My name is Brittnee and I am 20 years old! I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and sentenced to a life of medication and therapist analyzing my every thought and move! I have been a cutter for 6 years and after my recent suicide attempt my parents made me move back home and my mother does a ~fresh cut check~ every single night. That’s where I have to go into her room and strip down to my bra and panties and she checks my body for new cuts! It’s humiliating. If I do have new cuts I am taken to the behavioral health […]
Tag:
Zombie
So, I’m sitting here waiting (it seems I do an awful lot of waiting these days) for a ride so that I can hopefully get to my so -called “parenting class”. Have you ever been to one of these classes? They’re a total waste of time, and just another way for the state to keep your kids longer. I mean, really, who the hell needs someone to tell them how to take out the trash every day or remind them that babies can’t be brats? Are we really not evolved enough yet to understand that children are generally unable to be mean until the age […]
Once when wanting to die I got ememensely drunk. Left what I couldn’t drink of my pay check on the bar and walked till I found a woods and found a wood pile and buried myself at the bottom. I didn’t want to die in a sudden gory way that was definitive. The worst on the people that knew me is that they would occassionally wonder where in the world I might be. The best is some wild life would have a good feast.
It would have made things easier now if I hadn’t woken up with the solitary need to get warm. I have been catapulted […]
Since I was young my parents wanted me on medicine along with therapy. Since I didn’t have a choice I took them. as prescribed until I came down with the worse side affects. Zoloft the robotic smiles, Prozac this motor tics, Amitriptiline the chest rock and zombie mind.
My father. I’ve prayed he should die since whatever this is has taken over him. He’s teasing is worse and he thinks it’s ok. My mom is super submissive so she tags along. I still don’t trust her. He tease about me not moving fast enough yesterday in 100 degree heat and 79% humidty as I made pigs […]
Couldnt control my crying once more..
This time, it got worse, I was trying to run away from hurting myself, so i took some sleeping pills, and slept the day away..
Woke up to another dose of pain and yelling, then took some more.. and slept away..
I slept and slept till i lost the count of days.. It got so bad that I actually tripled the dosage.. I wanted to escape life..
Unfortunately I woke up…
Though I’m living today as a zombie.. I still don’t want to live..
The burden of being selfish to take out my life is hindering me…
But not for long..
I just wonder how can you […]
My life has fallen to pieces. The details aren’t important. It’s all the same stuff that you read on this forum. That’s not even the reason I’m upset. My emotions are out of control. I can be fine one day, then spend the next day crying into my pillow. I’ve had it. I cut myself. I beat my face in with a mallet. I can’t stop fantasising about jumping off the roof of my house. And yes, I do have a suicide plan. I feel that God has abandoned me, and I don’t know where to turn. The only ray of hope right now […]
People say if you kill yourself you will miss out on alot. Me all I have ever done is missed out on things. I missed out at socializing in a party cause I was to god damn scared, I missed out having a girlfriend all because I can’t read the signs, and I am missing out on seeing the life’s of 4/6 of my nieces and nephews whom I love dearly. All I am is just a zombie. Trying to make ends meat in this cruel world while struggling to know my difference with society and just waiting for someone or something to end it. I am […]
My GP has just prescribed Zopiclone for insomnia also Beta Blockers for panic attacks.Along with Mirtazapine, citalapram Carbamazapine and Tramadol, which I have been taking for years. Should I just stop taking the whole fucking lot….I feel like a wretched Zombie most of the time. My short term memory is shot to hell. I am so tired all the time I could weep. My appetite is zero. Life is pretty much fucking unbearable. Does anyone else cope without all this medication? Is it better? I am very confused.
a struggle with growing apathy .. to have little concern for too many things .. to live life in autopilot mode, doing things because you’re used or expected to and rarely because you desire to .. your soul is disconnected from this 3D reality, you have a wandering mind and your body is what keeps you trapped in a world you don’t want to be a part of
I’ve been living this way for 4+ years and I’m truly fed up with being half a zombie half a robot .. I’ve done a lot of introspection to find out I’m only interested in two things: total […]
My depression has returned.Â
I’m cracked, very close to my breaking point. Maybe I should break already. I just need an extra push.Â
I finally got over Nycolle a few weeks ago and as I basked in the sunshine, Jasmine, my cousin, broke up with me. It would have been our 1 month anniversary….Â
I love her so much, at first, it was so unreal, and I felt so numb, now I’ve begun to become more irritable now. My brother who knew about us, he doesn’t understand I’m pissy and pisses me off a lot.Â
I try not to get angry, but it just phases me too easily. When […]
Wrong!
They all think im ok now, im getting better.. Im getting through this with positivity.. Thinking happy thoughts. Yup, thats me.. Changing back into the old Zoe.. Newsflash.. Its a lie, and your all believing it, in fact im the exact opposite of what I tell you.. Im actually getting worse! Im back to cutting every night again.. And the thoughts of me ending my life dont gO away.. I think of my funeral, who would go and who wouldnt.. The song that y family would choose.. How many would be surprised, and how many would feel sorry for anything they said or thought […]
She wakes up everyday and look at the clock as it was a curse, one more day to fake a smile and walk trough life emotionless.
She remembers the voices on her ears when she was little, she feels someone is there to hug her but that someone is unknown and that scares her so hard she wants to cry… but she can’t, her feelings are hide on the deepest of herself so she can’t show what is feeling.
She goes to sleep with the hope of no waking anymore, but when she opens her eyes in the morning and realize that she stills […]
I found a dead bird in my front yard the other day.
Normally, I wouldn’t be so caught up on this one animal because to be honest I really don’t like birds (long story) but this particular bird was different.
It started with my cousin’s apparent death that is encroaching more and more rapidly with each day.
My cousin, Zachariah, has been my paralyazed from the neck down since he was seventeen in a motocross accident. At first he was still the same cousin I loved, still able to move around in his electric wheel chair which he would always give me rides on whenever I wanted. He […]
I was with the love of my life for 6 years. We loved eachother so much, were wedding planning and never had arguments, just healthy discussions.Â
For the last year of that I became very sick. I am motion sick 24/7 for over a year. I was suicidal. My boyfriend was as strong as he could be, caring for me, but couldn’t take the suicidal thing. He cheated on me 3 times with the same girl. He said he hated it, had no interest in her and struggled to get it up everytime, it was just an escape. He stopped and started seeing a therapist. […]
I don’t even know why I’m here right now, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hear nothing but the same everyday, tedious, asinine commentary that hums along relentlessly. I have no one to talk to about anything remotely real or of any interest to me. I don’t care about anything; I just want this to be over. All I’m capable of feeling is misery, zombie-like boredom and some fake short-lived ecstacy . I just have no appreciation for life; absolutely nothing makes me feel genuinely happy. I’ve lived my life in those brief moments, however fleeting, and once I come down I only feel worse […]
I always seem to float in-between. Not one thing or another. And I’ve been dead for so long now that I’ve forgotten how to be alive. I’m a zombie. So I was wondering, could someone please tell me how to live? (This is not a sarcastic/metaphoric question.)
Hoping and planning
A jubilant day
Swimming in my fantasies
Senses dulled by illusion
Almost real
Talking and laughing
Near to you
Blood aching under my skin
So aware of you
Almost close enough
Cutting and scraping
My emotions away
Dyeing the world with rivers of red
Delusions clouding my judgments
Almost numb
Trying and grasping
The edge of the knife
Dangling […]
I wish I could smack all the people who lied to me and told me my life would get better just so that I would not kill myself. Since then my life has gotten progressively worse. I lost everything. My apt, my money, my personal possessions, went into premature labor at 6 months then lost a pregnancy for the second time in less than a year. In order to get through the day I would have to take 4 pills daily that have side effects like hair loss. weight gain (yippee) and the tendency to make me feel like a fucking zombie….I’ll pass. Death is […]
Hey you! Out there in the cold, getting lonely getting old, can you feel me?
by Helix
written by Helix
It’s so strange… I mean, the way I feel… Am I depressed? I would say yes, but I ain’t that sure thats the right word to describe it. I got problems, many problems, but I’m forced too much to hide the real me and the things I really feel and I end up thinking that pretending it’s fucking okay for the sake of everyone keeping his quiet balance in his life. That’s fucking unfair, I can’t sacrifice myself just to prevent the people that surround me from breaking their peace.
I can’t convince myself that this is simply my life and this is all about […]
Well, As it began, I was such a fool. Trying to impress the likes of you. You were sixteen years old and I was merely Thirteen. My heart was cold and my eyes were dull. My wrists were cut and my spirits were gone. Â I was a zombie. Simple as that.
One day, I saw your name on the internet, and..something drove me to look. I talked to you for a month.. During which we were the best of friends.. You were hospitalized in Florida. And I was alone in Alabama. When you got out of the place, you came back to my town (where you lived) and […]
All the people that know me think that I have a “good life” . Yes, I do have the “good life” yet I feel so unhappy and guilty living it. The parents who love me and who provide everything as much as they can and little brother I adore the most, even with them I feel somehow hopeless. I pity them. I pity myself even more. Theres nothing to badmouth about my life, I`m considered to be the luckiest kid because my parents dont do drugs, there is  roof over my head and food in my plate, good school, good clothes etc.
The friends who are not in […]