So I’m 19…and supposedly a girl who has the world going for me. I’m “pretty” and smart and everyone loves me.
So they tell me. When I was 11, my mom abandoned me to a city who devoured me like the storm devours ships. I was gangraped nightly, used, abused, beaten…..starved, and tied to a bed for days at a time.
I’ve suffered losing everyone close to me, either being left or God takes them from me.
I found a guy that loved me for everything I was….and man I feel hard. And I was doing okay….until May 2nd, 2014 when I lost my daughter, Dylan Michelle…at 6:30 am.
I died inside….and there was the button to set my self-destruct.
Then….to find out June 2nd, that I was pregnant again….I was scared…I did everything right…..and 2 weeks ago….the day after I heard the heartbeat of my seemingly healthy baby….I awoke the next morning to find the sheets soaked with blood.
The father has left me, disgusted. I’m alone…and tired of fighting.
Saturday night…my demons won the war. I don’t fight them anymore, after all, why should I? They’re the only ones who really know me. Saturday night, I got my hands on ecstasy. I downed it….and chased it with 2/3 of a bottle of Calico Jack Cherry Rum. The last thing I remember is seeing my little ones. My beautiful daughter….my precious little boy…
I didn’t die. I tried. My arms are permanently scarred…and my demos seem….calmer…almost sympathetic. When I took those pills and used my switch knife….they stopped screaming. They comforted me….they knew I was broken. They knew I was finished. I had been strong throughout abuse and neglect for 8 years….I couldn’t do it anymore. Right now, I am waiting until I can try again. I’m thinking about making it the 23rd of September. The day my little girl was supposed to come into this world.
So tell me. If I’m pretty, why do I see a fat, disgusting slut when I look in the mirror. If I’m smart…why aren’t I in college…why did I lose my job. If people care…then why is no one there.
10 comments
I’m not religious but I had this total urge to post this to you….
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I would say you think such things about yourself because of all the rape and abuse you endured. I haven’t personally gone through that, but I have had a couple of friends who were sexually abused by people who were supposed to protect them and they think much the same way you do.
I lost track of one of those friends a while ago, but the other is now in college trying to get her life on track. She has such strength and I admire her for it. It took her a while to get that point though and she struggles still. I’m thankful she is alive though as she is one of my closest friends and has been so for years helping me with my own issues.
You might be pretty, smart, and have the world going for you now, but the pain of your past is there unfortunately and it will mean it will never be easy.
If you still have that guy who loves you, that is Someone who cares. And you have the nice people here at SP who care. Like I said, I don’t have the same experiences you have and maybe what I’m saying won’t help much, but there are other people here who have been sexually abused/assaulted or who have lost children through miscarriage that might have suggestions on how to find a way to go on.
I’m so very sorry people did such horrible things to you. It’s truly heartbreaking that so many people have been hurt like that.
I think the stats are 1 in 2 girls will be sexually assaulted by the time they are 18. The numbers reported are 1 in 3 or 4, however, specialist say that they think there are many more unreported.
I was abused as a child. In fact, I think everyone on this message board will say the same. They were abused at some time in their life.
I hate the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. The abuse that I endured only made me weaker…
Yes, there are certainly a lot of abused people here.
Part of what led me here is that I was bullied mercilessly for years and that’s a form of abuse I suppose, but I don’t consider it anywhere near gangrape or sexual abuse. While the bullying has affected me awfully, it’s something that seems stupid compared to Suicides-Angel’s past.
If it seemed like it, I didn’t mean to downplay your abuse einstein.
Definitely agree with Einstein on the saying
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger—-is applicable only in gym…
even there its not so true….correct flexing is more imp than feeling pain.
The guy who “loved” me left…after I miscarried twice he was disgusted with me. I’ve never felt more alone…
I’m not one to tell you it’s going to be simple. It’s not. I have PTSD with a dissociative disorder from multiple abuses as a child and then finding more of them and they, me, as an adult. It’s “normal” for a person with a history of abuse to have eyes from a fun house mirror when we look at ourselves. We see a twisted version of ourselves. It may not be what is really there but it sure as hell looks and feels real and you can’t convince us otherwise, it’s what we were taught was real. It was a lie.
I can tell you, as one who has been in recovery through therapy and internally working for thirty years, I would do the work all over again. They stole enough of my life. I gave them enough of my life. You know the story (I don’t know how true the fable is) about how they train elephants? They start with strong rope when they are small. No matter how hard that baby tries to escape, she isn’t strong enough. As the baby grows, they eventually can keep her tied with a small thin rope that she doesn’t even know she can easily snap because she has been taught she can’t… so she can’t. We are that strong matriachal creature held by an idea and a past. I hate going through my past and I only do it as I’m ready and absolutely have to, but what i do is work on today. How can I get through today? What can I change today to save me and mine? You seem to me to be a tenderhearted and loving person, I would hate to see that lost to the evil of the world. Gentle, honey, be gentle to you. You need love and care in bucket loads.
You know what lady it is possible that this will happen many times before you have a child through personal experience my mother’s friend loved kids, she always had miscarriages and always lost her baby she stopped telling people about her pregnancy including her husband because she was afraid they were just going to lose it again, she also did everything right went to school to be a nurse so she knew what to do… eventually she had a baby after many years of trying and even after having one baby her body continued to have constant miscarriages, she has only had two successful pregnancies out of the ten that I have herd of.. my suggestion would either be keep trying without getting your hopes up or not trying at all… percentage wise you will be disappointed but when it is successful you can consider it a blessing.. and it’s one thing to comment and feel bad it’s another thing to have experienced this.. if you do want a baby but are afraid to lose it why not pick someone else to carry the baby for you.. but first before wanting this you should get your mentality back
As for the guy.. he’s an asshole and he should have been trying to help you.. it’s just as painful for them to lose the child as well but the point of love is to help eachother through the hard times.. I got pregnant at 16 and the guy denied it told my high-school and my family I got drunk at a party had no idea who the father was.. I got kicked out of school when I did he started seeing another girl while still seeing me, he tried to drag me to abortion clinics adoption agencies.. wouldn’t go out in public with me when I started to show.. and I gave this guy everything I had and I loved him locked myself up in my room for weeks on end waiting for him to call when he said he would… and never did… sometimes I think love doesn’t exist it’s just a word people use to try and make themselves feel better