I go running everyday, lift weights, and try and eat healthy because from what I’ve experienced nobody likes a fat fuck. Healthy body healthy mind I suppose. Effexor day 1 so good so far, noticed a slight increase in motivation and energy, could be a placebo effect I’m not sure but I definitely feel more content. The next few days are gonna suck balls thought ’cause no boooooooze :(. Glad I got benzos to help me get to sleep from this fucking stupid ass withdrawal.
Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really […]
I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I ever existed here. I know full well I will never amount to anything,.my family thinks I’m so smart, and I go along, no I’m not smart…if I was I wouldn’t be in this mess I’m in.
I really don’t deserve this life, I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t why I’m saying this, I just had a moment of thought. I have alot of time alone and it gives me too much time inside my own head.
There seems to be no way to break this, I see the future as hope…because I […]
Ever since I was little I’ve always wanted to be an artist. An artist who could draw anything or anyone if I set my mind to it. I would always fantasize what It’d be like to be one of those ‘famous artists’ who people look up to (no one has ever looked up to me for anything and when people have ill tell you it’s a real honor). But it’s been years now and my art skills are starting to lack more than it ever has before.
Every time I come across an amazing drawing I start to feel angry and sad.. wondering why my art […]
To put it bluntly I am 40 yrs old, apparently an attractive and intelligent guy, cultured and well traveled. Been on too many dates to count over the past 2 years but have lost interest in meaningless sex and meaningless relationships, the thought of continuing on this course for another 20 years just brings me to my knees in absolute pain and hopelessness. The people around me have their own problems and wouldn’t want to hear about my bullshit pain so obviously I can’t open up and tell anyone how bad it has gotten without burdening them or being called mentally ill. What I don’t […]
It’s funny actually. How life plays out slowly. And sometimes painfully. I guess I have no explainable reason I want to commit suicide. There are reasons. Believe me there. Very deep reasons. I have thought long and hard about this. And I have made up my mind. That I am taking my life. I am not writing this in sought for. Help one would say.. Buy more in the form of. The finale will redemption. I have no one to give anything to so it’s very bothering.
I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am very young. Very young indeed. I have a very active […]
There won’t be anyone home besides myself. Friends and loved ones have been pushed away. I’ve been trying to use this time to think about ways to get better. Ways to change but something inside puts a halt to those thoughts…
I don’t want to get better. Things just need to cease going on. Whether it’s the world or just my world. Because the colors been drained, there is no more energy to care. Taking something hot or sharp to soft skin is all I really put effort into. If not that then other ways to wind up hurt. Brusies and scrapes, nicks and cuts…never have […]
zero apologies
a french exit of parallel thought.
i write the moon for you
the sad silver part
you thought would never shine
for you
i write the waves for you, soft currents
i know your pain is so immense
the moments they rejected you
let the waves wash healing waters
over all of you
let the moon cast away the darkness
with its silver beauty
forked tongue not of death but licking you clean
let the honey wash and heal you
i know this road is bitter
trust me, my darling
and some day let every word you could never utter
be spoken
like beauty
pearled
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring […]
For the first time in a long time I’ve thought about killing myself. It’s strange, because I don’t feel the same despair I used to feel, the anguish and hopelessness that came with my suicidal… “Fits”. But the thought is there, pushing at the back of my mind, drilling its way to the centre of my attention. Just a few hours and freedom is ours. I can’t believe it’s happening again…
I mean i’ ve never done this before,”speak in public”. The only thing i ve ever said in public was a druken “just stitch me up and let me go home,i need some sleep”. Yes i attemped a suicide 2 years ago only to find out that i was far more messed up than i thought. I will spare you the details.
This is more of a desperate move, i actually don’t want to talk, but the whole idea,and site which i found looking for the right,or wrong, dose of sleeping pills,distacted me so… I have gone really far since then. I got into a […]
I really don’t know what I expected from them. They don’t care about me and it’s not the fact that they don’t but the fact that I ever thought they did. I care so much about them and I just want someone to talk too that doesn’t make me feel as if just being around them is a burden..but I don’t have anyone at this point and I dont think I have ever been this lonely..
Rest assured i cannot think
Close your eyes begin to sink
kiss the hand of fear so sweet
let this silence be my treat
hear the voices in your head
let them fill you up with dread
they can get inside your mind
tell me now what they would find
would there be a shining sea
would it turn black from all the grief
where does this train of thought lead
are you ashamed for me to see
let this silence be my treat
kiss the hand of fear […]
Well when I was little I had the best life I didn’t care what people thought, loved my life, loved my family, friends, oh man I had lots of friends. And I loved it I tried my best to be nice. Well on May 28th 2011 EVERYTHING changed for me and my dad. My mom past away and I miss her so much to this day. Shortly after that school got bad I started getting bullied I lost all my friends so I shut myself in my room 24/7 never talked and thought to myself what did I do? now I have bad anxiety/social problems. […]
I’ve been on this website for about a week now.
I’m in therapy. I have been for numerous different reasons since I was 11, now 33.
I’ve told my therapist about being suicidal, that I have plans, that there are constant images at night, and I have access to guns.
Everything I’ve said is ignored. I don’t talk to friends or family about any of this – because I’m the one that everyone depends on to help them with their issues (doesn’t help that all of them know my degree is in psychology).
I’ve started developing better assertiveness skills… but the suicide stuff won’t stop.
I’m seen as “being ok” […]
My younger self would probably find me registering to this site both trivial and selfish. Why am I selfish? Why do my peers and contemporaries deem it selfish to want to end all this? No, they’re selfish for wanting to keep the hollow vessel which has become my very being here and pretending that everything is copacetic. Well it’s not and hasn’t been for so long and for just as long I’ve been pretending everything is okay. I don’t have the will to kill myself but I desperately want out. Everyday is exactly the same. Sure we can try to throw spontaneity in place of […]
Hello,
So today was a pretty bad day for me. I got sent home from school because I couldn’t stop crying. Well, I told them the reason was because of a bad headache, but in reality I just couldn’t find the strength to get through the day. The thought of walking around and talking to people who I know don’t like me, the thought of simply being somewhere I don’t belong scared me. So I cried. I continued to do so until I got home where I finally slept. But my dreams were simply filled with horrific scenarios which I dare not repeat for thought of […]
I’ve thought about killing myself almost daily since I was 12 years old. I am now 25. My plan/methods became more refined as I got older until I reached a detailed, effective plan. I feel as though I am marching inexorably towards my suicide, even if there is still a very small part of me that doesn’t really want to die. Every time that little part gets drowned out by the suicidal thoughts, I seize the opportunity to purchase another piece of equipment or put another affair in order. Everything is almost ready.
How do I know when it’s time to go?
While I’m at it, in support […]
I’m not sure where I am within my own mind.
There are the empty days where everything washes over me, I don’t feel particularly happy or particularly sad just ‘there’. The okay days where I feel active n life. And then there are bad days where I find myself dwelling in things long ago past, where I end up on websites such as these or thinking about how I would go about doing it.
All hypothetical of course. I think about methods ‘hypothetical’. Telling myself that I’d never have the courage to do it.
But, recently I wrote my ‘hypothetical’ notes to the people I love. Does that […]