I’ve been really thinking about everything that’s happened to be and what might happen to me lately I kinda just want to get everything that’s happened to me out there. I’ve never actually told anyone my whole life story before. I don’t expect this to get me any comments or any views for that matter, I just want to get if off my chest. It kinda explains why I am who I am. Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning:
When I was 2 months old my mom found out my dad was on some serious drugs. He actually dealt drugs. Every kind you could think of, he had. As soon as my mom found out, she kicked him out and told him to stay away. She didn’t want me in any danger. He gave her a ring and proposed to her right there. This didn’t change anything nor did it change him. She still kicked him out. He repeatedly would kick down our door when he was high. My mom continued to call the cops every time he showed up. He was arrested many times until he finally got the point he should leave us alone. One day he actually called my mom and told he he’d try to quit and that he loved both of us and never wanted to hurt us. She let him back in our lives for a while until his problem would get bad. Over the course of about 5 years he went into rehab 3 times (all failed), kicked down our door more times than we could count, got arrested at least 5 times or more and basically changed both my mom’s and my life. For better or worse? Not really sure about that one. From the times my mom actually let him into my life and gave him a try (which he fucked up every time), I had some good memories with my dad. I remember when he let me drive the car and we would watch cartoons while my mom was at work. But he never actually stayed in my life for long.
I had a good childhood (excluding the fact of my father). Always was at family’s house. I basically spent most of my childhood with my aunt and uncle though. My mom was still trying to earn her nursing degree. That’s where I had all of my important “first times”. You know learning how to ride a bike and learning how to swim. My uncle might as well be my dad. He treated me like I was his own. He never had kids so I was basically his daughter. He was actually there when I was born. One of the first to hold me, even before my dad. But anyways had a great childhood, until 5th grade.
5th grade year, I thought I was the shit. You know, everybody does at that age. My mom had just married my step-dad. I had new step-sisters (who didn’t live with us). One of them was actually goth, which put me at an awkward stage. I wanted to be goth. So I started buying clothes with skulls on it and gloves and shit like that. Of course everyone found me a little “odd” but it’s 5th grade…everyone’s at that “awkward” stage then. Well as the year went on, I just wasn’t as happy I should be. I had a neighbor who seemed to always be getting in trouble. Of course I thought I was a bad ass so I started doing some of the things he would do. Yelling at teachers, getting in fights. I took it to far when I took a knife to school and waved it around in front of everyone. Oh don’t you love when you get your first suspension. The principle at my school actually liked me so I didn’t get in trouble for half the shit I done, but this….this was just out of line. I got suspended for 5 days plus all school events for a month. You know it’s bad when you get home and your mom is so shocked she doesn’t know what to say or do to you. So anyways that pretty much concluded my my year…
Middle school…. Oh how I hate that. My 6th grade year all that bad ass shit faded and I found some friends that I fit in with. I wasn’t trying to be anything I wasn’t, I was just me. I had a lot of fun. I hate some troubles on my bus though. A girl in high school started threatening to kill me. I am honestly not even sure why to this day. I was basically the target on my bus for some reason. My mom sorted that shit out. Didn’t ride the bus for quite sometime. No one would stick up for me because they were all afraid of her. But that’s over now.
7th grade I wanted a change. I went scene. Made fun of for my hair but I liked it so I didn’t give a fuck. I went through more relationships than I could count. I was officially the school whore. Got called a bunch of names. I had a best friend though that I had had since 6th grade. We were pretty tight. I really didn’t trust her though. But I didn’t really trust anyone anyways. I decided it was time. I wanted her to know who the real me was. I told her I was bi sexual. Big mistake. She went and told everyone. I just wanted her to know, but everyone knew. By the next day the whole school knew, even the high school. That’s the first time I learned that shit gets around fast. I also learned I couldn’t trust anyone. I didn’t want to be alone, so I forgave her. I was afraid of being alone. I was bullied all year long. Tormented. That whole experience really changed me a lot. I started cutting for the first time that year. At first I didn’t know how to feel about it, but as I started doing it, I felt a relief. Every time I cut, it got better and better.Well towards the middle of the year I meet someone online. I turned to online chat rooms and that’s when I meet a guy. There was just something about him that was….different. I couldn’t explain it…still can’t. I basically spilled my guts about what was happening to me. He honestly accepted me for who I was. Honestly, I fell in love with him. We talked for weeks. I financially told him how I felt. He explained to me he felt the same way. By this time we known basically everything about each other except our pasts. He lived in Kansas…me in North Carolina. This was shit you only saw in movies you know? I didn’t know how to act. My first love. He saved me from doing some pretty stupid shit I would’ve regretted. We dated for about 2 or 3 months. I was the happiest I could ever be. Then everything changed. Then I meet a guy at school. Charming, good looking, basically someone I thought would never talk to be in a million years. We became best friends. He lured me in. He pulled me away from my real true love. He would tell me “come on, you don’t need him. He’s way out there and I’m right here for you”. I knew he was right, I just didn’t want to accept it.I finally gave in. I told the love of my life that I couldn’t be with him because of distance. He understood where I was coming from and we decided to be friends and always be there for each other.
I dated basically the guy of every girls dreams. It was all good for a couple days. Sweet good morning texts, late night phone calls. Then bam. Everything changed. He changed. He told me I was worthless, no one wanted me. He told me I was trash, that I should die, that no one would care. He was mentally abusive. I was scared to brake up with him. I was scared of the lies he would tell everyone. The bullying was just starting to calm down, I didn’t need that in my life again. We stayed together for close to 6 months. I didn’t love him. I never did. Nor did he love me. I had to end this…I finally did….after my truelove told me the truth, the truth I was too stupid to understand. That “dream guy” was tearing me apart. He open my eyes once again.
I ended it. No rumors ended up being spread. Which I was very surprised at. After all this shit went on, I told myself no one would ever want me. I thought I was ugly. I started not eat anything. I basically would chew gum and drink soda. I did this for about 3 months. I lost 25 pounds. I guess I was anorexic. I really don’t call it anything. I just didn’t ever eat.
After that summer came along before I knew it. And before I knew it, summer was over. 8th grade, supposedly my “new start”. This year I was emo. I had the attitude to fit at this point. Single, emo, bi sexual and OCD….what a combination. New year, new shit. Beginning of the year. The lying ***** of the school decided to start shit with me this year. Never had a problem with her in my life. Actually I’d never even talked to her either. I had made a new friend this year. She had left her old school because she was being bullied…for being bi sexual….this was an actual shock for me. I was the only person that knew. She became the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I tell her everything and she doesn’t actually tell everything, mostly because she’s been through the shit I’ve been through…if not worse. We walked to the bus together one day and she hugged me. Apparently someone saw and went back and told the school *****. The first weeks rumor was true…I did hug her. Second weeks’ not true…I did not kiss her. Third weeks’ not true..I did not have sex with her. Fourth weeks’ not true…I do not have HIV. How the hell do people even come up with shit like this. It was last year all over again. My new start was turning out to be a remake of the year before. I hated school. I hated mostly everyone. My love still got me through a bunch of shit though. I still turned to cutting. But I seemed to have a new hook, even more powerful than cutting… prescription pain pills. Oh those did the trick just right. Take about 5 of those and then cut, best feeling ever. I was even taking them during school hours. It was getting bad though. I was so hooked I couldn’t go 2 hours without taking at least 3. I couldn’t even remember what was said in class because my mind was so fucked up. My mom was to busy to notice the dried blood on my arm and her disappearing bottles. Oh well. One day I hit bottom though. I took broken glass to school and cut my arm in the bathroom. It bleed so bad it went numb. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I popped some pills and threw paper towels everywhere to cover the blood, which that just seemed to make a bigger mess. I got a good amount cleaned by the time I went back. I was so fucked up on pills that I didn’t notice my arm was dripping blood though. The janitor stopped me in the hall and asked if I was okay and I just answered yes and told him I hurt my arm on the door. That solved my problems for a while. My mom actually gave my more pills, not knowing I already had plenty.
I decided that I was also atheist too. I found out I have ADHD also. Me and the love of my life went off and on dating for about 3 months. Every time we separated my cutting and other addictions got worse. He didn’t know at this point all this shit was going on with me. Yesterday I told him everything. And I already have a post up about how that worked out. 2 months ago I finally figured out I have anxiety attacks. Honestly I think all the drugs I took probably fucked with my system. I just got over being suicidal for the first time in 8 months. I am currently on depression medication to maintain everything.  And that’s pretty much my life so far. Just telling you now so everybody knows, I’m 14 and happy at the moment. But no one knows when that’s going to fucking change lol. Life’s a fucked up ride.
8 comments
well i took the time to read this because for some reason, i thought i would relate to it, and i actually did.
i know how it is to get bullied all throughout middle school and highschool. it can be the hardest thiing to go thru, people there r some really harsh people who will always try to bring us down, but u gotta keep ur eyes open and realize that u r so much better than what they say u r. u need to remember what you are worth and dont ever let anything tell u otherwise.
as for the relationship, people will always label u. but u gotta be strong and ignore all the bullshit they say. i just got out of an abusive relationship and its affected me a lot. but sweetheart, i can tell u, all this pain u went thru will turn into strength.
It’s a good feeling knowing your not alone in the world. That people can actually relate to the shit I go through. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment,it means a lot
If you ever feel desperate for help or just want a friend, feel free to email me at any time. I check my mail constantly
Thank you
Wow, I am honestly so surprised that you are very articulate with your writing at such a young age. As a growing young woman in today’s society, it is common for some to feel like they are not be able to fit in with others. I am terribly sorry for your past, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I am happy for you that you are willing to change and find your true identity, which is something I am struggling with today – and I’m 20 years old.
I hope that you will grow to be a strong woman in the future, and if you ever need to vent, I will be glad to hear your problems and give you positive insight.
Good luck and stay strong!
Thank you I wish you ,luck in finding your true self also. Good luck (:
It’s surprising how much of this stuff applies to other people as well; we just don’t realize it. I’m bisexual. I feel inadequate and insecure. I feel like I’m drudging through life without a purpose. These things don’t necessarily constitute a horrible life, but it’s what you decide to do with those emotions. I’m about the same age as you and it’s like looking through a mirror. I wish you the best of luck with your problems. You seem very mature for your age and you should be proud that you’ve come to terms with your issues.
I’m glad I’m not the only one, you know? I feel like with all the shit I’ve been through and going through, just makes me stronger in the end. Fuck the haters lol stand strong (: