If everytime I message her, I feel high, then what does it mean? What if it brings me out of numbness. What if after our talks, I end up feeling like shit. We come back to my old rants about love. I thought Nycolle was my drug, yet I just felt worse and worse the whole time.
Lucky for me there are people here who most highly likely feel the same about this kind of situation. But, the problem is my lack of long term solutions for this problem. What can I do? After breaking off what little we had? People from here tell me not to give up. My favorite number is three, I have Oh Cee Dee, yet I fell for three girlies. (Failed attempt at poetry)
3 girls. One after the other, I fall in love, the first I was in foolish love. I got over her rejection within 3 years ish. My next was (familiar)close to me, and the rejection took a few months. The third, I still recover from, but I have thus mentally vowed never to love again. Whether I will hold true to that thought, I do not know.
Today, I went through visiting internship sites for school. I got rejected from all and got a maybe as well. Then I got home and went on the computer, as soon as she came about and we chatted, my mood plummeted back to this.
I wouldn’t blame her, it all was my fault for what happened. I flirted with people from here the whole time, I move on to the next SPer from chat. One falls for me because she’s vulnerable and then I leave her abandoned and rejected. I fall for another and she feels hurt. She watches as our love grows and finally someone speaks up on her part. I don’t listen, but SHE, compassionate and loving as she is does what’s best for everyone but US… Some say my lack of relationships and distrust and yearning of them is due to my mother divorcing my dad, showing love doesn’t last. My mom has yet to find someone she actually love, sticking with a drunken idiot for a boyfriend.
It is plausible that I feel distrust of them for the same reason and yet yearn for them as well, but i don’t know. Call me smart, all you will do is put a smile on my face for a moment. In my head, that’s no better than flirting with girls to make them happy and thus making me feel accomplished and less lonely.
I have a friend from here that kept calling me smart and that boosted my ego quite a bit, leading me to feel bloated with intelligience as I like to use big words to further my ego. This isn’t too great for me as of now…
Here I am, lacking a smile. Thinking about my future of living alone, joining the military, hearing my mom scream and cry as she gets news of my death on the battlefield while in the Marines… But if I survive I will then move to live alone and probably work as a car mechanic and thus go through a monotonous lifestyle of wake up, eat, go to work, come home, smoke a bowl, eat snacks, go out and buy more snacks, fall asleep and repeat that lifestyle.
That’s how my life will pan out. At some point I may take my gun out of my safe, and then blow my brains out. Or drive up to Canada or Mexico and do it there so my mom doesn’t hear about it. She’ll think I’m having a life and will only miss me, but not know the truth… Time to do my homework… Bye.
18 comments
Rogue. You need to meet some real girls. Internet forums are not the place to fall in love. Not for someone like you anyway, who falls in love at the drop of a hat.
The thing is how can one fall in love with another that you barely know or understand? When I meet people in real life, I can’t talk to them since I get anxious and hate it, People on here though, I ca tell them my darkest secrets. Real life I can’t hold that kind of trust with someone.
Although I know, I mustn’t try and go for people on an internet forum, but I feel safe here. It also keeps my self-destructive nature at bay by feeding off of the misery in here (not in a sadistic passion). I forgot where I was going with this…
Hmm… I don’t think the internet holds that kind of trust. You fall in love at the drop of a hat. You share your secrets. Then either you or she moves on. The intimacy you experience here is often an illusion. Some of it’s real, There’s many I care deeply about here. But I wonder, because you don’t have that point of reference in real life, maybe you’re not being the most discerning in cyberspace?
Most people lack the qualities I seek, (Other than physical appearance, that’s how we judge others in real life). On here we seek each other out my telling each other our secrets and show how nice we are and compassionate. If you go out in the real world you will find people who are horrible (about as bad as Sumer, Nyg, and “others”).
I know you feel safe here. It’s a way of escaping reality, escaping real intimacy by having your needs fulfilled in cyberspace. But it’s not healthy.
I just mentally compared this place to a dating site. Yep I’m bonkers…
I guess so, but still my self-destructive nature yearns for me to be alone (it enhances my writing prowess when I’m depressed). I choose relationships that are usually risky and if they aren’t I break it off. Nycolle was me obsessing over a girl in a stalker-like way. Lizzie, I broke off because I disliked something about her. Jasmine, I was bound by horny lust. Shannon, though, I messed that up myself.
Yeah, I understand, it’s problematic to rely so heavily on this place in such a way.
Digging my own grave in here. Although I lack the ability to speak to a girl, I can be smart, and I can be charming, but it only happens behind a message board I’m disorganized, and stutter in reality. And thus it keeps me quiet.
Rogue, it’s easy to get girls off this site. They’re vulnerable. Everyone here is vulnerable and crying out for a drop of compassion – its not ethical to exploit that vulnerability, ok? They don’t need a boyfriend, they need a friend.
Anyways just give me the same advice I heard 5 years ago. “Wait until your 18 and then things will [most likely] get better.” Then When I was 16 I heard “Wait until you’re 25, and things will get better.”
And somewhere in between I heard “Stop being so ignorant, you dumbass.” But that could have been my own mental soliloquoy…
I know you can be charming and smart, but lack confidence in real life. But the only way to get that confidence is to practice!
I;m not gonna say that. Things will get better when you grow a pair.
I hate when I have homework due the next day and I got like 10 things running through my mind. 40 pages of homework due tomorrow. I can’t find the answers thougn
haha
Do your homework rogue ok?
And thus I was looking for pity like a dumbass instead of advice. Thanks, I think advice should help me on the long run.
BTW this homework is shitty and I really would rather sleep it off, but yeah idk.
Smart boy. good luck with the homework.