or it certainly seems and feels like I will.
I have had mental health problems for years now and I have always actively tried to help myself. I have always sought help and have been medicated for a long time. I think it was hard because I was never ill enough for it to be noticed by anyone but ill enough for it to interfere with my life daily.
I just hate myself. Every time I close my eyes, my mind is screaming for me to end it. I just cant do it any more and I have no other choice. I have never visualised myself being old. I think I was always supposed to kill myself. I always knew I would do it one day. Guess it was just a matter of when and how.
I cant stand the cruelty, despair and sadness in this world. It drives me insane that i cant do anything to help. I am such an insignificant human being.
I have started writing goodbye letters, so this time i guess it must be serious. I would like to hope not. I just don’t see any other choice.
I have had a few ideas, I think about it numerous times a day. I think it will be large quantities of opiates, slit wrists or a very fast car crash.
I have never really been able to speak to anyone about this properly. Even to the mental health team I was under. I just couldn’t speak to them. Its such a taboo subject I have never wanted anyone to know how I feel. I worry it would freak out my friends and family and they would treat me differently.
I am a horrid person, i have done some horrid things. I simply don’t deserve to be alive any more.
I have an email address. Becki_one@yahoo.com If you relate to me, email me. Don’t email me with don’t do it emails or god bothering rubbish, because im simply not interested.
I will contact The Samaritans and everything within my power to help myself, but I don’t think its going to work this time. I am beginning to think it is just a matter of when not if now.
10 comments
It sounds like you were writing for me, about 10 years from now (if I decide to live that long). I feel very similar to you, though our situations may be different. I want to die because I can’t keep fighting every day to get out of bed, smile, pretend like everything is okay. No one loves me, I feel like I’ve lost the ability to love. I just feel flat, emotionally, and dead when it comes to having any kind of life that is even remotely decent.
I wish things were more fair in life; I wish that we (meaning people who have these kinds of thoughts) could talk to someone who takes them seriously and is intelligent enough to converse in depth about why we should live even though we believe it’s better for us to just kill ourselves and get the hell out of this place. Everything I’ve read/researched says the same things “you’re not thinking clearly” “you’re just being selfish” “life is more valuable than death- if you kill yourself, you can’t come back to life!” “it’s only temporary, these things you are going through, give yourself some time!” “Call a crisis hotline! They’ll help you!”- yeah, they’ll help you get resources that you can follow up with on your own time. Or, if you’re seriously thinking about suicide, they recommend going to a hospital. Hospitals will do nothing to really help you. They usually do the same thing as a hotline- refer you to outside help. And most of the time, the help that they suggest that even poor people can afford, is horrible help. It’s “let me give you medicine!” instead of “let’s try to talk about what the actual problems are”.
I’m SO SICK of hearing this shit. Yeah, I can read, yeah I get it, yeah okay fine. It does nothing for me. And I’m guessing it’s doing nothing for you either.
This world is so hard and cruel. I do understand. I know that constant mental pain that just eats away at you. I know that inner voice that tells you your not good enough, your worthless. When I have times like that I try to read the bible or go to church. It does really help. Also remember to try to stay present in every moment. I’ve been doing that and it really makes a world of difference. I don’t know you but I care about you!
Hey,
Thank you for your replies. Today is pretty rubbish. I have been to the doctors. I am being referred back to my mental health team. I dont know what difference it will make.
This is one of my days off. I work hard but im barely able to get out of bed today. Just managed to drag myself into the bathroom for a bath but the house is a state and i have things to do. Im telling myself they need doing, but i dont seem to be able to make it happen.
I just dont know how to make this better. I just think ill be gone soon. i am starting to feel scared. I just hope whatever i decide to do , the way i feel doesnt last much longer, because i can not deal with it anymore.
It is nice to know i am not alone. Please email me if you want to, ill always reply when i am not at work. Becki_one@yahoo.com
Hello Hotlittlehands,
How old are you?…and when did you see yourself dying?…I mean…like did you have a cut off date…like I remember thinking that if I lived to the next century…and that was a concept I couldn’t grasp…lol..but IF I made it that far…that would be it…cuz life past 40…unimaginable…and why would you want to?…I attempted the first time before the age of 4…how’s that for miserable?…lol..and 6 more times before the last time at ouch 39…but I’m 50 now…and although I suffer chronic and severe pain because of this and many many other episodes of self-harming…I’m still here…yeah it gets rough sometimes even now….but I wouldn’t have it any other way…because all of my life experiences have resulted in who I am today…do I have a dark past?…yes…have I harmed others…lord yes…do I have dirty filthy shameful secrets…you bet ya…so what is so bad that you would rather die…and I did…another story…lol….than face yourself. I bet you’re not scary at all…atleast not to me…what are you gonna do…kill me?….I think not…I have a new deadline…my 3rd…and I have another 26 years left to play here…oh yeah I forgot to tell you….after all my attempts to end my life…one of them fairly successfully…lol…in December 2000…remember my first self-prophecy?…I was given less than 6 months to live…confirmed by 2 specialists…and yet here I am 11 years later…yakking at you…what do you think?…was it a case of self-fulfilling prophecy…or did I have a foreshadowing of things to come…in the end…I did die in Jan. 01…in more ways than one…and I am definitely re-born to life…but no Xtian here…worse…Gnostic…lmao
So how old is too old? Your prediction?
Blessed Be
Amakua
Hey,
Depends on the person. I dont see a particular age limit, i just dont imagine myself as old. I dont think ill last that long. Im 28.
x
Oh Honey,
If you’re talking to me? You are old…just not ancient like me…lol Actually my oldest daughter is going to be 31 this year…and I tell her she’s old all the time…lol
She says sometimes it’s hard to talk to me because I am too logical…which means?…she’s nutz!!!…lol…but she does talk to me when she can’t go on…cuz I can and do understand…and I challenge her…but her biggest issue is the anxiety…how about you?
I just hope…because I’m selfish…that your date will be similiar to mine…and you will finally break through instead of just break down…and start to live…have you ever?…what broke you?…and do you remember how old?
Nosy old woman
Amakua
I am certainly getting on a bit.
I am not anxious, I don’t think. I don’t feel it. Have I ever what?
Nothing bad has ever really happened to me, well nothing major. Never been raped or involved in a horrific accident and my mum and dad are still alive.
Just unbalanced chemicals in my brain I think, my brain is self destructive, wants me dead. That or a tumor. But first option is more likely.
You seem like you are getting on alright, is that true?
Becki
Hello Becki,
If you think you have a tumor or something…that is a sign of anxiety…I remember my sister…if she had a rash…she had skin cancer…if she had a headache…brain tumor…and she really thought like this. It would be pretty hard to NOT have anxiety…or fear as it is also called….lol…atleast in this reality.
Why do people think there has to be some great big trauma in their life…to cause mental issues and PTSD? That is ridiculous…first off…turn on your TV…you are about to be traumatized…and people sometimes forget their own traumas as well…in order to carry on…but they are always under the surface waiting. Guilt from childhood is lifelong…unless you learn to understand and deal with it. Mental issues are caused from trauma…whether physical or emotional trauma…and a trauma is anything that makes you feel unsafe or unloved or unworthy. A child hood friend tells you a secret…and you tell someone else….you feel guilty for betraying your friend…and everytime you think about this friend…this uncomfortable feeling comes up…but we just stuff it…so imagine that your friend finds out…and confronts you….now we’re talking guilt….and if your actions caused your friend harm….well then….shame. And these small incidences are how we start our negative self talk. I am not trustworthy, I don’t deserve friends….and our emotions play out these dramas over and over again…under the surface…until….something triggers them….Like say your friends name was Alicia….how many times over your lifetime are you going to hear, say or read the name Alicia…and everytime you do…little uncomfortable…so years down the road…we may have stuffed the memory so well that we no longer remember our childhood friend but for some reason….you just can’t stand the name Alicia….
Or an example from my own life….when I was very young…I had a friend who meant the world to me…no details…but one day we accidentally broke a window…and I panicked….and told him I was gonna go home to get something to fix it…and just kept on running. We were never friends after that…not because of him…because I couldn’t be around him anymore…because of my own guilt and shame….but we had shared sooo much…that I was constantly being reminded of him and then my own shame…even now…there is still a wee bit of shame…even though I am working on understanding why I did it…and learning to forgive myself….come on…he’s a big shot in a multi-national now…he probably doesn’t remember….but I do…..
So this is what I mean by there doesn’t have to be a big trauma…those we have recall of….but the many many smaller traumas we deal with…and how we deal with them…before we even understand these things called feelings…but a friend that moves away…trauma….changing schools…trauma….getting caught lying…trauma….so this is why I call PTSD…The Human Condition….we all have it in one form or another…seriously…and trauma always causes us to question our own reality and mortality and purpose and self worth…always.
The fact that you have no big trauma is encouraging…and could be solved with a wee bit of DBT…and maybe CBT to move on….but in order to change how you feel…you first have to change how you think. Sorry but you might just live….lol…morbid aren’t I?
Me!!!…I’m just tickity boo…until I’m not…I just don’t spend all my time running away from myself anymore…that is all. If a bad feeling comes up….I don’t stuff it or write it off….I sit with it and try to understand it…big difference…and the universe is meeting me halfway…that is all I can say for sure….I’m still here…yeah!!!!…most days…lmao
Namaste
Amakua
Hello Amakua,
Thats the problem with writing instead of talking, cant hear tone or see expression.
The tumor thing was just my sense of humor. I am not an anxious person.
I have just always been low since the age of 15 or so. No trigger. Stress makes it worse. Just underlying im going to top myself thoughts and feelings. stress makes it worse. I have a dodgy brain that doesnt have the right amount of chemicals. Thats all. Will be on meds long long term, or untill i top myself. One or the other.
Thank you for your concern though! Im glad you have found a way to manage yourself.
Take care x
Hey Becki,
I didn’t think you thought you actually had a tumor…lmao. And btw…folks keep telling me the same thing….chemical imbalances and such….but since I have never had my seratonin, or dopamine or any other brain hormone level testing done…and neither has anyone else I have ever heard of….so…until I see it I don’t believe it…I assumed you were dealing with both depression and anxiety…mostly because of the medical fears…hahaha…but perhaps you are just suffering from Dysthymia…we use to call this Melancholia. So let me see if I get this…lol…you are not actually suicidal….but have sucidal thoughts or ideations?
Let me know if I’m getting closer
Amakua