Soon it’ll be our anniversary. Thirteen years of the 29 I’ve spent on this earth…When we first told each other we loved each other you said to me you couldn’t promise a future because you weren’t even sure you’d stay in town. I told you I understood. While you may have meant physical location; I meant a physical end. I’ve struggled since I was twelve with this indescribable sadness in my soul. I’ve tried to think about the future, our plans and dreams lately but I keep hitting a wall. November is inside me. It’s gnawing at me like a slow leaking faucet. I feel […]
Tag:
wall
i dont know what to do anymore, i say that alot because i dont. i want to give up but for some reason i cant. i cant move forward because there are so many things in the way, its like walking threw a brick wall. im stuck, and no matter what i do i cant be help because no one wants to. im alone. i think im in hell. is there an age where its inappropriate to cry, because when i do i eather piss people off or they start making fun of me. is that a bad thing now or is it just the […]
And that night, I turned my face towards the wall and cried. For the first time in my life I hated Shone. Hated him for blinding me, for tricking me into foolishly believing that life is a beautiful field of roses… that love is a wondrous bond. Hated myself for the choices I’ve made. Hated for being born. Hated my body for functioning normally. Hated everyone around me. Hatred surged through my veins, hot and angry, pulsing with every breath I take.
I want to die. I have to die. I will not stand another day, another night. I will not enter the hellhole in […]
Ever had memories so intense that you just wanna bang your head against the fn wall until they go away?
by wndozh8er
written by wndozh8er
i remember in school, I had a couple times when girls pretended to like me and than made fun of me with there friends the next day. I remember this one was wanting to meet me at the park. Ha never happened.
The reason I brought this up is because that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but over the fn Internet. I just wanna get all these memories out of my head. One tragedy always leads to existential breakdowns with me. Alcohol, pills, there only temporary. Death is forever.
I hate roller coasters…..the rides and the emotional ones. I want this fucking shit to just stop. […]
I have self harmed in so many different ways throughout the years. I began by banging my head repeatedly on a wall when I was maybe in 3rd grade. That lasted until 7th grade when I figured out that if I scratch my forearms until they’re raw and hold my finger over the still raw wound it would make me feel something other than the constant anxiety. I continued to scratch until 11th grade when I conjured up my courage and actually cut myself. It became an addiction and now my thighs are no longer clean. In 11th grade I also began seriously attempting suicide. […]
Ah, the beginning of the school year. Makes you want to tear up a little, doesn’t it? I mean, anxiety attacks are no stranger to me, so tearing up comes naturally. But hearing that first bell in the hallowed halls of Woodford High School made me cringe in my Vera Bradley backpack. Don’t get me wrong, getting to see the little freshman cower in fear was SSOO much fun, but seeing all the couples and relationships makes me want to smack my head on a wall. It’s fine though. The first day isn’t always as horrible as people make it out to be. I mean, […]
Should I take the razor again? Should I bang my head against the wall again? Should I think of suicide again?
Why is life unfair to me? On and on I kept asking. Could it be due to my ignorance, my defiance? But it is still an open question for me, with more questionable answers. I have survived this long by embedding into my mindset that life is unfair and I must accept it. But I am asking again now… Why? Why is there nothing to do to but accept? Why must someone born to be so broken? Why must someone’s path be so crooked? […]
I woke up focused on purging the pain. Spent all day in the hills trying to find peace. Came back to my little cottage that reeks of death. Cried and punched the wall till my wrist got sprained. Bottle of liquor and a handful of toxic killers. Just looking at them and crying. Their punget smell just painted a horrific spectre of death. I just couldn’t do it. Whoever said suicide is the easy way out deserves to go to hell. I just feel so alone and torn apart from the inside. I don’t know what else to do.
I just want to hide behind a brick wall because I’m ugly and useless and pathetic. I am incapable of it all. I try to forget the pains those people never knew but old faded scars are literally hurting me. And I just want to hide. Maybe that way I won’t have to look at my dead end future.
I have been self harming for as far back as i could remember. I think it started when i was about 10ish. I would bank my head against the wall to stop what ever was going on in my head at the time. I would love to see the bruises develop on areas I hurt. I was always known as the accident prone child. I remember one time i must have been about 12. I threw myself off my bike and scraped myself down a brick wall. I would try and keep under the radar by not making the injuries obvious. I progressed to cutting […]
Its been odd, havent posted in a while since ive been caught up in feelings and thoughts. But now ive hit a wall again and its not even for the usual causes. Normally i would fluctuate between feelings of extreme highs and lows, though lately ive been cruising in the neutral zone.
Ive dropped a lot of expectations and hopes, its made me look at things or losses as unavoidable but necessary. Where it used to cause me grief now i have a sense of understanding why things happened that way. Why people reacted to me and my condition. With that i no longer dwell […]
I just shouted at a homeless who started talking to me.. to stfu and then 10minutes later my ex who is the reason I am this ready… with whom i was supposed to spend the night with… who i was picking up from work and was waiting for infront of her office for 15minutes then walks out and tells me she is sorry but her girlfriend just called her… i walked away not saying anything finding the first wall and started smashing into it… it hurts quite badly… búúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúút i love this feeling… it numbs everything.
I have just joined the site , but I have been keeping a timeline for years now at my face book wall. I am a real American Horror Story , and a victim of a serious cover up of human rights abuses. Page is RobertSteinerJr.1@face book. Way to much to import here …
When they fought, I chose not to fight.
When they cried, I thought there is respite.
Amidst the squibbles and squabbles of life,
My kindly nature kept me rife.
But then came doubt I did my self.
I did my nature, I did my health.
I doubted everything I felt,
And on I went to change my self.
I tried to turn the course of the stream.
Not knowing I was only killing a dream,
Of little joys and a profound realm,
On I went on a broken whelm,
For other dreams were going to be at helm.
I had walked too far still mind […]
Whenever I get depressed or really upset, I get the shakes, and involuntarily rock back and forth, the itches start, and I suddenly need to fidget. These don’t always happen together. Different emotions trigger different things. When I cry, sometimes my brain feels like it completely shuts down and I don’t even think I’m breathing anymore, though that’s impossible. All I know is there is a wall in front of me, and I finally know what it’s like to not feel. I want to cry for days sometimes, but I apologize when I do cry, even if no one is around to witness it. I […]
The sound of rain hitting the glass and pavement
Using my authority as Student Council President to scare off other students
Touching the wall after swimming 200 Fly and realising I won
Swimming the medley relay with our team – The Ultimate Team – and getting 5th in the country
Having my parents yell at me when I forget to wear slippers in the house
Dancing in the graveyard
Perfectly executing an aerial cartwheel at the ShaoLin Wushu Festival
Shaking hands with the conductor as the First Chair Flute
Doing a ‘Csardas’ duet with my boyfriend on violin and me on flute
Playing out all my frustration and sorrow on the piano and flute
Telling […]
I could really use some help. Lately I’ve been unable to sleep normally and I can’t stop freaking out over the littlest things in my life. I have to go outside and do something constantly or I get really anxious and want to scream. I can’t sleep at night because it feels like I have enough adrenaline in my body to kill a bull. I also feel lonely constantly because my two best friend (who are dating one another) are either busy, together, or in another state like my female best friend will be for a bit. So I’m going to be alone for the […]
Suicidal thoughts again, cluster headaches, crying, urges to cut myself :‘( I’m feeling numb I dunno what to think or do I keep pushing people away my head is fucked up :‘( I’m fucked up I hate myself so much I’m a fucking fat worthless piece of nothing… I guess my bestfriends lied because they left me… when they said they wouldn’t I just want to hit my head off the wall and pull my hair out I have been sick I dunno what to fucking do it’s slowly killing me and no one I know stays enough to help me .. they get scared […]
I wish I could hide out. Hibernate like a bear. Or fall down a hole and no one finds me. Like I wanna run away to Mexico where nobody knows me or my past. Then I could be whoever I wanted. Or if I could disappear. Or be a fly on the wall. [because they have short life spans] I just don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna hurt anymore.
There are so many things that I have trouble discussing. I find the most indirect and vague way imaginable to get my point across so I don’t have to say it. I guess this is just another one of those things. Its funny how a moment can change..
His fingers find my face
A soft and gentle touch
My heart begins to race
His presence is too much
I melt into his palm
He slowly pulls me in
I try to keep calm
But a transformation begins
His hands turn to ice
His nails pierce my skin
Darkness fills his eyes
And takes him from within
My […]