I deserve to be hated, I don’t deserve love

That’s what I’ve learnt in life.  I don’t deserve to be loved, I must be the worst person ever, thus all I deserve is pain and misery. I’m tired and today was hell, so bare with me if I don’t make much sense. Ever since I remember I’ve wanted to be loved and accepted.. and ever since i remember, I’ve been denied. My mother has always hated me. She’d never say a nice thing about me, she was convinced I’d only exist to ruin her life, cause her misery and she still accuses me of having tried to kill her when i was 5… nobody remembers any of that, of course

When I was afraid as a child, she’s hit me, throw cold water in my face or simply lock me in my room, instead of trying to make me feel better. Why bother. I was a happy child nevertheless, I wanted to know everything, learn everything, I tried to enjoy life. Then the kids at school started bullying me. They reinforced what I’d been told all my life all over again; that I’m worthless, evil, bad, disgusting and a disgrace to humankind. And this time I started to believe them.  I started to believe I was deeply flawed and not deserving of love. I developed social phobia. The lively wee girl i once was disappeared. I created an imaginary world for me where I was safe, b my delusions couldn’t help reality either. My mother became less violent physically, but she’d still continue harassing me and wouldn’t ever say a nice word to me. I didn’t want to be at home, but I wanted to be at school even less.  The kids would spit on me, they’d throw rubbish and food at me, some days they’d just collectively act as if I didn’t exist – those were the best days.

After a few years I couldn’t take it anymore, I quit school. More precisely I let Dad do it for me, because my social phobia had gotten so bad I couldn’t even leave the house anymore.

Now I’m stuck with my parents, the people who started the whole misery, with mum’s new boyfriend ( yes, in one house, cause it s cheaper that way. who cares if my father has to ive in the same house as her boyfriend).  They’re basically using the same technique over and over again, and I hate myself for falling for it.

Today was one of those days. They’d talk to me about normal things, I’d answer. All of the sudden they’d start provoking me emotionally, they’d change the topic to something more private, they’d tell me how bad I am ungrateful, that I should be ashamed and that I’m trying to put words into their mouths. After about a half an hour of that I usually get so confused and agitated that I simply start crying , at which point they ll say ” How come you’re going insane now? We were just having a normal wee chat, you’re sick girl!”  This makes me feel manipulated, so I get angry and leave the room loudly. They use this reaction of mine for whatever purpose they might have. Today it was their justification to say ” You got three weeks then you’re out of here”. Previously they’d used it to call the cops, trying to get me into a mental institution for ” suicidal behaviour” cause I often cut myself to release the anger.

I can’t even count the cuts anymore. My will is broken, it has been for years. All I ever wanted is to be left alone, I’ve long given up on hoping for love or a change.

I know I don’t deserve anything, but I still can’t quite give up trying to protect myself. I avoided them as much as humanly possible. Now we’ll see if they’ll make their threat come true. Being homeless and sociophobic must be fun. If it was an empty threat, then the game will start all over again…and again…and again, as it has for 18 years.

I can’t kill myself, if I fail I’ll be locked up, and if I don’t I’ll surely go to hell. So I’ll just have to accept and let them continue destroying my will, my hope, my self one piece at a time.

Sorry for writing so much, thank you for reading.