I can’t do this anymore
March 2019
Don’t mind the shouting. This song is amazing if you can find your way past that. It’s not a hopeless song. It just seems that way the first time you hear it. I guess if you know you’re dying, it all makes sense. Everybody dies, but not everyone really knows it’s coming. It’s like a willful ignorance. Life feels like an eternal journey, even when you want to end it, until mortality smacks you in the face. Then things start falling into focus.
– NOT SUICIDE RELATED.Just reminiscing. –
My dad could build. He wasn’t a contractor, per se, he was in the telecommunications business. But somewhere along the way, someone taught him how to build. Stuff, things.
My town recently passed an ordinance banning plastic grocery bags, because apparently they are evil and destructive and naughty, and the universe must be saved from them. So, today, I bought three cookies and a small bag of potato chips and left the store holding one of those extra gonzo size heavy duty paper grocery sacks designated as “1/6 BBL (70#) with “Renewable, recyclable, sustainable, and contains minimum 40% post-consumer material” printed […]
I don’t care. I don’t care about school, I don’t care about my grades, studying, exams , homework, I don’t care about my future at all. I don’t care enough to kill myself or even self harm. I wake up and fall asleep constantly sad and careless about life. I can’t tell anyone how depressed I am, no matter who it is, I don’t feel comfortable at all telling anyone. To talk about it or start fixing it. I don’t know what to do but I guess I’ll see where not giving a shit takes me.
More drunk. |I think I have a problem. I mean, reality still exists. That’s a problem.
how do you turn off comments on a post? I can’t find the option. I asked before but I forgot. Regards..
I’ve been lurking on this blog for some time but felt compelled to post today for several reasons. I hope that writing it out will clear up some of my thoughts.
Two days ago, someone at school died. I hesitate to call it a suicide, as the information has not been published yet, but regardless of the fact it was a loss to our community. I was in class when I heard the announcement and can remember vaguely stumbling through the first two periods numb to the fact. I had not known him well, but we had interacted somewhat and I would play board games with […]
On the one hand, want not to exist. Want not to have the experience of being ‘me’. No more regret, no more despair, no more isolation, self-hatred, guilt or shame. For all the wrongness just to be over. No more. Just emptiness instead. And I should do it. I should not exist. What I am should not be.
On the other hand…fear? Fear of? What if it’s not the end? I fear judgement, punishment, torment and eternal regret.
It’s hard for me to believe that this world has a creator capable of sitting in moral judgement. The amount of pointless suffering that takes place in the animal […]
^Wasky’s song is great. Both are songs of suicide. Nothing too morbid though.
I know its dumb but no one ever talks about this. as for me i am a religious person somehow and i dont need to mention my religion, but the thing is allll religions viewed suicide as a sin , as someone disobeying and taking away life, and i do understand that so very much but ,, what if one wants to die so so so much . its very sad to see one fighting themselves like this, for me i hate myself more because i want to die then wish to die more, isnt that stupid and pathetic. what is this way of living? […]
it feels gloomy and everyone is sad. you cannot mention being sad anymore cuz everyone wants to die and it sucks way too much. why are we all so sad? and the thing is when someone i care about tells me they want to die i understand them way too much that i cant convince them not to. same with ana my lover and one of my great friends have it and they dont want to recover and i absolutely get them. but they cant stay like this. wheres the magic recipe to fix this broken world.
How bad is forced hospitalization for attempted suicide or relating matters? I’ve heard stories, but for the average Joe what is it like?
Which is weird, I guess. The fact that I am writing this means some part of me want to get better. A will to live I guess. I wish I don’t have it still.
It is one of those story where boy met girl, fall in love. Something happened. We got separated.
She had told me to live.
She knew I would have tried otherwise.
So she made me promised.
And in exchange, she promised things will get better.
They did.
I met another much like her, I wanted to be friends this time. But I even then, I can’t even do that much.
In the end, […]
If I know that I will never connect with another person, why should I continue? People aren’t shy about admitting that meaning comes from connections between humans. I’ve literally never experienced that type of connection. I feel like I don’t even fucking know what it means to connect to someone else. It’s been three decades. Nothing is going to change. I mean, scientists agree–adults’ brain chemistry is not elastic. It could be that every other human on earth understands what it means to relate to another–I would still be the outlier. I only continue because I know the effect it would have on the people […]
Anybody ever wake up after a really great dream, thinking maybe, maybe it wasn’t a dream? So you look outside, only to be disappointed that there aren’t hordes of zombies, or mushroom clouds on the horizon? Drats. Maybe tomorrow.
Just a (summary) thing.
Targeting down unwanted behavior, which might have been caused by extreme environments. Making a behavioral change, to resolve those conflicts.
Lately, 1) I have been fed up with making unsocial statements or just being indelicate in social environment. I also have been fed up with 2) my lack of sleep.
First step, targeting the problems and its reasons; I feel like it is an outcome of physical state. or is it?
Let’s look further:
1). Being socially indelicate – why? Because I talk fast. is it all ? No. let’s look further; I ACT quickly probably due to PTSD, and other PAST environments that I have been in, in […]
For, how many days can I hibernate before people forget my existence? But would it really be such a bad thing?
People don’t really get it. It’s easy for me to put a smile on my face and tell people I’m fine. It just feels like hell dragging myself out of bed to do it. I get stuck in a situation of ‘no, I haven’t left my bed in four days, haven’t showered or eaten a decent meal but yes I’m fine, can’t you see the smile on my face?’ Lying is easy. Recently I feel completely unmotivated, numb, bored, tired and solitary. In fact, pretending to be OK is the only real relief. At least then I can feel like I’m worth something, others can […]
Here you will find many things, but specifically what I’d like to consider my garden of thorns. My green thumb is lacking in some area’s but I’ve never been amiss to planting seeds of doubt all about.
Uh I’d like to welcome you to where the raped, abused, battered, and wretched breed. So, if it’s the stories you want. You’ve found the right place. So, join the tales of your lost cause narrator as I walk you all through the gates of this garden full of thorns. More or less all I’ve ever known.
What day of the year would be the best day to Catch the Bus?