I have attempted suicide twice. Once by hanging and once by pills and alcohol.
Both times I saw it as the only way to end the pain of being alive, of living my life, with my thoughts and my ideas of my future.
And both times I was radically incorrect about how my life would turn out. As I write this I am only now aware of that. I was so totally wrong about how things would play out for me, of all the joys and experiences I would have, of the love I would feel, of the ups that would somehow manifest themselves. If I had taken more extreme measures, I would have missed out on so much, it is an eye opening thing to read the words I have just written. I could see no way out, and where life has taken me over the past 7 years is nothing short of miraculous. How strange.
I write this now, as a 35 year old man with a wife I adore and a son I cherish, and I realize, I am suicidal now because of the circumstances around me. I have lost my job. I am sick. I am tired. I am weak. And all I want is to disappear and have the world and all it’s people live behind the door of my bedroom. I wish so much to sleep, so very, very much to sleep and to never have to go through this again.
But…
I have been here before. It is an awful place, but somehow, god knows how, these things will change, I will somehow meet another happy day, I will somehow be presented with a way out of this filled with some kind of long forgotten joy.
I’ll dispense with preaching to anyone considering suicide. I know you. I am you. Getting help won’t work. Hope won’t work. The future is a bleached nightmare.
I know. I have been there. I am there now.
But I cannot deny as bad as this is now. Somehow, it will change to something different. And that will change to something different. And one day I’ll be out of this.
Some lives are easy. Some lives have downs, ups and downs. If you have the second kind, I feel for you in my heart, and though I have read these words on blogs everywhere, somehow, with almost no effort on your part, things change, they may not get better, but they get different, and that’s somehow ends up being better
7 comments
I didn’t read your entire story, because when I saw you had a wife and child I had to stop so I could write. You are blessed! Tell your wife about your problems, go to therapy, try to get another job – or just take some time off to figure out what you want to do.
This coming from a 24 year old girl who just started her education and didn’t give up because I hang in there for so long, life finally thought it was about time to give me a chance.
You were born into this world for a reason 🙂
You already accomplished a marriage and a family!
Take it from a girl who grew up not knowing her dad. You have no idea how much I wish I’d taken other roads to get to know him. He is not dead, so I still have a chance. You can read about that if you want “I am small” its called.
But dont giive up, please. You are loved!
Humans need hope to keep exist…
nice job (insert long name here)….lol….can we call you trail? …nice job of learning positive self-talk….it really does help….
are you in trouble again….or just need a reminder?….not sure if you’re asking for help, understanding…etc…
to me it almost sounds like a sort of success story…..like you’re doing your own problem solving…but if you need anything…just ask
Patience only comes to those who are patient enough to wait for it.
Namaste
Amakua
Trailing the void….I DID read the whole paragraph and I agree with you. Things change, and that can be much better. I find myself in your shoes sometimes too. I am engaged I have 5 beautiful kids,my family loves and need me and sometimes I just feel so tired. The world is such a scary place and I don’t want to wake up. It’s a terrible place to be.
We need to be strong for our loved ones. I think what you wrote was very important. Things change… the pain is not permanent… it may come back many times in our lives..and it has for me.. . we need to overcome the challenges to experience the joy. It’s not easy at all, but it is worth it.
all i want to do is sleep too.. i rarley ever go to school .. i dont want to do anyhting at all .. becuse i dont care.. i hav no reson to try or live. .. in every life there is one blessing everone has .. that somone els dosnt .. that no matter how you feel about it.. its reality.. having two people that you can say i love you … is the biggest blessing you can get.. i think that till the day i die.. i will never even have one person i can say i really love you..
I know this woman, she is a mother of 2 boys. She is the sweetest most kind hearted woman you will ever meet. she lost her sons father to suicide about 5 or so years ago. Her oldest boy graduated this year and she was a bawling mess. she was sad because her sons father couldnt be there, and she felt for her oldest son because there is nothing he could have wanted more than his father being there… her youngest son is in jr high right now and he still has problems from what happened… this feb is the anniversary of his death and she told me.. this is the hardest month for me and my boys. her youngest one has an extremely difficult time dealing with it especially during Feb..
When you make the decision to take your life you have to think about the people who will forever be affected by it. a boy in junior high, an older one just graduating… and they keep pictures of him. and they hold them close to their heart… but they hurt. and its painful for them even to this day and I’m sure forever. Its wonderful that you were able to work through this. if ever you feel like you want to give up just take a look at your family. they are what really matters. think about all the beautiful days you ‘ve spent with them and think about the future you will have with them… marriage. grandkids. celebrating accomplishments.
You’re story is very touching. Take care of yourself and your family.
Let yourself feel what you feel, tell people how you feel, your wife, your friends. It’ll hurt them so much more if you die and they thought they could’ve done something, helped you. Like everything, this feeling will pass. Admit you feel this way, but try not to surrender to it.. I don’t know, I’m not a physcologist or a therapist.
See beauty in small things, the sun shining on dew, the setting of the table, abstract colours. Fill yourself up with them. Don’t try to do everything at once, ease yourself through teh day, the important thing is you got through it..