To kill time I binge-watched all 8 seasons of House on netflix. That show basically looks life, death, pain, sickness, grief, mental illness, addiction, lost love, anything else you can think of straight in the face and just puts it out there and really makes you think about how you would deal with that kind of stuff. Wilson was my absolute favorite. His and House’s friendship is the kind that’s excruciatingly hard to find and towards the end of the series House pretty much implied that he is nothing without Wilson. In one of the last episodes he goes on this epic tirade where he […]
There are two basic aspects to life, that I can see; the general concepts, and the intricacies that make them up. Â “Fruerer parvas;” enjoy the small things. Â A Latin phrase that shouldn’t be casually dismissed. Â Enjoying the little things has a lot of truth, as in that the little things are often the things that bring us the most pleasure.
I think about my future, I think about my past. Â I think about the world, life and death. Â These things are interesting, but they do not make me smile. Â What makes me smile are the small appreciations I carry for certain things; seeing a humming bird […]
After years of depression, suicidal thoughts and a failed attempt I think it’s finally time.
First attempt was drug OD. I remember doing tons of research and planning. Dressing up and feeling happy on that day. I’ve never felt more happy than that for a long long time. I was found and therefore still alive.
It was never a rash decision. Every night I go to sleep hoping I’ll never wake up again. Every morning is just another disappointment. Then I had to make a choice or staying alive or ending my life. And I regret my choice of staying alive every single day.
I can’t even explain […]
Every thump of each fireworks sounds like a million bullets in my head because I know she’s somewhere looking up smiling with him giving him the same look she gave me once. I want these lights to stop so I can finally fall asleep. I wish there was something I can take that didn’t make me selfish. I’m so alone so alone in this wretched mind. It’s normal now the pain.it feels normal now. The constant anxiety the constant panic it all seems so..welcoming. I’m dead to her today. I’m dead to everyone. I’m waiting to see how long until my courage builds up enough […]
I was feeling pretty suicidal lately,and i cant call or talk to anyone in real life, so i tried emailing the samaritans. Ends with me having an emotional breakdown and shutting them away.
So i decided to try crisis chat instead. *clicks first webpage that popped up* -this service is available in US territories only- No.
*clicks second webpage* -this service requires steady broadband connection- No.
*clicks third webpage*-our operators are currently offline-Urgh.
*clicks fourth webpage*-this service is available in US territories only- ARGHHHHH
*clicks like a hundredth webpage* hey its online! -connects-
me: hi
Operator:hi, whats your problem?
Me: im depressed for no reason at all, and i want to die
Operator:have you […]
No, I’m not okay
If you think I am,
Then I beat you at the game –
Because you know I’m not..
So which one of us is better at pretending?
A while back I posted some shit that wasn’t very thought about by me. I didn’t die, wished I did, and pussied out. Fuck… I just cried like the little ***** i am. I looked at myself in a mirror today and didn’t recognize myself. Even if they are ugly, people look in the mirror and think what they are looks good. People like you and me look into the mirror, and don’t see anything. We see someone we don’t know looking back at us. My depression got worse and worse, and the original depression became anger and hate. I have been told to go […]
As the late George Carlin stated “If you want to commit suicide, I back you up!”
It’s your choice and your choice alone as well as this thing called free will!!! Good luck people
Life is not easy for a lot of us, deal with it as you see fit, a bunch of anonymous strangers are not going to help you!
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?
You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.
It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.
What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever
known has ended up screwing you over?
I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.
That person would be my father.
But then again, when push comes to shove,
he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.
He says that it’s the way it has to be.
If mental illness really is a genetic thing,
then I got it from my mother
and I […]
Thought I’d take the effort to upload it to youtube, this song is just stunningly beautiful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwzTEq9CUGQ
Lyrics:
Call me crazy but maybe this seems a little movie like
This whole saying goodbye
This whole frozen in time thing
“Well it’s better to have loved..” I keep telling myself
Well anything is better than this
There comes a time when you realise
That it’s better to let go of a dove than watch it become the vulture
We pray that this won’t eat us up
To every chapter written be thankful it was a part of the book at all
There’s a lot of blood in the ink
There’s […]
I want to share with you a story about my father. I want to share it because my depression is deeply affected by my family relations. The pain and hurts created a Pretend Girl who has been so very sad, so very alone and so very confused. Geee, a build up like that, who could turn away? 😉 I also want to share it because I think we are here in this crazy world to help one another. I want to share my story/stories and if you see part that can help you, I’d be so glad. I am going to write, to publish, to […]
You know I always try to move on with my life I swear but the two guys i’ve ever had a relationship with turned out to be wrong for me. The first guy I eventually gave up and let go like I should have way before then. The moment I did that is when he came back into my life. Wanting me back trying to be there and being somewhat of a decent human being for once. I stupidly allowed him back into my life and that lasted for five months until I began to realize it was a mistake for both of us. I […]
I think that the thing with this site is we all stand together. Personally I rarely see a post where someone doesn’t reply. All of us go through shit, and yet we always reply. And that I believe helps us. Responding to someone else helps us help oursleves. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else…
I have not always been the best person. My family seems to resent my very existence, my many false starts which ended in failure, the shame and despair that consume much of my life. But, there’s always been some hope that has allowed me to crawl onward, a bent and broken person held together by force of will.
Recently, I met someone like me. Similar story. Someone who was resented, not loved. Someone who could love the human-shaped monster that was me. She has been my saviour. But she too battles despair and pain. I hope… together, we have enough hope between us to always go […]
I’m that typical 3 sport athlete girl who you expect to be fine, always look fine, always feel fine, but I’m not. I’m not at all..
Tonight was Cross Country practice and as doing Cross for four years now I know what to expect, or so I thought. Growing up running I use to finish and never quit, never want to give up, or stop but tonight was different. The distance I should have easily ran and should have been able to complete I couldn’t. The thoughts in my mind I usually can control and continue to motivate myself, I couldn’t. Usually the statement “Your mind […]
…that’s what my sister would have wanted.
If she was alive today.. she’d be the strongest and smartest in my family. She is truly the missing link in our world, and what it’s become.
There for i remain strong.
Nothing will stop me from being happy and at peace with this life.
I do this for you, Angel. I know mom still misses you very much.
I know you are watching over me..over all of us.
And I will never give up
All around me the world is going insane, people getting bolder and indane.
Violence throughout with no discrimination, all people lost in oblivious conversation.
Society falls apart before our very eyes, and we fail to see through the silent lies.
Told through the pages of history, that have now become a lost majesty.
Bring us our daily bread, and then choke on the toxic lead.
That you feed us through a broken spoon, but then lead us to a lost tune.
I know this poem makes no sense, but neither does this world so tense.
Our world has reach peak insanity, yet there’s still yet another calamity.
There’s always enough room, for yet […]
Everyone needs a hero in their life.. and sometimes the world just doesn’t hold enough of them. When times get rough and darkness takes over..there doesn’t seem to be anyone left to take the next step and face the relentless evil that continues to war against the humanity we try so very hard to protect.
That’s when the best of us all must surface..to lay their life on the line for the rest.
If you could shed this mortal coil and become more in this life.. who would you be? What hero would surface to do battle against the darkness?
DeadLeaf is the hero I’ve created to […]
I haven’t lost him but he’s no loner mine, and that kills me. Out of all the people I have loved, envied and lost, he has made me cry more than any of them. The past week or so had been rough, quiet, vague. Then out of the blue he talks, blames me for what I’ve done, what can I say, he’s right. He doesn’t feel the same, of course he doesn’t. He gets over things so quickly. He still cares, but not the same way. He left because I was a shitty person and I hate myself for that. He won’t dare say it but […]
broken down
all i hear is your voice
no one to care
nobody there
broken down
noise trauma, battered brain
no one to hear, i am rage filled/insane
can’t take anymore
of this cruel ass life
pain, trauma, false guilt, strife
voices viciously attack me day and night
god’s love? surely you jest?
sick ************ putting us to a tormenting test
tired, insane
soon blow out my brain
nice knowing you
glad you could destroy
your own
daughter