i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. […]
Tag:
trying
Sorry everyone. Miles from home. Resources are scarce. My options limited. Chosen method effective but requires commitment and determination. Going to vibe to my favorite tunes. Trying to prepare. A few loose ends I wish I could tie but there’s no time.
Sorry I can’t finish Super Suicide Squad. Sorry.
There’s a lot I want to say to a specific few of you. I’m afraid I’ll back out tonight. So I’m not going to. Just know I think a few of you are just swell.
Sorry.
At this point I feel like I’m just seeing how many days I can survive until I finally decide to kill myself.
I’ve tried so many things over the years..meds, in-patient, therapy, groups, coping skills. I’m not better and now I’m still in horrible withdrawal from medications, too. I’m still in post-acute withdrawal after 9 months off all meds and I’m still a shitty person. I’m trying so hard to change, but you cannot take back the past. I hate myself and I hate life.
Why does somebody else (your parents) get to decide that you exist, but then it’s your responsibility to function and do well […]
Just because, I smile, doesn’t mean I don’t know pain
Just because, I laugh, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting inside
Just because, I don’t cry every moment of the day , doesn’t mean I don’t want to
Just because, I can seem strong, doesn’t mean every little thing can’t break me
Just because, I seem happy and okay, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I say ” I’m fine “, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I look like I’m independent, doesn’t mean I don’t need love
Just because, I am not saying this […]
I saw your post and went to comment on it and to tell you thank you for that. And that I was going to listen to it along with Hazy’s music choice while I lay around on the sand.
I’m trying to get my latest pic up but it’s not wanting to upload….of course that could be my fault, it’s hard to see under such harsh sunlight. I’ll keep trying.
Do you have abnormally bad luck? Do bad things always seem to happen to you? Do you feel cursed?
I do. I feel as if the universe is trying to screw me over, bc no matter what I do, no matter what I don’t do, no matter what choices I make, bad shit happens to me, and I can’t fucking escape it. I thought I could. But after so many decades, I’ve lost hope that “things will get better.”
I’m seen from a window high in the sky, when i dive into this scene that i live through frame by frame, each isolated, but in each i can see feel and hear any and everything, i can hear fingers plucking guitar strings, how the grease from them stick to the strings and pluck them off-tempo as fingers release pressure. I get lost in a pink haze of stage smoke while i’m hypnotized by voices and sounds. To look then into the past and remember that constantly I get the reflex of eating with my elbow up, It hit me whilst i ate something in the […]
I’ve been trying to find myself for a long time that I completely lost me. I don’t even know what’s my purpose here. I don’t even know if i’m worth living every single shitty day. I’ve been so tired of life, I have given up to my own self. I guess life wasn’t really meant for me. And now i feel so sorry for everyone who would like to trade my life with theirs bc not everyone were safe from death. I am really trying my best to live, even if my mind stops thinking, even if my heart almost stops beating, even if…i had […]
My stepfather raped me when i was 9 and kept doing it until i was 11. he said if i ever told anyone any of this he’d kill me, my mother and brothers. Mom was never home, she was always working and didn’t even care about us. Why did i give a crap what happened to her or even my brothers? i don’t know. Mom has never loved me, shes told me before I’m the worst mistake she could ever make and i believe i am. When she found out what was going on she blamed it on me and said i was “trying to […]
I was on the brink of turning to self harm once again for the second time this week (I’ve been trying extremely hard not to only because warmer seasons are coming up and its annoying when I get weird looks from people -.-) and i noticed how many fucking razor blades i have………..35…..idk…..i have a ton…..o-o…is this bad?? I know i need help but i just don’t want to get any let alone make my parents even more angry at me because they have to pay for therapy for their worthless little daughter.
Really just feel stuck against a wall. I’m joined to someone who wants to fix me. Sure my emotions can be intense. Ups and downs, but I’m OK with that. I have my vices and quirks. I’m OK with those too. They continually force me into shoes that don’t fit, then go off when I express discomfort. They bleed all the joy from the little things in life, they work diligently to prevent the bigger ones. Then mock my misery.
They sit me down for “serious time” to get to a deeper level of understanding. History has proven that just refills their arsenal to use against […]
So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.
I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.
Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry (it’s necessary to […]
That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy. But it seems further out of my reach with every day I exist. I suppose everyone wants to be happy really…
It just seems like everything is so far out of my reach. This book I’ve been reading, prescribed by a friend that said it would help me, hasn’t been helping me at all to accept societies heinous actions.
My dreams get worse and worse by the day… it just seems like life is trying to break me again. Like its trying its hardest to drive me mad.
I’m so sick of trying to live. I will never be okay. People keep asking what am I going to do with my life, why don’t you motivate yourself, why not do what makes you happy- Nothing makes me happy I just want to throw my body off a bridge. I find it so weird how most people just expect you to want to be alive, I don’t understand how anyone wants to live through all this garbage.
I don’t want to keep trying, I don’t want to be motivated, I don’t want to get to the “good” part where I have a wife and […]
It won’t leave my head. Maybe writing it on here will give me a bit of a rest.
Before my neighbours eventually managed to finally kill my brother, they had been trying for a few year.
In 2013, after yet another harassment from them when I was coming back from school, my mother told my brother about it. Of course, it pissed him off. He decided to confront them and ask them exactly what they wanted from me.
I was not home that day. When I got back, things were upside down, and there was so much blood. My parents were not at home. They had taken my […]
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and […]
Its been awhile probably because I’ve been happy and getting good help. But now some bad decisions on my part has triggered my depression bad. I’m trying not to think suicidal but i am going to cut so I won’t. I was 2 months clean. I hate my life.
It’s so hard on me. It really is. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like everything is a lie.
The guy I mentioned on my last post has been the cause of my problems. It’s all because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Monday night I was feeling so down about my mom and him and just everything (Tuesday was my mom’s death anniversary) and so I texted him. I said “My mom died 7 years ago. You would understand right?”
His reply?
His exact words were “Ugh I’m sorry I’m not trying to be mean but can you please stop texting me”.
The only […]
The past couple of days have been really good for me.
I’ve been hanging out with some childhood friends again and surrounding myself with great people.
I’ve been trying not to put myself down as much, and if i catch myself doing so then i try to focus on something else like music.
I’ve been training for my new job. I’m excited. It’s going to be better than what i thought.
I’m just trying to look on the bright side of life. I spend too much time being pessimistic. And life is wasted if the only thing you do is feeling pessimistic.
I know i’ll have bad days […]