heartlessviking

I had this dream last night, kind of sums it up for me;

My parents had dragged me to a place I’d never been, and they had found us a place to stay with some other families. The specific two things about that place were this;

One entrance/exit, the only way in or out is the front door

The structure was way overcrowded. At night with everyone asleep I would have to step over people to get anywhere

And I just wouldn’t do it. I told my parents I was ready to be done with them, for life. I can’t relax, let alone sleep when I can’t get outside […]

I think the “normal” thing would be to fear death. That’s what our society has coded as “scary” and to be avoided. You know what you get if you avoid death; old.

I’m 34. Relatively young, which means I have a long decline to look forward to. Sometimes I’m optimistic, maybe there will be less pain down the road. Maybe I’ll be dead before I know it. Other times… 60 years is a long time to have left on the clock. Men in my family, they’re either dead by 65 or live well past 90. I was caretaker to my granddad during his final years, and […]

It’s been… quite a week. A friend recommended me to work with them, my car broke down, and my parents decided to take a more active role in my life, and we got our tax return. I get that most of that is good news, but I just feel overwhelmed. I was supposed to be doing a self esteem journal, but that fell apart on Monday. I want so hard to satisfy others, but even now that’s a struggle.

Now I’m doing that thing, where I sit absolutely still and try to imagine I’m anywhere but here. It feels like my soul leaves my body, a […]

My parents don’t understand. Which would be fine and good, but I need their support else I’m going to stay in the situation I’m in.

My mom likes to compare me to my dad, who to my knowledge had two major breakdowns between the ages of 18 and 68. TWO! I’m 34 and I’ve had at least three. My dad never had to take medication in childhood, didn’t spend the first two decades of his life feeling without connection, without belonging. Further benefit; my dad was able to join the Air Force and come out with an honorable discharge. Which meant he had no college debt, […]

I really despise when not sick people try to cheer me up. “Things will get better”

no, well actually maybe, but you’re making it worse, because I’ve been waiting for it to get better a long time. I know one way it will eventually get better, I’ll die, of old age if nothing else. That will be better.

It’s just the same problem as before; I don’t trust the perspective of others, all the less if they think that I’m set up for a win. I’m not. Worst is when I’m already run down, tired and frustrated, and now I have to argue for my point of […]

I have been telling prospective employers that I am freelancing, but that’s not true. I am doing projects, but not getting paid for them. Maybe it is part of the problem, me lying about it. What if I told the truth?

“I’m taking the time off to spend with my family and work on my health”?

It indicates, accurately, that pleasing an employer is something I’m not overly invested in. It makes it sound less like I’m a workaholic.

Anyway, yesterday I was chatting with someone on masking, and it clicked;

I may be sentenced to life in this body, but anything beyond staying alive is purely optional. I […]

These past few days I’ve been letting myself remember more of who I was before this last one two punch of soul draining carnage. One thing that keeps coming up is what might have been. There were women who I might have married (or in one case stayed married to) and at the time I was courting them, it appeared to me that spending my life with them would be peace and honey forever. In the present I wonder if it really would have been.  I was young, and hopeful, and now I’m less young, and disillusioned.

I don’t think any of them could have saved […]

the sun came out today, literally and metaphorically, dig this;

I went for a two mile bike ride to one of my favorite parks.

played with my dogs

bought grass seed

and did session #1 with my second new therapist of the year.

He said I was “passionate”, and I’m just; “dude, more lined up to work today than has in the past six months, anyone would be keyed up.” I’ve been dead inside, for months, and today was like “okay, I’ll take just this much of a breath”

inside I hate it, can’t trust it. He asked what was keeping me going, as if I had some glimmer of hope, […]

Earlier today, I thought I had the rational path to my death. I had the thought that I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me. Problem; you can’t plan to fail. So I can’t throw myself at something unless I’m getting something out of it, and that sort of goal doesn’t exist.

I’m really working on it now though, not recovery, recovery is worthless. I’m going to either escape or end, and I don’t care which, only that it needs to come soon.

I don’t think more pain will work. It would dampen my rational […]

how are things, really? Who among us is bold enough to claim to know? Who is so well informed as to know?

Things look pretty bad from over here, for most of the species. All my life I’ve been told that thinking that makes me depressed, having an altered perception. Now what? When the delusion becomes reality, what for the insane to do?

Sanity is on strike, that’s how bad things are. All the kind, loving and generous people have been burnt up, or burnt out.

I feel like I know where I’m going, but I don’t know how to start. Who can help me start? Who can […]

We had two days of beautiful weather, the kind of weather perfect for a bike ride, or some gardening…. and I spent it doing chores.

My energy level has very much been attached to the temperature lately. If it’s between 50 F and 70 F I have a lot of energy. Any lower OR higher and I struggle to move. Too hot and I risk heat stroke, too cold and my joints act up on me. So when I used these last few days for chores, it was very much a vanishing commodity being invested the best I could.

I’m still mad at myself. I would have […]

really says it all, it’s always promises they can’t keep with other people. I try to be true to my word, and fail consistently when I depend on others.

My last good therapist got promoted, and I tried to be glad for her, she recommended me to a new lady, who did two sessions with me, then today I found out my insurance won’t cover her, so given that those two sessions were about getting to know me, I’ve been wasting my time. Now I have to wait until the 28th to get another initial session, which I plan to open with; “Are you sure you’re […]

maybe if I can get better at noticing the little victories

I revamped my resume for a job that has been chasing me. I’m super apathetic about it, but it’s nice to be chased. Then today I got an email that they want a second interview, awesome. My dad tossed me some cash, we got some nice stuff for V-day, and my wife got the information on a local banks recruiting. This means that for the first time in four years, my wife and I both have active potential job prospects.

I also got my meds ahead of schedule, which is one less thing to worry about… […]

Trying to get my feet back under me. Really, trying. Met the new therapist earlier in the week… didn’t even think about that saying all that, telling my story would open all of those wounds. Didn’t worry about the damage, I was floating, and now I’m not.

Every time I try to express confidence, it feels like I’m lying. Like everyone can see me lying, and they just love to see me dig my own hole.

I’m working on this stupid project, trying to wrap my head around some complex math, and that feels like a lie too.

My new therapist said “it sounds like you’ve been kicked […]

Maybe if I write about it, it won’t come for me tonight. I’ve been having a recurring nightmare, that I’m back in the high school I went to, and I’m as old as I am now. I turned 34 on Wednesday, and I’m starting to feel a little old. There is no way I could be mistaken for a teenager, and in the dream I am mocked by the teachers of the classes; “That’s what happens to con artists.”

I’m not convinced they are wrong. I think I was a con artist, thinking I could pull a career out of my skills and limitations. Now what […]

I had this dream, a long time ago, it feels like an age though chronologically it was a decade. Now, I could be happy with so much less, but even that meager provision remains a fantasy. This is why I lack faith, I am told of a God who can move mountains, but he thus far has not moved me to a place of safety and comfort.

The wife and I had a really good chat today about precisely what we want; simple, but it remains out of reach.

It leaves my heart heavy, that I wonder if my parents death is what I have waited on […]

Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]

I don’t want to say “I realized”, because that implies that I’m right about it. I don’t know that I am, so I say “I suspect”, and that seems too little. The idea came to me out of the blue, this morning at about 4 AM. First that I’ve gotten really good at talking my subconscious mind into dealing with things that I don’t want to. Take enough pills to sleep, subconscious kicks in and goes to work. It’s a very delicate balance, because if I tick it off I get nightmares, or in the case of this morning waking up into a panic.

The other […]

My body is getting better at saying no, and I’m getting worse at talking it out of it. Yesterday at work I had a two hour long anxiety episode. It was just rolling panic attacks, and I masked my way through it, I thought I was going to get away with it and bounce back….

but things got worse when I got home. I was too tired to do anything, and my struggle for self care made it so I couldn’t calm down and sleep. Finally at almost midnight I wrote my resignation, turned off my alarm, and decided that there wasn’t any way to keep […]

Unavoidably, being responsible for stuff comes back, and a near enthusiastic engagement with my experiences.

I’m so over it though. Maybe that means doing these things “ironically”, all the while in the back of my mind, my bags are packed, fuck this place, fuck these people, and none of this will ever really matter.

My only true love is the void, dancing with it fascinates me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like it is worth going on.

Today someone said to me “fuck death” and I thought about the game fuck marry kill, and I’d marry death, there are way sexier things out there, but […]