I told him I was hurting. I told him today had been hell, but he has his own problems. I try so hard to keep him going. Even when he’d rather just end it. I try so hard to keep him happy. Tonight? Tonight I needed him. I needed him so badly. He just let me drown. Now I’m in bed at 9:45 waiting for tomorrow to begin. I thought I was more important than this. I thought I was someone special. Then he just let me drown.
Tag:
tomorrow
I feel so tired. I have been suicidal ever since I can remember. However, in recent years I have been distracting myself from these thoughts by trying to convince myself that life is better than the alternative. I would always tell myself “I’m going to try living to the fullest today. I can always die tomorrow.” There are days when this works and there are days when it doesn’t. I feel tired because I have to continuously keep convincing myself that life is worth living. Its been almost two years since I started living this way and I’m still not fully convinced of it.
Look I want to die and i need help. I m tried the scripts and not worked. I have no means to do this and i need help from somewhere. I need to be dead by the morning am desporate. I really need ********. I really really am begging anybody with any idea to help me escape from this existence. There is no hope my dream is to not wake up tomorrow and no matter how many different pills i take i keep waking up. what can i do? this is my dream. this is no gesture this is no gesture this important that. I […]
This is getting really difficult now.
I had a meeting with the crisis team last Friday, the lady was so lovely I just wanted to say “you could be this amazing person to someone who isn’t visualising themself jumping off a building right now”.
She said she was concerned. That the only thing holding me back from killing myself is the impact of who finds me etc. I’ve read too many things of train drivers who are emotionally scarred by someone jumping in front of them etc.
But it is something I am thinking of less and less as the overwhelming feelings of nothingness take over me.
I feel […]
I always wonder why I’m here, why i was born? This limbo is actually quite fun, no feeling whatsoever, indifferent if i lived or died tomorrow.
You don’t know how much I’ve tried to talk to people about how I feel. My depression is getting worse, no one listens. I wonder what it would be like if I was dead, would I finally be at peace?When I was 14 I was told every thing would be better and I was lied to. I’m 17 and my life is hell. I just need someone to listen to me! School is hell! I feel so alone there.. I get these looks like I’m the ugliest person alive and I feel like shit. I’m cluttered with shit tons of work and I can never […]
I thought I hit rock bottom this weekend. I could barely get out of bed, and I didn’t do ANYTHING I had to do, no work, just staying in bed and watching movies I really didn’t care about. I tried to reach out for friends, but literally none of them wanted to go out, and it made me feel worse. Rejected. I was on the edge, thoughts about suicide invading my mind and I couldn’t control my crying.
I woke up today feeling completely different. I’m not that sad anymore, just numb, as if everything I’ve been feeling for the past three days is something really distant. […]
wishful thinking gets us nowhere.
there’s nothing spectacular about tomorrow. Â just another really fucking heavy piece of shit i’m pulling with me everywhere i go. Â everyone has fucking flaps on their eyes, where do they get them, i wish i had them but then i guess i wont be able to see the little moments that make this worth while. is this worth it, i duno. WE’RE IN THE FUCKING MATRIX.
one thing i must admit, not sure if it makes me feel good or subtly not good, the fact that i’m not forced to wear long sleeves. because of these people with the eye flaps. still […]
its inevitable but ill keep pushing it off for one more day. one more day because i want a reason to stay; one more day because i want a better reason to go?
mostly I am gone already I just have to make sure everyone else will be okay. it just keeps replaying over and over in my head how people will react and im mad at myself for doing that to them. i just wish there was a way i could make everyone understand and they would let me go. just stop trying to fix me because im not broken im just wrong. if only […]
This Loathsome test of life, that nothing is in my hand
except the power to take away my own life
My heart does not desire what i want to do
and i stop myself from doing things that i want to do
My mind is not mine to think, what i want to think
God, why are you testing me with pain
O Sadist, Do you want to give me pain
even bigger than the pain of this life
Or are you waiting that i get so disappointed with life
that i take my life by my own hands
So that you can get a […]
I’ve been through it all.. it started when I started high school to when I lost my first boyfriend. I tried overdosing on Pain Killers nothing happened… nothing ever happens. I try to hang myself.. over 10 times and it always end up to me taking it off my neck and being weak about it. Because in all reality who really wants to die right? We just want the pain to end. But it doesn’t last. But Lately I’ve been letting this whole suicide thing get to me. I’m literally thinking about doing it tomorrow and succeeding. I don’t know what else to do. This […]
Why can’t people just be nice? I just don’t get it. I really don’t. How dare you put someone down to make yourself better! Do you know what you have done to that person? No, you don’t. You have broken their confidence, their self-esteem, made them question who they are…It makes me livid. I just wish I could be there for all the kids out there who get bullied or yelled at by their parents or guardians and protect them. I wish I could do something to help them. And you know what, opening up the door for someone or sending them a quick smile […]
I’m done, I just want to leave and put this agonizing existence behind me. Yet everyone has to keep telling me that it’s my “duty” that “I have to” to stay alive for everyone else. Bullshit no one gives a shit and I know that. If I disappeared tomorrow, the only person who would miss me is my mom and I’m sure she would get over it. I don’t matter in anyones life, everyone else has a better friend then me and just keep me around cause they are just sympathizing for the reject. After all, doesn’t everyone say that they need to get rid […]
it’s my birthday and I’m as sad as ever. I’m hiding from everyone, ignoring calls and texts. I don’t think my family even knows I’m home right now. 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. Being anything but sad an empty is a foreign feeling for me. I just want to hang myself tomorrow. I doubt I’ll go through with it but I want to. All I want to do is cry. but I’ve cried too much, and I can’t in front of my family. I don’t want to talk about it with them. there’s nothing they can do and they just […]
i know that i said that i would wait but i found the key to the trigger lock taped to the inside of the box so tonight is the night I’m going to go get some burger king and a pack of cigs a few beers and finish the job goodbye everyone. ill let y’all know if i puss out at 10:00 tomorrow morning but don’t count on it.
What a horrible day. I feel like a complete fuck up. I’ve decided not to eat today just to punish myself. Maybe I will do better tomorrow. Probably not though. I forsee things getting worse.
Im a little nervous bout tomorrow night. I dont have anything planned but it always seems in my luck for things to start turning topsy turvy whenever i let the roll of the dice take the wheel. Ive been spending the week with a really close friend of mine i known since highschool. Hes been under a lot of stress with his mom going through chemo even had an infection scare and i drove her an hour back towards LA to the nearest hospital.
Shes doing much better btw and weve been having a good time in each other’s company but it feels bittersweet knowing […]
I know I’m usually a rambler so I’ll keep this brief. After ages of debating, of hoping, of begging, I’ve decided to give up. I don’t feel like there’s anything good about me, I feel as if I’ll never be loved or supported and I’ll never achieve anything that I want. I’ve spent the past 19 years trying to feel happy. Thanks for being kind to me in my brief time here. I intend to shoot myself tomorrow morning, when everyone in my family is gone. I’ll make sure no one, but a cop or medical personnel finds me, so won’t worry about that.
I’m so tired of being alive. But it’s like I don’t even belong in death. Like I could never deserve such a privilege. I’m stuck, in between life and death and no matter how exhausted I am, I just seem to go on like a curse inside of me. I just want to lay down, crash and never wake up. But every single morning, my eyes open and my conscious never stops murmuring words here and there. So many years have passed now but it’s all so confusing to me, cause my memories are all a blurry haze and I keep forgetting to dislike the […]
I’ll sit now and I’ll wait till I’m needed tomorrow; tomorrow I’ll be needed just have to sit here, and wait.
Sitting waiting.
::::::”I’m pathetic!”:::
I cant sit anymore!