it feels like i just cant grip on to life,i remember sitting there like it was just yesterday,sitting down rocking back and forth having my arms rapt tight around my stomic from such intence hunger pain, in a cold basement with concrete floor an unfinished ceiling were you could tie a rope around a pipe and the other end around your neck and hang yourself, like i tempted to at age 14,i had noone, they finally put a bed down there after 6 months of me sleeping either outside somewhere or inside on a filthy moldy couch that had holes in it and smelt like […]
April 2012
sometimes you just know when it is time to go!
I’ve been writing too many of these lately…
A long and winding road
A winter lonely and cold
I near the end of this fateful trip
The solitude sucks me down
To depths below the underground
No hope of any rescuing ship
A ray of dawn breaks the dark horizon
Illuminating the shattered dreams
Through the purest light I can envision
A place devoid of broken memories
Shrouded in the sheltering darkness
Forgetting and becoming lifeless
Simply let go
Don’t mourn what you know
I leave on the wings of night
I leave you to fight
Never forget-
The sun must set
Take all my love
Carry it with […]
Don’t you hate it when you take a dump and ur dick falls asleep along with ur leg? Happenes to me all the time, probably poor blood circulation for a 17 year old…
I wrote this 3 days ago and since wordpress doesn’t let me write on my iphone without lag, I just copy and paste it which is easier.
My dad pissed me off a bit. Between the facts I know and the facts he knows, we are both ignorant of each other. I tell him what I heard and he tells me that he’s older and therefore he has all the brains and […]
If I were to cut myself for everytime I felt abandoned, unloved, or betrayed, there would be nothing left to cut
Because everything I touch turns to stone. So wrap your arms around me, and leave me, I can’t hold on….
so… a lot. It’s easter holidays and told myself that i’m allowed to cut myself… it has slightly spiraled out of control. My left wrist is covered in small thin, lines and my right has 3 simple lines. My upper left arm looks…well. i carved ‘CRAZY’ into it….
Basically, i met this guy online, he is 18. we talked about a lot and then out of nowhere he removes me as a friend and blocks me…i could deal with the pain if i hadn’t started to really like him… and he also told me ‘ I would never leave you’…
I want to be sort of like […]
At first, I was a lonely bullied kid or whatever the fuck, you know it. No friends, bad parents, yeaaah.
Then at the age of 15-17 a change happened.
Now I’m a sosiopathic narsist.
The real question is, which one is better?
Is it weird that to me taking 40 advil for a headache seems reasonable even if you know it won’t work? I don’t see the big deal. It took me 59 to OD last time so 40 is nothing to worry about. Yet, no one believes me when I say I was not trying to hurt/ kill myself. Stupid people. They all know I don’t lie. I want to get better. It just struck me as something interesting to do. Why not try it? I handeled it fine and all of it was out of my system the next day during my psych appointment but […]
My life has always been about others. I changed, I acted, I stayed silent so that life would be easier for everyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever pursued anything for myself and that’s alright. I never expected anything in return for what I sacrificed, what I left unsaid. I’m ok with being the punching bag, because if it wasn’t me it would be someone else, and no one deserves this. After a while, you start to savor the pain. It’s an acquired taste.
Being alive slowly killed me. Now I am just a shell. An empty body. I can’t quite reach the other side because […]
EDIT: Â My only thought was dying, I really didn’t consider the feelings of the person that would be driving the vehicle (obviously). I’m sorry. Â I’ll come up with something else then.
I haven’t eaten in a while, I mean, why bother to when I’m just going to die anyway. I thought long and hard about how to do it, I’m just not sure how much of an accident it will look like. No one is to know I’m doing it on purpose, that I want to die. That will only complicate things if I fail and end up in some hospital with a couple of broken […]
Why couldn’t I have been a miscarried child, or an aborted child? Why couldn’t my mother have gotten her tubes tied? Why couldn’t I’d stop breathing after I was born?
I can’t even imagine how great things would’ve been had I not been born into this disgusting world. No pain, no sorrow, no nothin’….I couldve just been the nothingness that I deserved to be.
close them, the thoughts become calmer as they speak,
my the pound and brake on my brain
head banging, is a race with my mind, that help find serenity
im blind, these feeling are reall, this is how i feel?
and it will never go away, but just to be sure they will
i just hopee really hope i die tooday
I’m new to the site (obviously) Been lurking around here for quite a while though. I don’t know why, Guess knowing I’m not the only one feeling fucking miserable is comforting for me.
I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can really remember. I guess the only reason why I haven’t killed myself already is that I don’t know how my family would react. Don’t really want them to feel bad… Then again, They might be glad I’m gone. I don’t really care anymore honestly. They don’t pay any attention to me anymore…
I plan on killing myself tomorrow…But looking back, I’ve said that so many […]
Well, I am new to this site. I have been suicidal since I was 12 years old, or that’s the earliest I remember, since at that time I made notecards about me, in preparation. I was planning to write letters to everyone I cared about. Now I am 17 and I am still planning on writing those letters. The reason I haven’t committed suicide yet, is because I didn’t want my mom to hurt. Now, she just got diagnosed with cancer. I am scared and worried of what might happen. Incase anything happens I notified 2 of my friends about what has been going on […]
april fools.
I worked so hard to get to where I am, despite family background and chronic illness, I somehow made it this far. I have my family and friends mostly to thank for that, along with a will power I thought would never die. My illness already put me on leave half a year and now Im back in my Phd program and it feels like everyone is against me at every turn, including my body. I’m mostly better now except for the nerve pain. I cant believe I couldn’t eat for a whole year. It baffles me that Ive been through this. It’s not easier […]
It used to be my favorite day but I’ve lost interest. I loved making people mad but then getting away with saying April fools. My parents are finally noticing how tired I am. But they do nothing to offer help. Ugh so many things going on in my head. It sucks to have an addiction to self harm. Maybe i should ask to see a therapist or Psychiatrist. I’m always depressed and I feel so dead than alive. I actually want help.
I haven’t been on in a while. For those of you who care, yes I’m still alive. I hit a new low today. I found myself smoking out a window at 2 a.m. I was supposed to quit on march 1st. I didn’t. I can’t. It’s the only thing that calms me down anymore. My 1st family therapy session turned into a complain about how much of a problem I am session. I hate this. All of this. My girlfriend is unwilling to go any further in our relationship, my parents r suspicious of my habits, I went back to cutting after 5 days s.i. […]
I don’t know how, but I stopped feeling. At the time it seemed better than always being depressed and suicidal, just numb myself, make the pain go away. But it’s torture not feeling anything, I see people happy, i see people love, i see people depressed, and i want to hate them, but now i can’t even care. I lie in bed and i cant cry, just stare at the ceiling. I would kill myself, but whats the point? To go from nothing to nothingness. Everybody just sees the mask i put on so i dont freak anybody out but i dont even know why […]
good looking people are
ASSHOLES!