Bitter Sweet

My wife came and stayed with me last night. And brought one of our kids. I missed her. We lived together. Then we were separated due to her fake beatfriend/roomate giving her altimatums on me being there. Today is the fifth day we’ve been living apart. Last night went great. Of course we bickered about what has been going on and stuff sence I’ve been gone the house isn’t a home . its been turned into a frat house. She promises to have me back home soon. She promises to have me back in her arms. In our bed with our pup and our normal life’s.  She says she’s working on everything.

I confessed to her about my thoughts and attempts in the past five days and my reaccurig narcotic problems.   But reassured her she is not the cause if my dysfunctional mental states. Its nothing nobody does. Its myself. I no she loves me . and she knows I love her with a purple burning passion.

She is perfect to me. And I am her flaw. But she loves me past all my imperfections.  All of my problems. Because she has them also. As things get harder on her she tries to avoid being or becoming destructive to her self. I feel guilty for the attempts and tendancy I’ve had. Because I love her so much . she’s my one . as I am hers. She tries to not break promises. But I tell her if there’s even a slight chance that one of her promises could be broke she shouldn’t promise them at all. She has only broke two promises.   That’s it. And she feels as if she’s the bad guy. I am the bad person to expect so much out of her. In such a hard spot …

She asked me last night what I would do if she died. I DAT in silence. Looked at her and asked why she asked me that and she just cried. I said baby I don’t want to be the reason you are unhappy and she like me reassures me its not me making her life so hard. I then turned to her and asked her the same thing. She said “I would be broken I would say that its so sad that the 3rd and 4th generation have gone and the 1st and 2nd will live with this and the 5th generation will grow knowing the pain of having a deseased mother like you and I my love”.

She’s a brilliant person. Makes my life worth living. She shines so bright in the darkest moments. I no she wants to give up just as I. But we thrive and live on because we have reason. We love so strongly it hurts. Were not toxic to each other. Were young. I am 20 . she is 23.  So young in such bad situations. Yet being the only beauty in one another’s hearts knowing that we are the only reason keeping one another afloat I’d bitter sweet. We kiss each other goodbye and say our I love yous tear up a bit. And then she goes. And does what ever she’s doing.

I no I’m hers. And I no she is mine.

We belong together to one another.

So no cheating is not in the question. Hell no. We aren’t the causes of the misery to each other. Granted I am a *****. And our fights become quite painful.  Still nothing will spilt us up.

I told her about this site. And that I’ve had lot of help from you all. And will continue to use this site because you all understand.  Thank you so much. For making me feel less alone. And sharing your stories.