Hi my name is Aurora and I’m going to turn 19 soon. Since I was a little girl I’ve suffered from depression. I remember my frist suicide attempt was when I was around the age of 7 to 9. I tried to suffocate myself with my blanky by stuffing it down my throat, it didnt work. I continued on with my life miserable, but unaware that these feelings werent normal. My mother and stepfather abused me most of my life both mentally and physically. When I confronted my mom about the way she use to treat me she tells me to get over it or deny it. It makes me feel insane like it never happen and that I pictured it all, but I know it did. When I got into middle school I was bullied and outcasted by everyone. I couldnt be happy anywhere I went, not home or at school. My mom didnt let me have any friends or visit family members, it was me and my room which was more of a cage. The thoughts of suicide have been with me since that night with my blanky. My second attempt was when I was in 9th grade I tried to down a bunch of pills, but I didnt take enough and just got sick. The third time was the charm, I overdosed on a bunch of pills I stole from the cabinets in my house. After crying for what felt like a lifetime I crawled into my bed with all my stuffed animals and told myself everything would be okay and that the pain would be gone soon. An hour later my body started to fight back and I passed out, my parents found me and took me to the hospital where they “saved” me. I didnt want to be saved.
Since that night Ive been to scared to try again. I dont want to suffer like that again and then just be brought back to suffer even more. Throughout the rest of my highschool years my pain would come and go. I had friends now to distract me and boyfriends, but I was never complete inside. Then the relationships with boyfriends started turning into abuse and I would accpet this abuse. I felt more worthless with every passing year. My senior year I had a boyfriend  and in that time I had gotten pregnant then had a miscarriage. I was broken again. I bought a pet rabbit to comfort the loss of my baby, my boyfriend killed her out of anger. He wanted to hurt me. I left that night and never went back. I met no name a little while afterwards and he seemed to be almost like me, just older and able to handle himself more. We got along great and weve been together for almost 8 months now. Too bad I couldnt control my emotions and kept pushing him away in fear of losing him. Then I did.
So now my 19th birthday is approaching fast. Im still depressed and worthless. I see no bliss. Just a dark void growing inside of me. I have nothing. I dropped out of college because I felt I couldnt accomplish anything anymore. I see no future. So what’s the point anymore? I tried to get better, but now I have no insurance and can’t afford anything. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’ve been thinking about ending everything again, it seems logical. Why am I writing this? Maybe someone will reach out to me and tell me something so wonderful that I will want to try again.
2 comments
Hi Aurora, I know how bad you feel.
When I was growing up I was bullied and messed about, at home and at school. I felt suicidal often, but there seemed no way out and I didn’t discover cutting till later, when it didn’t matter much.
When I became an adult all the same things that happened in my childhood happened again, with friends and girlfriends – my friends were bullies and ignored or abused me; and I always seemed to end up with girls who would cheat on me and leave me.
And all the time I was miserable and I couldn’t figure out why it was happening all over again. But then I found something out.
I found out that I was inviting it all on me – that because all I’d ever known was abuse, I was deliberately seeking out friends and girlfriends who were abusive because I was mentally set up to do that. They were unconscious decisions, but once I made the discovery I found I was able to do some things that helped – like walking away from abusive relationships, and not asking out the wrong girls, and stayimg away from jobs that hurt.
All I’m saying is that if you step back and look you might see a pattern in your life of unconscious choices that were never really choices – because you made them under the pressures of a childhood that was reaching into your adult life and destroying it.
I really hope you find a way – when your childhood sets you to fail and your adulthood resets you to fail it can be so hard to get up and try again. But if you can break the pattern, life might be worth living.
Sorry about your rabbit, I hate cruelty to animals.
It’s pretty amazing the lack of good parenting in the world. Some parents do their best, others do only what they know based on the way they were raised, but from the posts on this site, this generation is getting the short end of the stick.
It’s important for you to know it’s not your fault…any of this. Friends I have who were brought up in a fairly well supported, and cared for are able to approach life in a healthy way. But if no one provides a safe foundation for you to grow up in, it really impacts you later in life. A couple things…take it easy on yourself..love yourself as much as you can, think things that make you feel good, you deserve to! Denial will keep you from dealing with your own issues and truth, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of, so be as real with yourself as you can with what’s going on. Focus on how you want to feel and only on what you want…not what you don’t want….focus on what you want…so you’re moving in a positive direction only. Hope this helps some..you deserve the best. Good luck to you!