My life is a joke.

I just keep thinking about suicide. I don’t explicitly have a plan yet, but I have a general idea of what to do. I know we aren’t allowed to talk about this on the board, but even if we were, I’m not sure if I want my mind changed and I don’t want to be stopped. I told myself I’d give myself until I turned 30, but that seems overly generous now. I don’t know when, but I can’t see myself carrying on for that long. I’m not a human being. If I were, I’d feel loved and worthwhile. There would be a point to my life. I’d have friends. People who I’ve met would wonder how I’m doing. I don’t know what the secret is to having that, something everyone else I know seems to have except me. Sometimes I wish I could make them hurt and self-loathe and feel depression as much as I do, just so I could know that there was fairness in this world.
Therapy hasn’t worked. It doesn’t work when you have to lie in order to keep out of the police station or the psyche ward and avoid the resulting stigma, expenses, and job problems. Medication hasn’t worked. It doesn’t work when it affects you physically and become fat ON TOP of being depressed. Cutting myself, as great as it feels, got questions in college that I don’t want to be asked by coworkers. Maybe death will work. Dying doesn’t solve any problems, I know. It ELIMINATES them completely, no solution necessary.

I don’t want to be here anymore. The only control I have over life is deciding when to shut it off. That’s the only say-so I have and the only demand I have that has no choice but to be met. I don’t want to burden anyone or make anyone feel like they have an obligation to help me…no cries for help here. I simply wanted to say goodbye, as I will probably say goodbye to people offline when I finally decide it’s time.