I wish i had the courage to die, i wish i werent such a wimp and would just do the deed. I honestly can’t find a reason to live anymore. Any help i get is just a waste, any ‘hope’ story is just depressing. Everything is depressing. I just can’t take it. I can’t be honest with my therapist because she has proven how fast she’ll go and tell my dad. My dad is getting tired of taking me to therapy, i can tell he wants it to end but he doesnt get how bady i still need to go. my friends dont know the true me, and never will. my therapist is now trying to get me to try antidepressants, probably has some sort of ‘reward’ for every person she can get prescribed to them. and my mom, she seems depressed too but she’s unaware of how i feel. I’ve been told too many times now that life is worth living when they haven’t lived my life. They all think i’m dumb and my reasons for being depressed is dumb. I wish for ONE day they could be me and they’d understand, no matter how minor things are i was so young and clueless when those things happened that i couldn’t handle them properly and now 4 years later im sill not healed. I want my suicide to look like an accident (if that’s possible) so my parents will get money from thier insurance. atleast i’ll know that their life wont be in misery too much. (i’d hope they’d use some of it towards a burial for me) whatever, if only i could just do it. i’m prepared, i have everything written out, access to my method of choice, i just wish i had the courage to do it. to end my suffering, and everone else’s.
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