Today sucks, I completely freaked out today and I was very angry. Angry on myself, on the world, on my sister, on my parents, on the stupid weather, on everything. But mostly on myself. Directly after or actually during my angerexplosion I went to my room, jumped into my bed and started to hit myself. On my wrists, my chest and my shin. After that I still were angry, so I decided I needed more pain. Grabbed my knife and started cutting. After a while I had stopped and my mother walked into my room. She asked some things and I had to cry… After […]
Tag:
Weather
the pain we all feel is terrible and unfair..
but we all need to know that someone in there..
and even if were all far apart..
we can all feel each other in our hearts
the deepest darkest black we have all felt inside
sometimes the world is a place we despise
but we need to all love and have compassion for each other
cause we have all been through some pain one way or another
we all let it out weather we get high or cut to feel in control
but the power to stop the power to feel good we all behold
the […]
He was beautiful in every single way, the way he looked at me with his big brown eyes, and how I knew everything he was going to say before he said it. Everything was nonsense it was like life was no longer real and I was living a fairy tale. It wasn’t until I met him that I knew, your life changes in every way when you meet the right person. He was the right person because when I was with him nothing else in this world mattered, the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I couldn’t help but to fall […]
I haven’t fully accepted my depression, sometimes I’m like “maybe I’m just upset about this or this” or “I just need to do more”, but I think the reason can’t accept it is because to me depression feels like being left behind while everyone else is moving on as silly as that may sound. I feel like more awful than usual, I’m not sure if it has to do with the weather getting colder or the unexpected days off from school but I’ve spent most of my days sleeping curled up in a blanket ,awake with insomnia at night ,and eating a lot of junk […]
im not quite sure whats wrong with me anymore. i fall apart so easily on little things. i do not fear death at all but when someone makes a shrewd comment to me about my scars i completely shut down. why?
the other day when hurricane sandy came through, i was with my uncle and a couple of his friends at an atv park. well it was really windy and and the weather was bad. i had gone inside the camper and just 5 seconds of me going inside a tree fell on the camper literally missing me by inches. i almost had my life […]
Tonight is another one of those nights that I just really want to end my pain. It doesn’t help that it is gross outside… like gray and cold and shit. I am always affected by the weather… probably have that SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder thing.
I tried pulling myself out, by attempting to pretend that i am taking care of myself. I even bought groceries today, and I am chronic meal skipper. I got a haircut too, and I still feel the same. It is like I am trying to force myself to feel better, convince myself I am not a screw-up. Even though I know […]
So i faced my worse fear.. But the so called “vacation” i suppose to have fun on didn’t go as i planned… When i got to Ontario the first 2 days was relaxing and sorta fun. I hadn’t relaxed in a long time it was nice but after that my depression took a spiraling turn for the worst… I got extremely depressed i couldn’t even find the strength to play with my 2 year old baby brother Jayson whom was plastered to my side the whole time i was there… When we got home a week later i started to loosen up and relax.. But […]
A genuine request anyone especially in the UK that I can talk to? It would be nice to talk to someone who has been there who understands, what is real? Good or bad I am really struggling to understand. Time to finish or struggle on and why? The negs I get at home even the weather is my fault! Nothing but nothing that I do will ever be good enough so why bother?
I made a fool of myself last night again. Well, maybe not. Anyway, my best friend was in town and the past 4 or 5 times hes been here I haven’t been able to hang out with him. I was always pretty upset about it, anyway. I finally seen him and went to a little party with him and got reaaaaaally drunk. Tequila. Fucked me right up. And I thought I could handle it this time. Iv’e been truly happy lately. But not last night. I went outside to have a smoke and found a spot where I was alone and my friend followed. I […]
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up feeling okay, but then suddenly the sadness hit and I descended into the darkness again, thinking dangerous thoughts yet feeling dangerously numb and empty. I ended up lying in my bed for hours, too exhausted to move and too empty to cry, but too sad to sleep. Eventually, I got myself out of bed and tried to shake the sadness. I ended up in my kitchen, heating up a pizza. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites- it wasn’t exactly that I wasn’t hungry and I’m not dieting, it was just that I found the act […]
I don’t like the person I am anymore. I’m okay on some levels, but in close relationships I become a cold *****. I don’t know how to fix it, therapy hasn’t helped much with the issue. I’m stressed in general, but I guess I just get unhappy.
My boyfriend and I just broke up for the millionth time, what a huge surprise. I’d like to say that this was more his fault than mine but it’s probably pretty even. I’m a really difficult person to be in a relationship with. I’m not sure what to do about it. Truth be told, I feel weary all of […]
“Unopened Love Letter” (submitted)
Dear Mangled Heart,Â
I don’t even recognize you anymore.Â
Where have you been?Â
What have you been through?Â
We used to be so in tune.Â
“With my brains and your brawn…” Ya know? Now it’s like we’re strangers in the same room.Â
You’ve grown old. Cold. Distant.Â
You used to be warm and inviting. I was the cynical one. You’d let anyone in from the weather – if only for a while – and when I’d be concerned about the security risks, you’d just smile at me and say
“They need me.”
Heh. I never understood.Â
But I trusted you. I knew you. And we were […]
Does such a thing exist?
I heave a sigh, looking out of the panes of my window. It’s raining today. It doesn’t usually rain here in Southern California but I like the change of pace. It reminds me of the song “I’m only happy when it rains….”
Each drop tears down my cheek. Why do I bother. Why do I create this sense of hope? Why does it tag me along so painfully. I’m just going to be thrown in the mud again.
I hate the word why. I say it too frequently. I never get an answer.
I see her. In my mind, its sunny, ooh and its […]
I love the spring !
the season of rebirth: the sunny days are back, the weather is ideal (not too hot), the almost balance between day and night
my 2nd favorite season is the fall .. basically, I’m not a fan of extremes when it comes to weather
I might have to postpone my death to late may – early june
I’m not too sure what to do anymore. Nights are the worst for this constant depression, days aren’t too bad because if i’m at work I don’t have time to think about them. I have to wear long sleeves at work though, weather it be hot or cold out just because  my scars and cuts make me a little insecure. But that’s not bad. Just lately, it’s been getting worse. I do NOT want to kill myself. I mean, I think it would just make all the pain go away but i want to see what live has to show me. I’ve been thinking lately […]
Its been a while since ive written here, I’m writing this on a notepad on the bus but I assume a lot has changed, I’d like to meet some of the new guys here.
But, anyway.. Reason for posting, it’s not really so much about me, there’s just a shitload of stress happening to people around me. My best friend is having the shittiest year at school right now and I feel really bad for her, which is nothing I’d be doing a year ago, but ive gotten different too. I guess life has been gotten more boring and I’ve woken up and started caring about […]
OK, so I’ve been depressed and stuff. My other post was “Wishing, Waiting, Dieing………” . Anyway, if you’ve already read that. Then you’ll understand this one alot more (probably). So, I’ve been really confused these past few weeks (besides depressed, suicidal, ect). First, I’m a lesbian and I have a girlfriend. But I’m not sure if I wanna be in a relationship right now. Because, as you know, I’m suicidal and I’m afraid that I may do something stupid (if you know what I mean) and hurt her. And I don’t want to hurt her. Although I know she will be hurt if I let […]
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