February 2018

This is a message for you. You will never read it, but I wrote it for you.

Three years ago, before I knew you, I was convinced that the only way of affection that I could find, that I deserved, was in the casual and fast sex with people I didn’t even know, some were good people, some were not. They gave all I needed, an instant, a moment, and that was all. After that I started to feel empty again, wondering if I would never feel something more than a temporal desire and lust for someone. “Will I never love someone? No, you can’t even […]

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be a bird, or a bear, or a leopard, or something like that. Not concerned with what everyone else thinks of you, because concepts like virtue, sin, and vice don’t exist. Being part of nature, not thinking you’re above it. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, just living completely in the present. We seem to be the only animal that doesn’t live in the present.

It would also be nice to be a robot. Just to be able to sit down and work on a problem for hours or even days, without […]

Does anyone know how graphic we can get here about our past? I want to help others by sharing my story, but I went into detail about everything, and it could trigger some. I password protected it but want to remove it for the hope that people can know they aren’t alone. It’s a very long and detailed post but my only hope is that it speaks to someone and let’s them know it’s possible, some crazy fucking way, to survive. And maybe share similar experiences.

I have so much on my soul, that I’m not even able to speak. All those words being shot around my head.
I want to say something. I want to call for help. I want to breakdown. I want to say I’m suicidel.
I want to say that I’m not sleeping because I don’t like living like this.

I want to scream to someone that I’m on the verge of jumping a tall building.

I want to go out with friends.

I want to ask that girl out.

I want to make money.
but my heart is […]

**** Trigger Warning ****

While I had been hurt before what this “story” will be about, 80% of my nightmares involve the events pertaining to what I’ll be explaining below. Probably because blood is blood. But if I didn’t have my mother, I more than likely wouldn’t be here writing this.

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My uncle molested me from about 18 to 20 years old.

The grooming began slowly, almost unnoticeably. I was an adult, yes, but what he did to me the night below rendered me a scared little child; his darkness seemed to burst forth like a ravenous creature, and with soulless eyes, he analyzed me.

We were […]

(other than depression, suicide)

What do you feel on a general basis, from day to day, year to year (and for those old enough, decade to decade)?

For me, it’s anger (at all of life’s injustices) and hopelessness (that shit ain’t gettin’ any better).

I’m not asking for specifics about you it’s but I just kinda wanted to know the  range of age on this website or if there’s a required age?

What if death was as easy as pressing on a button?

7 years since my last post, and now I’m back here. The pain is not a black spot at the back of my mind, it’s the whole canvas. I don’t need to squint to see its presence.

3 attempts along the way. Though I thought I was stronger for having to survive it. But it keeps coming back.

There’s always something new to be depressed about. Studies, unemployment, now it’s my job. It grows with me.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I just joined this site and don’t really know what to expect. I’ve hated living for as long as I can remember but I never have the guts to kill myself. I starve myself and am usually below 500 calories a day but I’m still overweight. I see nothing for my future and I have no dreams. I always think I’ll be dead by the time I have to worry about any of that stuff. I know everybody is depressed and wants to die and I’m nothing special. I don’t know if I want to get help or if I want someone to help me […]

What’s Our Purpose?

I always have questioned our existence and watched all kinds of videos on it. How we are here for a just mere moment before we die. Life feels like it will never end, but you and I both know it happens to everybody. We’re also scared of losing people that matter to us. Like  i constantly worry about my dad because he drives 40 min back and forth to work everyday. All it takes is a car crash, or a stroke. My friend’s uncle just passed away last Monday and it freaked me out because i was friends with him. Not close friends […]