Sometimes it’s better sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes you can get up sometimes you can’t even gain strength to eat. No matter everyday I put on a smile and feel that she is serene like i have never known. I am very sick physically. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend. How much longer I can hide this from her. I over came MY depression and suicidal thoughts I fought off those demons and most the time I never once thought I would make it through. Years of self hatred and abuse have not done me any good. I am venting and trying to […]
She lived with me for a year and we were each others everything and then she started doing whatever the fuck she wanted and didnt respect me so i broke up with her and she packed up and left. That year was so broken and fucked up but i loved her with everything in my body everything but i couldnt take the feeling of her slipping away (I could tell we were loosing our love) But even though i broke up with her I still love her so much and i wish i never did it but its too late shes trying so hard not […]
I’m trying to endure, hope against hope, but the obvious is staring me in the face… nothingness, nothing really to look forward to, I’m alone. One night stands are easy and empty – I can’t cope any longer, time is drawing nigh.
I just don’t even care anymore. The passion to pursue my old dreams are gone. I’m just defeated by this feeling of emptiness. Like I have no self worth or purpose to serve. By no means, do I have it the worst. I have a loving, supporting, fully functional family.I have nice tangible things and have never been sexually abused. None of this matters, though, and each day I wish that I wouldn’t have all of these things and that my fifteen years on this earth would end. I guess I’m frustrated at myself,I wish that there was more to this life of mine. There’s […]
Why do I bother. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…….then I need to stop trying and give up hope. I continually reach out and make efforts to improve my circumstances with the same fruitless results. I am so sick trying to find my place in this world and always getting shot down. If I don’t try and nothing happens who cares, it’s not like I risked anything. I need to accept my fate, my role here or lack thereof and just ride it out gracefully until there is a better way out.
I am not a suicidal person, but this does make me sad. I have known this girl for 2 years, and throughout those 2 years I have slowly and slowly fell in love with her. If I were to rate how much I love her on a scale of 1-10 as of today, it would be an eight. Here is the problem though. She pains me and hurts me so much, but she doesn’t mean to. She doesn’t even know show does. She knows how I feel, and she always seems flirtatious, but then some other time she makes it seem like she’s doing it […]
When I first found out that it was love, real love, I couldn’t wait to tell her. I knew that she would be so damn proud of me, cause she always wanted the best for her little boy. And yes, she saw the struggle I went through in my younger years. She knew that I didn’t want to live my life and that it was simply a cruel joke. She saw all this, my mother. But I stayed strong for her and kept a promise.
When I proclaimed that the time had come..and that I didn’t need to be alone anymore..I told her that I […]
im at this point where I just want to end it all.
the only bad thing is, i’m trying so hold to hang on.
most people say, well if you had time to write this, then you aren’t going to do this.
I want to so bad but I don’t want to.
I want to die so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore
so I don’t have to feel sad anymore
but I can’t wait for the day I leave for my grandparents house.
that’s the only reason i’m holding on.
I just wany yhis pain to end.
I don’t WANT to die, but that’s the only way I know how […]
So more psychological BS by someone who’s intentionally trying to screw around with my life….. I’m kind of over it and it’s pathetic that no one can state what’s going on….. kind of a pathetic world we live in, but I shouldn’t be intentionally forced out of an industry of or towns or of anywhere…… but that’s seems to be what’s happening because some people are really really screwed up….God help them…. and in the meantime I’ll hold enough faith that things work out for my personal situation spending and hour and half on a bridge is never a good thing – but it’s my […]
I’m trying to cut ties from those who are trying to get close to me. I already have many relatives to mourn for me, but I’d rather not bring outsiders heartache when I free myself. It sounds selfish and heartless, but the pain I feel in my heart gets heavier each passing day. It makes more sense to isolate this pain in one specific group rather than have it explode out of proportion, even though that may happen anyway.
I live alone in my mind with my demons and I’m doing a pretty good job keeping them entertained. They shouldn’t know about these inhabitants, they will […]
Growing up i believed that if i didn’t have enough i could work harder
if i wasn’t smart enough i could work harder
if i wasn’t pretty enough …work harder
if i wasn’t talented, i just had to work harder
When i was younger i believed that if i work hard enough my effort would pay off, that makes sense. But this world isn’t about making sense, instead of being awarded for my effort i had to confront reality.
Working hard is tiring and all those who have intelligence, looks, and talent who never had to work as hard don’t know how it feels to try so […]
I want to die right now. I had some sort of a plan, but now I’m extremely close to just trying the first method that comes to mind instead, and forgetting everything about what I originally planned. I don’t know how to cope with everything anymore, so I’m close to trying to leave this world without taking care of the things I need to first. No matter where I am or what I do, these thoughts are with me more or less constantly, and I don’t know what to do in order to be able to hang on anymore. Needless to say, I shouldn’t do […]
I can’t pay my bills because my new boss decided we didn’t need an in-house I.T. person. Forget that I’ve been at this organization for over ten years, have almost 30 years in the business and am only paid about 60% of the market rate for my role. Forget that I have been a one-person I.T., E.H. and S., Telecommunications and Facilities department plus doing all the document control and a million other things. This narcissistic pig was Board Chair before they became an “interim” Executive Director when my former boss quit (or was forced out, nobody’s talking about it) and although I’ve been well […]
Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes […]
I just wish she could have seen a better side to me.. I wish she could have seen me at my best cuz I don’t think we ever got there. I was always struggling..with money, with addiction, with my own mental confusions.. Always trying to get over some hump that seemed to stem from my troubles. I was always complaining it seemed.. I expected too much. I couldn’t be that cool headed guy I wanted to be.. That she deserved the most.
I just feel like there was something I could have done to keep her around. But I didn’t do it..
The parts of […]
”Why are you measuring me? Thank you sir, but I don’t need a new suit.” – He’s the undertaker…
– I ran into your ex today…. with my car.
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I WANT TO DIE. Right fucking now. It never gets any better I swear. My soul is bleeding from exhaustion. I am so tired, so bored of trying. I can’t take it. I want to close my eyes and never wake up. I’m just waiting for the right day to do it. I can’t take another winter. Fuck this […]
I keep slipping further and further down, this life is a bottomless pit. I’ve sold almost everything I’ve owned, my house (freely rented since I became homeless) is a state, I look like shit, I can’t sleep, communicate or learn, and I’m too depressed to do anything about to care for those things. I’ve been racking my a brains trying to find some way of making money, looking into things I shouldn’t but I’m too stupid to even make money illegally. It’s all patched up or too complicated. I’m clinging on for dear life but I’m already dead. I can’t accept it, I’ve always had […]
Well. Let’s face the facts babe.
you’re dead . cold.
softly floating in your blood. your eyes popped out of your skull like they were trying to reach out and strangle me.
and i finanlly undrerstood what had happened. i was not shaken.
i completely regognized the act of brutal savagery that was before my own eyes.
it did not strike fear into my heart.
only regret.the sting of regret that you didnt die slower.
that broke my heart. if i had one.
Yeah..it’s hard..
Physically I’m not doing well at all, even though I’m trying my best. I don’t know if I’ve ever had to try this hard before.
I’m grabbing the box of tissues for this one.
In the days since my wife left me, I’ve been on a steady decline with my weight and dehydration and seriously, I’m trying my hardest to keep it up. I’m a total mess so I can’t cook or clean for myself right now, but I need to eat. So I have to go out…
I went to breakfast this morning, by myself. Going with anyone right now is completely […]
How long until it gets better? I have struggled with bipolar depression for the last 2 years, severely. I wake up and I think about dying, I go to sleep and I think about dying. I just moved so I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist yet but I have had both and went to them both every single time. Therapy once a week and the psychiatrist as needed. It’s not like I have done nothing to fix me… I even admitted my OWN self into the hospital to get better. I’m still sooooo severely depressed. No matter what I do it has not seem […]