or it certainly seems and feels like I will.
I have had mental health problems for years now and I have always actively tried to help myself. I have always sought help and have been medicated for a long time. I think it was hard because I was never ill enough for it to be noticed by anyone but ill enough for it to interfere with my life daily.
I just hate myself. Every time I close my eyes, my mind is screaming for me to end it. I just cant do it any more and I have no other choice. I have never visualised myself being old. I think I was always supposed to kill myself. I always knew I would do it one day. Guess it was just a matter of when and how.
I cant stand the cruelty, despair and sadness in this world. It drives me insane that i cant do anything to help. I am such an insignificant human being.
I have started writing goodbye letters, so this time i guess it must be serious. I would like to hope not. I just don’t see any other choice.
I have had a few ideas, I think about it numerous times a day. I think it will be large quantities of opiates, slit wrists or a very fast car crash.
I have never really been able to speak to anyone about this properly. Even to the mental health team I was under. I just couldn’t speak to them. Its such a taboo subject I have never wanted anyone to know how I feel. I worry it would freak out my friends and family and they would treat me differently.
I am a horrid person, i have done some horrid things. I simply don’t deserve to be alive any more.
I have an email address. Becki_one@yahoo.com If you relate to me, email me. Don’t email me with don’t do it emails or god bothering rubbish, because im simply not interested.
I will contact The Samaritans and everything within my power to help myself, but I don’t think its going to work this time. I am beginning to think it is just a matter of when not if now.