who am i?

I used to be this happy little girl who only saw good in the world, nothing could keep me down. Now its like the smallest thing makes me want to pop a bottle of pills… maybe its because it all builds up. My mother has said so much about my weight, along with others, that everytime its mentioned i want to go purge. When it comes to people i dont even know anymore. I dont want to be alone but sometimes i dont want to be around others because i know that half the time people wont be focusing on me. I dont see point in my life. I love and believe in God but all i do for the most part is suffer. I laugh in public, but my laugh in private is cynaclye and i get my highs from thinking about killing myself. Sometimes I get so worked up i just want to scream, then i remember that even if i did, no one would really hear, and they judge if they did. In those times i picture me stabbing myself and bleeding, then i feel better and i do this hysterical laugh. How sick is that? How sick am I that Im happy when i think of myself bleeding to death, cutting, or just dying?!!! I know it says that suicide is a one way to hell, but sometimes i feel like im meant to die. The past month has been the worst. I feel like something big is coming, a begining or end. I feel like maybe its just for me, or maybe the worlds gonna end soon. I told this guy some personal things, after he told me some of his. It wasnt alot but to me it was, especially since id given up on romance. We were just freinds ( he had a gf) when he found out shed been cheating he broke up with her. Then he was being flirty again, and made me think we were finally gonna happen. I get on facebook and it says he in a relationship with some other chick, just 2 days after saying how he missed me and wanted to hang out. It was so sudden. I know that no one will love me like i want them to… Nothing will change, nothing is right. I dont even know what to do anymore. I looked up suicide blogs today and found this. The worst part about the guy is that he knows I struggle with trust, loneliness and that i dont want to love, the other chick is suicidal to. I dont know how that fits in…. I dont know alot of things anymore like who I am. I know that im not happy, that i dont like living. I dont remember asking to live, or asking for this life im living…