death bunny

this is something that bothers me lately, since i’ve got out of a four-year relationship.
i don’t know how to proceed in life. nothing excites me, and i can’t find interest in anything. i don’t have any motivation to do anything, and i don’t really have any hopes or dreams.
when i was in this relationship i had someone else to care for, but when it’s me and myself – i couldn’t care less.
i feel really bad about everything, and going out, socializing, makes me feel worse.

seriously, the only reason i’m still here is because of my son. i don’t want him to have […]

..and things haven’t got better.
actually, i find it hard to label anything anymore.. the line between “good” and “bad” is blurred. that might be a good thing.. then again, i don’t know.
this is a strange time for me. the smell of autumn makes me want to relive a dark time in my life, but a very meaningful one, that time was a turnpoint in my life, and i guess that’s what i’m looking for. change.
well.. i broke up with my gf, i started looking for a place of my own, and i am no longer seeking to get “better” – meaning a […]

i know i can.

here are the lyrics:

Find myself singing the same songs everyday
Ones that make me feel good
When things behind the smiles ain’t okay

Around and over and in-between the seas
I need to be on top of a mountain
Where I can see everything
Cause this paranoia’s getting old

Now as I open my eyes to start another day
I’m in a pile of puke
Empty bag of excuses
My love for friends and family
You know I need them

And under a sun that’s seen it all before
My feet are so cold
And I can’t believe that I have to bang my
Head […]

this post can come off as boring, but some of you could find this interesting.

yesterday, like everyday in the past couple of months, i got high. it’s usually what’s letting me sleep these days. somehow i got thinking about bees. why do they sting? the short answer is because they sense danger. well, danger can mean death, but it can also mean surviving – while stinging will definitely kill them. so why do they sting? thank humanity for google. apparently, it’s an instinct. the death, quite gruesome too – “When a honey bee stings a person, it cannot pull the barbed stinger back out. It […]

so yeah.. i started going to these DBT meetings. actually, i’ve only been to one meeting, next one is next week. i was skeptic, but to my surprise i found it somewhat comforting.. knowing there are people who think similar things. in similar matters. it’s a great relief, because until then i thought i was the only one who had these cognitive patterns.
anyone here knows what i’m talking about?/go to DBT meetings?

deathbunny is drunk. had two shots of absinthe. deathbunny is depressed, frustrated, running out of hope fuel and is suicidal.

i need to get away, yet i can’t. i’m stuck in this hellish reality. every day is torture for me. i hate it. i fucking hate this. i hate the everyday social interaction, i just want to be left alone, slowly decaying with a smile smeared on my face.

where did i go wrong? how did i come to this? i’m so sick of this. make it stop… please… i’m in pain. i’m bleeding all over the place but nobody sees the blood. it is not red. […]

i hope you’re doing well.

we haven’t talked for just two days and i’m a mess. i try not to think of you but when i do my heart fill up with black stuff. you haunt me.
i wonder where you are. i hope you are not in the hospital. if i learned something from our three year relationship is that nothing can be expected.
but why aren’t you contacting me? is it because you want to give me some time alone, or you just don’t care anymore? i miss you. and i know you miss me too. but i know that if i’ll contact you […]

i’m confused..

i took 4.5 milligrams of xanax yesterday at two in the afternoon, then woke up at midnight to make a chocolate sandwich, apparently (there’s evidence to that..), then went back to sleep i guess pretty quick until eight in the morning. no one even called to check my well being. i bet if i had took more pills and died no one would even notice until my body had started to stink. fuckers..
well good morning everybody.

just took nine xanax pills. each pill is half a milligram = 4.5 milligrams. this is not a suicidal attempt, obviously. i just needed something that’ll take me away for a while. girlfriend problems are bitching. soon i should have a blackout and won’t remember any this, so that’s why i’m writing this to you, as well as for myself.

update: i just woke up because my girlfriend called me. i’ve slept for seven hours with my shoes on, apparently. i’m still confused. the fuck she want with me? anything i do seems like a mistake. i don’t know if she’s angry, disappointed, or generally hate […]

hey.. i don’t feel very well.. i can’t call anybody at this hour.. i desperately need to self-harm..

i went to my parents’ house a few hours ago to watch a movie with my brother (who still lives there). then my mom came in and said they are going to sell the house soon and that we should go over our stuff and decide what we want to keep. it was talked about several times, but i didn’t expect it to happen that soon. it came as a surprise for both me and my brother.

after we finished watching the movie, it was three in the morning […]

hey sp, haven’t been here in a long while, mainly because i moved to a new flat with no internet, and only a couple days ago i managed to connect. anyway, things have been really bad for me the past four months, and continues to be. i got girlfriend problems, daddy issues, myself being a dad issues.. much pressure. as of april i moved alone because i needed a calm place to come back to after each day’s chaos. and i’m glad i moved. it’s a real help. but some other problems seem to float.

i don’t leave my flat much. i feel like i’m spiraling […]