Sweetness.
Been raining and gloomy all day, hell yeah…
Made a deal to get a new to me (used) guitar, fucking-A.
Going to a guitar shop tomorrow to fuck off, bullshit music with strangers, hot damn.
See, when life teabags you, just keep sucking till something sweet comes along.
Sometimes I just stare at my wrists when I get like this and wonder what it would be like to plunge a knife through my artery and veins. When the pain eats away at me and crying doesn’t even help. Crying used to help. I felt ashamed the other night when I just cried myself to sleep and woke up and realized that I didn’t take my dog out, that I left my kitchen a mess, that I slept in my clothes. I never do that. I have never cried myself to sleep either.
I think the last time I self harmed was last Saturday or Monday I didn’t use a razor this time i used my knife haven’t used it in months it’s a different feeling then using a razor with the knife I’m calm relaxed hands steady but with a razor I’m nervous and hand Shanks but it’s really weird they both give of different pain and feelings of release what other way can u deal with emotional pain ? But in a way I like it I feel I deserve it
It’s a tragedy, really,
How I spent so much time
On you.
You used to make me feel invincible,
Like the world was mine.
But now I’m alone,
With you running through my mind.
It hurts to know that you’ve moved on
While I’m stuck here
Surrounded by my destruction.
The thought of you still keeps me awake.
You’re gone but you’re everywhere;
And you’re not coming back.
It’s time to move on.
I have given up.
To feel the weight in my hand, the cold of its steel against my lips, playing with the trigger, but never quite enough to pull.
It’s laying here in bed with me, I’ve been laying in bed most all day, I lay in bed most all days, till eventually get up, maybe buy a burrito or go for a run.
I think about her, and how her brother used the gun, how her father used the gun, how my father used the gun.
Too many guns.
I think of all the other hers, the ones that almost were, the most recent hers, but still it […]
Well I’m going to go a different road today and say that I have a pretty positive outlook on life at the moment.
Today was a actually a pretty good day and I’m thankful for it cause they’re rare anymore.
Had a good aa meeting, had a meeting downtown for community service hours and I didn’t buy any drugs even tho I kinda had a plan to mabey look for something to take the edge off. Even took the money out, just didn’t ask anyone so that felt pretty good too.
Getting out of the house too was actually good I didn’t want to leave my room today […]
They say mental trauma is an invisible wound. I would have to disagree , I can see it in the mirror everyday and I’m sure that those that used to know me before can see
it in my social life.
You guys keep posting neat music stuff you’ve done….
It’s made me want to compose something too.
I ordered some composition software for the laptop so I can write stuff during the days/nights when I’m stuck in bed and can hardly move. It will be good therapy for me, because it will remind me that even though my body is falling apart, my mind still (sort of) works.
I ordered the same software I’ve used previously for composing symphony stuff, but for some reason I’m in the mood to write a piano solo now.
Possibly piano plus cello.
Stay tuned.
(Ha! See what I did there? Music? Tuned?)
I feel like shit.
One of things I absolutely hate is the fact that we no longer live a normal life anymore.
My father is jobless, and my mother works freelance at the company where my dad used to work at. For months now, he’s been jobless and he’s been living with us in the apartment I’ve been using for college. Currently, he applied to some company abroad, whereas he’s been waiting for his papers’ approval. We’ve tried telling him to work at the company he worked at before but he absolutely hates it there, so no question about him wanting to go back otherwise it’d lead […]
Lately I’ve been feeling so used that I feel useless, like an object instead of a human being.
I feel like I’ve lost all feelings all together from how people have treated me.
All the disrespect, and just seeing how they don’t give a damn or care about how it affects me.
They don’t care because they don’t know that I have feelings.
They mess with me, hurt me in many ways. But do they even notice or care? No. Why?
Because they think I’m just a god damn voodoo doll.
Need I say more? It seems like this is the day for rubbing one’s relationship in everyone’s face and acting like you could be happy for them while they do.
Honestly though, it used to depress me more but now it just pisses me off. At least I don’t have to watch stupid fucking commercials about it all season since I don’t have a TV.
Tonight is the night. I told myself I’d wait a month… if I still desired closure by then, I’ll know I waited things out till I couldn’t anymore. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of getting lost in my suicidal thoughts and wishing one day they’d come true.
I’m finally letting go. I’ll finally be at peace. I’ll finally get to sleep through the night.
It’s quite empowering having what is needed floating around in my backpack, just waiting for the day it’s finally used.
I’ll give it till tonight to confirm my decision. I don’t know why I felt like posting here. […]
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Morning: I was sad and scared of taking the exams. I was feeling pressured too. And little. So I ran away.
Traffic. The driver made us go. I got some money back and walked. While walking I thought of it as a punishment for running away. But rode another ride halfway. I’m a half ass lol.
I stopped at a convenience store to get a drink. And walked home.
I took out the stuffs I bought yesterday. One of them is the cards from cardcaptor sakura. It is said it can be used for divination too. So, I arranged it. Somehow, I got motivated to do something. Like […]
I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I feel like nothing . I am nothing. I don’t do anything anymore . Today I skipped my job interview because I was tired and I was scared . I never used to be like this ? I’m terrified of being judged . So I didn’t go .
I have another tomorow so I’ll try to go … But I’ve been having social anxiety for months now . People used to say I was a social butterfly.
I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately . There is nothing in my life that makes me remotely happy. Absolutely nothing . Probably eating. But suicide is the […]
A couple of months ago, my friend gave me a leftover patch of fentanyl for free. He did warn me about how easy it was to overdose, and told me to only take a small square (about 2cm by 2cm) due to the strength. I could say I was unprepared, but I looked it up on erowid and knew somewhat what I was getting into. I knew it was strong and instead of scaring me to it, it drew me closer. I was extremely depressed at the time, and instead of waiting for when I was in the right headspace, I took it to escape.
In […]
Every time I try to do things right something comes up. I take 2 steps forward and 4 backwards like literally. My love life is horrible I got played and used so many times it’s not even funny. My hospital bills and student loans are ridiculous and I didn’t even get to finish school. All I ever wanted is to be happy I’m 25 and I haven’t yet to be happy.
Not that it was off anyway.
I’m so tired of taking all this shit from these people who call themselves my neighbours. I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
These sons-of-a-bitches think they can just mess with my little sister any way they want. My sister was in tears after being harassed by my so-called filthy shitty, motherfucking neighbours. Not the killers. The killers are long gone. But their fucked up relatives who are still around. The bitches who hid the killers from the cops.
I’ve never been so fucking pissed in my life. I wanted to fucking beat up a *****. They gave me a chance to […]
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