Its only halfway thru the day & I have already been in the work bathroom crying twice. !!! Not coping today at all. Will update after work. If I make that far. I hate mondays.
Tag:
today
So after suffering for over a decade of loneliness, I’ve decided today is the day I will kill myself. No one knows the pain I am in because nobody cares to know me. People only know fragments of who I am, and when I open up, it only scares them away. I am 32 years old I haven’t had a girlfriend since my early 20s and I am a fairly successful individual. I have a master’s degree and make $100,000 year. I don’t tell you this to brag, but to demonstrate that this disease affects everyone. I have served in the military for over 8 […]
Last night my husband and I fought again over something trivial since I can’t remember what it was. He had to go work with his parents today since I’m not providing anymore. He said I’m forcing him and I should feel bad for him. He’s doing landscaping and I know it’s a hard job and I do feel bed for him. But back to last night, I took my pups out and stayed downstairs for a while. When I came up he got pissed at me saying “you know I can’t sleep alone and I have an important day tomorrow but I guess I should […]
My mum found out about my relapse today, and has been demanding since this afternoon for me to tell her why I did it. No matter how many times I told her talking about it with her makes me uncomfortable and I literally can’t tell her, she’s still insistent I do.
So I’ve wrote it out in bullet points for her in the morning – and just for the heck of it I referred to myself in third person. It’s not really helpful, but it’s all she’s getting. I had to come home early from college today. I told my mum I probably would because I […]
My dad got the results back from the doctors today for the weird lump on his neck. We thought it was just a swollen gland but apparently its a cancerous tumor.
What is this.
How is this happening. Its not fair, he works so hard for the family its not fair.
why does this happen, why can’t things be ok for once
why are things getting worse? why does my family have to suffer?
“I fell in love with the smile she hid behind her hands, the one that flashed up and waved with brilliant colors when caught by surprise. It was the purest point of joy–the laugh that bubbled up and the creases at the corners of her eyes–her hair and hands rushing to her face to contain it all. But she was never fast enough, her happiness too much to be quelled so easily, and just enough would slip through to soothe the deep ache my yearning had burned into my heart.”
i thought about someone who isn’t here anymore. i felt i should write how she was and put it […]
From what was essentially a pretty good week, not including a slight double up of meds, things have really taken a downhill slide today. Woke up thinking about feeling very dark and very quickly progressed into fantasizing about the big leap. Had to catch a train to get dosed at my clinic and was picturing myself kissing the train. Now im home and its still there. Worse than ever. I know it has alot to do with been alone today but I dont want to be near anyone. That would just remind me of my difference to everyone around me. So im […]
Lately I have felt like a bit of a hypocrite, considering death for myself while still feeling anxiety about friends who are considering the exact same thing. I want them to stay, yet I want the “get out” option for myself. Not quite sure how to process that.
I find myself writing two opposite types of music lately:
(1) Batshit-crazy chaos, and
(2) Peaceful calmness.
Am I somehow capturing the aforementioned duplicity in musical form?
Since I’ve finished a few of my projects lately, I started a new piece today. After working out the first few measures, it looks like this is going to be another chaotic angsty […]
I think it was the first time this year. My social skill definitely have taken a toll because of it.
But i’m back alone in my dark small room now. ugh this is how my whole life is gonna be. i don’t want it. ill just die now thanks.
Today is strange. Everyone around me looks strange. And I definitely feel strange. Pretty sure I doubled one of my meds,That and the fact I had about two hours sleep. Big contributing factors.
Thats all I got. Pretty dark today.
there is nothing in me but the desire for people to be people, for people to see people as people, and to know that this was and is a world worth fighting for.
there is hope, my god, for all the times we’ve been stubborn enough to destroy it, we have maintained it in equal measure. there are people, real people, out there with home in their hearts and you in their future and believe me, dear, they’ll love you as I love you: fully and deeply and truly, a bond between the living, the existing, the real.
oh, little one, if only you could know how […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I woke up at 5:45 am from a bad dream and couldn’t fall back to sleep I was already exhausted from being up so early the day before and I went to sleep the night at 1:00 am . I ran a fair in Reno NV from 9:00 am till about 3:00 pm we closed up three hours earlier. the past two days I have been on a fair in the freezing temps yesterday snow today it was rain …the fair was packed with people and it was huge . I some how made 80$ today which beat my 35$ from yesterday .once I got […]
Had to ditch visiting my mum today cos I cant leave the house. Shes going thru a rough time but I still cant help her. Now im sitting hear hating myself, racked with guilt. The spiral begins. Been repeating this pattern for sooo long!!
It’s time for a rant!
Sometimes I just need to get things out of my system, otherwise they stay there like bologna someone has left on the counter for ten days. Nobody wants it there but everybody’s afraid to touch it now because it’s green and crawling.
So, here are today’s things that irritate the crap out of me.
Coupons I don’t find until the day after they’ve expired.
(“Nooooo… one day… late… Must save… twenty-five cents….”)
Loud rambunctious people in public, including kids who shout every sentence while their parents don’t take the time to teach them appropriate volume. Meanwhile the kids just shout louder.
Me: “Wouldn’t it […]
I just noticed something about myself. I twitch my fingers when I’m annoyed/angry. Am I the only one that has such a weird tick? Also, I know I would be an awesome serial killer with a weapon glove. Joking aside, I almost strangled my grandfather today but I managed to hold myself back since there are too many witnesses… My continued existence is also why I’m not religious.
Today was a good day, got to pick up that special lady in my life. My 11 year old daughter, what a complete and wonderful BLESSING she is, and she can always bring me outta my funks. Nothing beats the pure and innocent love of a child, and it truly humbles me to know that there is still a love like that in the world. She doesn’t look at me like the guy who works all the time, or the guy in the Motorcycle Club, or the guy that used to be married to her momma, NOPE !!!!!!!! I’m […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I posted a while ago about a test I was having done. I got the results today……..
I Have to go back in for surgery because they found some pre cancerous cells and need to be sure there is not cancer hiding behind the small sample they took.
Not much in my life can be a simple yes or no UGHHHHH