My Secrets.

I’m 16 and a junior at high school.  I have been suicidal for a long time and I have yet to talk to anyone about it. I used to do terrible things to my friends and family. I would lie, cheat, and steal from them. I don’t know why i did it but i did. I realized that it was bad and I stopped. I’m better and happier.

Just recently I heard my friends talking about themselves and saying that their fat and that they need to lose weight. It didn’t used to affect me but I started to believe it. Me  being a thicker and wider person i thought ” well if they are than I am”. At first it was okay I thought a little less eating and better/ healthier food that will be fine. I lost a few pounds and then it stopped. I went to extremes. I slowly and gradually stopped eating. It felt good. I felt like this was the way i was supposed to be. I began to see myself looking sickly and like a corpse. My skin was pale for my milk chocolate color, and I finally saw a problem. I began slowly eating and now i still cant eat a full meal without feeling sick. Some days i go without eating anything but breakfast. This burden is holding me back.

Back to stealing. Recently my cousin was giving away old clothes that she had in a bag and her mom told me to look through them to see if there was anything that i could use. I found some socks and underwear and a few tee-shirts and i took them washed them and used them. My sister went looking through my room and said that they were hers and showed my parents and they believed her.I swear on my life that i did not touch her stuff and that she is wrongly accusing me. She always targets me, and wants to make me feel pain as if i owe her something. She is constantly saying that she has no kids so she shouldn’t have to take care of me but i font need her. And when ever i do something wrong she makes a big deal about it.

Now on to my family. My dad has prostate cancer, my mom LOW blood pressure, my brother bi polar disorder and my sister is just a *****. I mistreat my mom and I’m not grateful to her like i should be. She works hard and gets little money and everyday i come home angry and depressed and she yells at me for it. She talks about me with my sister and basically calls me a waste, she says i waste things and that I’m just abusing her. Shes always talking about how bad it is and the way it seems I feel like i’m the one causing all of this bad.

I want to talk with people but no one listens especially my family. All they worry about is how they look to other people. I look for my friends to talk to but i feel like i cant . i don’t want them to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t want to hurt them by telling them. Especially my best friend. I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything, just not this. I love him and I have ever since i met him 4 years ago. He’s dated people between then and every time he stops i fall for him again. I told him that and he told me he doesn’t feel the same way. He doesn’t want to lose me. He already lost a best friend and isn’t willing to lose another. This killed me. We’re still friends just as close as before but it hurts every time i see him. It feels like I just want something I cant have.

All of this crap has put me in this physical mental and emotional pain. I don’t know how to stop it and I think that death will be the only relief. I am ready to take my life.