The realization that there are so many options that I can never have, no desires in the world, alive because I am not dead. All false hope I cast away to find the truth, I destroyed all normal development, social skills, parties, life. I am getting closer, closer to responsibility that I will never upheld. I am truly broken, unable to feel joy, the beautiful sunrise seen through faded eyes. Unable to be fixed, I accept death before symptom management.
Tag:
Truth
I push people away when I’m afraid, because I don’t think they could ever handle my feelings, I’m still trying.
Have you ever had one of those days, when you just hate everything? And even dropping your pen makes you want to break down and cry?
I always feel as if I treat people right, I strive to make sure the people I love are alright, even the ones that hate me. But have you ever had someone that continues to tell you that they dont deserve you? or they just keep rejecting your love? but they still stick around. It confuses me, do you […]
I am not the only one. There are others, multiple hordes, some of whom are people I know, people I even see regularly. Though I am slowly emerging into admitting my illness, they must do so too. Until this happens we are all alone here and we are dead.
There are no similes and there are no metaphors; everything can only be explained and delineated in exact terms. There are continual pressures applied from other people, wherever I turn. I try to escape, yet someone inevitably & invariably lurks around the next mental vista. There is truly nowhere to go when the thoughts inside your head […]
Hi My name is Nikki… I am 15 years old and I have been cutting for a very long time.. I know what it is like to hurt and feel nothing but pain and misery. I have lost so many people to death and You know it is not fun.. I am not that skinny pretty girl at all. I lost a guy I was in love with to a person who felt the need to shoot and kill him. I felt the pain of loosing my best friend to a person who hit him with a car. I felt the pain to my grandmother […]
I’m sooo tired of it all!! Don’t know what to do anymore! Can’t even stand to look in the mirror, I don’t know how much more I can take. Â I cry all the time now, can’t even get through one day without crying. My husband always asks if i’m okay, but the truth is, he really doesn’t wan’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know why he even bothers asking. I wanna believe he loves me, but I don’t know how. I feel as though everyone would be happier and better off if I were gone. Â I really believe they would all jump […]
What is the whole point of living anyways? When you get to the point where all you feel is numbness and pain, why should you go forth in life? When every waking moment of your life you unintentionally hurt the people who are supposed to love you, why not end their pain? It would be selfish of me if I continued to live. My death it seems is inevitable, the people who are closest to me all know that at some point I will end my life. So why not end the pain now? I’m tired of pretending to live, when in truth, I already […]
honestly.
i cannot live this way, with my mind battering me into constant disintigration.
i am living for the peace of mind of my loved ones. they’d be destroyed if i killed myself. or so they say. i think that they’d be shocked (by the unexpectedness of exactly when it’ll happen) and saddened, then grieve, then pick up and continue on with their lives. with what they consider to be life.
my life cannot continue like this. i am finished. i am exhausted.
depression kills. put your family and friends on notice: this disease must be *taken seriously*. we can never ‘pull ourselves up’, ‘snap out of it’… if […]
Every day is the same. I wake up , ready to fall back to sleep. Back to the darkness of my mind thatswallows me whole, place of peace in a world of hate. No motivation left… Sleep through every class, can’t focus , cant process… Feeling stupid; can’t think. It’s only getting harder, everythings getting worse. Things get to me more everyday. I’m close to my breaking point. Sometimes I wonder what the easiest was is to go.. Would popping a pill bottle worth of tylenol do anything? I feel like im going to go no where in life as it is…
If anything could explain […]
What a watchful eye. Not a moment is there just for myself.
Those who I confide in my outer most opinion know nothing of my inner pain or what I really think. Those who I have believe I can share this with are no longer the high points of my life. I’m too personal, well I would if anyone took the interest. No one wants the opinion of a 16 year old with all the gadgets and a loving girlfriend. He has the life, what’s to complain about. IM ALONE! I’m fucking alone damnit! What do you care? You don’t! Bu still I will listen […]
I’m 16 and currently go to high school. My mother tends to nag on me and yell at me a lot since I enjoy spending my free time playing games. She does not enjoy the way I spend my time and calls me the word “addicted” when I do play. She has a boyfriend that I don’t like…because he moves my possessions without notifying me. And when I questioned him about it today he clearly told me he will respect it only for my mothers sake…I mean why can’t he just apologize to me and say he’s sorry? Now for the issue at school…. I […]
My head keeps on
I wonder if it could ever be turned off
“I must be dreaming”, I tell myself
So many times, and I’ve found out the truth
Nothing more… nothing else
Is it just me? Is it my fault?
Do I live in a different world?
No? And so why I feel that way?
Give me answers please
‘Cause I have no escape
I have no one in fact
Not even my cat wants me to scratch him in the back
And you still wonder why…
Did you notice those cuts in my arms?
Or that I am by myself most of the […]
One year and 40 days ago I started a diet.
That diet quickly took over my entire life, exposing mental disorders that had been hidden before.
One eating disorder showed so much more… generalized anxiety disorder, a mild form of ptsd, cyclothymic disorder (mild form of bipolar).
My family had been perfect, but when it fell apart i didn’t know how to express the pain. I pushed it down for over 4 years.
All of that pain suddenly came out in the form of starving, throwing up, and cutting.
Slowly, I lost myself.
I had to pretend I was okay, I had to be perfect.
I lied to everyone.
I fought help at […]
I’m useless in this “real world”….I’m such a fucking impractical, too imaginative person.. thus, I don’t belong here in this mundane, dull, boring real world..!
by niki
written by niki
I’m useless in this “real world”….I’m such a fucking impractical, too imaginative person…
thus, I don’t belong here in this mundane, dull, boring real world..!
I often feel like I belong to another planet, universe, or perhaps another ‘spiritual’ plane, dimension,..something like that.
my super-vivid imagination’s world / universe is often a HUNDRED times much more lively, interesting, exciting, thrilling, and challenging than this apparently “Law and Order, all about money/profits and status” shallow, mundane, meaningless real world !
it’s my curse.
fuck my life..
get the hell me out of this fucking Matrix , please , somebody!
there should be an OPTION to get the fuck […]
i live by a quote. i know it seems stupid but as soon as i found it i knew that it would be important to me.
“no man is free if he fears death. but the minute you conquer the fear of death, at that moment you are free.”
i love that quote. i love the challenge of it. and when i thought i was living in hell and i couldn’t wait to die i thought i won. i thought that i had found the meaning of life and that i was ready to die. i thought i was free. but the truth is, i wasn’t. i […]
Earlier i was sat looking at some old photos and i got quite emotional, thoughts started racing through my head so ill write them..
Its funny, people always try to work people out, but how can you work someone out when they dont know themselves, they are lost, alone somewhere.
You take photos to remeber happy times, but it makes me sad you can never get those old happy times back they are gone forever and like the photo just a distant memory.
The people in the photos have gone, i wont see them again until i too are slso ‘gone’
I am sat here alone,counting the […]
it will always be the person you least expect,nomatter how many times you dye your hair, or change your appearence,your still you and your nothing special, not like everyone els,life is overrated,so whats so special about making the best outa having nothing, having noone,being used consinly, every time you stick your face out the front door, you fail to make it any futher,everytime you stick your face out the front door, someone says there your freind, but they aint,they either use you, or call you once and find you worthless enough to never answer or call you again,the only person that has ever made me […]
C is for Cruel
H is for Hate you now
E is for Every girl I know
A is for Always “sorry”
T is for Tell the truth
E is for End of us
R is for Reason I tried to kill myself
I am uncertian now. Everytime I go past thinking about it and actually set up what I need to do it I cannot bring myself to do it because of the constant thoughts of “It could still get better” Also imagining myself happy living however I choose and I hate these thoughts that I see no truth in. I wanted to hang myself and I set the noose up and stood there wearing it but there was no way to make myself jump. My only attempt was when I as 14 I took 200 tylenol and 100 asprin without even researching. I assumed I […]
“How Nice To Feel Nothing, and Still Get Full Credit For Being Alive.”
by MilesToGo
written by MilesToGo
That’s a quote from one of my all time favourite novels, Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut. I have plans to get the book’s mantra, ‘so it goes’, tattooed somewhere on my body.
Which, is kind of at odds with posting on a suicide website, isn’t it?
I don’t actually know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m depressed – I’ve never gone to a doctor or a counseller. I think about suicide on a near-daily basis; not in some abstract way, but with regards to methodologies, and having a suicide note on my laptop which I regularly update to correspond with the messages I want […]
I know a lot of people get all emotionally steamed when people say that suicide is ‘the cowards way out’. It is a horrible thing to say about someone especially  when people who have never attempted suicide could not possibly know the hurt a person can go through for no reason whatsoever other than because we exist. But I think the truth is that it is the cowards way out. I wouldn’t be considering it at all if it didn’t seem so much easier than living and truth be told life is just so much more fucking scary than the worst horror film you can […]