I’ve been through a lot in the few short years that I have been alive. 26. I’m a father. Prior service. U.S. Army. Bowling champion. Weapons expert. I’ve personally battled childhood obesity. At the age of 17 I weighed over 375. Within the year and a half I lost 175lbs. Enlisted and cultivated my life. Held friends in my arms as they passed away. Saved my family as our house burnt to the ground. Since 2007 I have attempted suicide 5 times. I took over 300 sleeping pills. Loaded shotgun to my chest. CO inhalation. Alcohol poisoning. And short suspension hanging. The pills made me […]
I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.
I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able […]
I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He […]
Im officially dead inside. Walked to the bridge and wanted to jump. I walked to the train tracks and thought the same thing. Im suicidal again and that makes it harder to fuckn deal with being depressed i cant wait to kill myself. To be free of all this pain. Now i have to cut so i can chill out enough to sleep.. I hope i never wake up
in so tired and depressed, last night I told my husband I hate my kids. I do love them but I’m so depressed and not coping with the sleep deprivation from the babies. All last night I cried and cried all I was thinking about is walking to the train tracks and ending it!
I have a black cloud hanging over me and I feel guilty as I have 4 beautiful kids who need me. My heart is breaking and my head is all over the place
Life has fucked me over again, but this time it’s payback time.
First thing tomorrow, I’m getting hold of some booze and dope, heading to the train tracks and jumping in front of the first hi-speed train that comes my way. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard on the guy running the train and people who will notice, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. Call me selfish, because maybe I am… All I know is I WILL do it, whatever it takes and no matter who I hurt in the process…
I got no one to say goodbye to without getting locked away in some psych ward, […]
this is a video of the trains that come though my home town. Notice the very low bumper on this coal train? It would be very easy to fling me off instead of decapitating me like I wanted to happen. Plus these trains don’t travel very fast, like a bullet fired from a shotgun would. I watched a number of these videos. Coal trains like this one have that bumper to sweep shit off the tracks, like a person. http://youtu.be/EEZ0JkOcO1Q
I actually cried tonight, thinking about what happened over these past three days. Did a lot of psychoanalysis on myself. As you all know, Thursday night I started drinking cooers light. It’s the only alcohol my aunt will allow me to have. The problem is, I sober up to fast. The bigger problem is that I feel like a monster when I’m sober but when I’m drunk all my worries go away and I can be myself (in a way). I get scared of sobering up because I know that once I do, my problems will come back.
That night, I said screw it and decided […]
We all have so much to deal with. I wish everyone in this life the best of outcomes. The wheel keeps spinning regardless of whether or not it’s too fast to keep pace with. Don’t fall off the tracks my bros and sisters. Just keep running, falling, and getting back up to do it some more. Peace and love be with you all.
Hello guys. My name is Costy, I’m 19 and I am from Romania. I won against depression and this is my last post. I went to some train tracks to make fun of them.. such irony 😀 I love you all and I hope you will find peace no matter what you do. Goodbye :*
The guy I love has his life and a ton of friends. I can see how we’re not as close already. I have no one and he doesn’t understand. He honestly thinks he’s been rejected more than I have but I call bullshit because I’m rejected from every damn thing for my looks even for a place to stay! I’ve been told I don’t look human and shouldn’t be allowed outside. I literally am homeless because I’m too ugly for anyone to accept my money as payment for rent. I’m laying on the floor at work for fuck’s sake and it’s the first time I’ve […]
I glanced up at my alarm clock, the time was 1:13 am. It was time to go. I put my shoes on and got my jacket. I creeped slowly down the stairs and took an apple from the kitchen and put it into my pocket. Downstairs I pulled out the nail that holds the windows in place and crawled outside. It was a nice night, quite calm and the moon was bright but obscured by clouds. I walked up the side of the house that I lived in and started pissing behind a tree. I looked up the road a bit and admired how the […]
Bad luck never leaves.
Your jinx just floats around
Like the taste inside your mouth,
or the sound when your skull cracks.
Feel the growing pains.
It means you’re growing up too fast.
Telling white lies to black cats.
Stretch me out across the tracks.
While you were sleeping I was blood red,
sharp as a knife inside your stomach.
I’m squeezing tight; don’t let the light in.
No medicine.
Daydream tendencies had you smiling soft and sweet.
Keep those blurry memories somewhere safe-
you may need them.
You can make a wish,
but there’s no rabbit out the hat.
Realize it’s never coming back.
While you were […]
Peaking through the pipeline, the red retina of a sweet, white death. It tunnels redemption and purification, drilling down through the walls and the ceilings of a deep-seated madness. It’s an exhilarating construction of love.
The sun never sets in the land of betrayal. I expended my life in the liberarion of people’s stains. I avoid the common and the norm, and recklessly crush my knees over new untamed paths, only to find myself chased, still, by memories of spiked colored eyes; stabbing my chest.
I was visited […]
A few days ago, very depressed, I went for a walk in search of a bridge. I’m in a new city and do not know where anything is. I traveled down a deadend road and wouldn’t you know it, I find train tracks. Not only that, I see a train coming. This was it. Here was my chance. To finally end it all after nearly twelve years of suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I waited on the train tracks as the train neared. But as I waited, all I could think about was the fact that I have terrible luck and […]
I was going to take the jump, in front of the train. Looking dead at the tracks. I was so ready for this all to end. Some guy was there though. He grabbed my arm and yelled at me. Called the police. Stupid guy, if only he could see that I’m already dead. I just thought I’d break this vessel called my body so I can free my spirit. But that stupid ass man ruined it. Stayed in a psych ward after I was treated for hypothermia. My parents are suddenly keeping a wary eye on me now. Babysitting . The minute they decide to […]
I can feel it inside of me. Bubbling up, and boiling over.
Like a runaway train barreling down the tracks.
God help the girl tied up at the end of the line.
I’ve done my best to alter my own course.
I listened.
I engaged.
I followed every order they gave me.
I have the day planned out to a tee. I just don’t know when that day will be. It’s soon, that much I know.
I have to earn their trust back, enough to gain leniency.
Then I have to use guilt to cut the remaining threads.
Once that’s done, I’ll be free.
I’m not proud of what I’ve done, nor am I proud of […]
I’ve had a lot of medical and mental history. My CFS/fibromyalgia is bad at this moment. I’ve tried to take my life in the past, but didn’t know you were supposed to go down the road and not cross the tracks. Plus I have a genetic blood disorder that causes my to clot quickly. I didn’t know that at the time. I saw my mother try to kill herself several times as a child. I don’t want to leave that legacy to my hubby and children or whoever may find me. But, I’m tired of being a burden. I’ve learned my Daughter in Law says […]
I woke up this morning not long ago and decided to head to SP to see today’s posts. I noticed I had a fair amount of responses to my post last night. As I was reading them, a couple of users were talking about a topic that made me stop dead in my tracks and literally say ‘wow’. I feel everyone should take a look at this and give me there thoughts, because I really wish I had the answers.
” I’ve noticed one thing…a whole lot of awareness. Too much, I think. And intelligence. And thoughtfulness. A lot of very smart, sad, interesting, hyper-aware people. […]
All your empty smiles
All your broken dreams
All your willful desires
Are floating down the stream
You say I can make it
You say that I’m strong
But all these scars only prove
That you are very wrong
Because I know what is true
I’m bound to die a lonely girl
Always feeling blue
I just keep on walking
One step then another
Hoping I am going
In the right direction
But all the signs say opposite
Where am I
I wonder
I’m stuck in the awful place
That is called my home
Where all my demons try to suck my soul
So please don’t try to tell me
That I’ll be alright
Because I know what is true
I’m bound to die a lonely girl
Always feeling blue
There […]
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