I was wrong. My seven year anniversary was yesterday. Oh well. I have been having a hard time not crying lately. I don’t know what it is I just feel like crying. I thought for a moment today “why am I so hard on myself. Can’t I give myself some credit” My immediate thought was no, because I am genuinely the worst. I am worthless. I don’t put in the proper effort. I just want things handed to me. I’m no good. No matter how I look at it I don’t deserve to […]
I’ve been posting more recently. It’s because I’m nostalgic. Tomorrow marks 7 years I’ve been posting on this site. Seven long years of coming here and dumping out the contents of my head. Do you ever start think back to when times weren’t so bad. Or at least times that don’t seem that bad from your current view point. Lately the crushing feeling of my current situation has made me nostalgic for those time. My tastes are also reverting back. I crave Sprite more and more because it reminds me of when I was a kid. […]
Everywhere I run my hands across, I find little bumps and blemishes. A lot of it’s just acne. On my back, my arms, my legs, my stomach, it’s everywhere. I have a lot on my mind. I want to learn how to speak it to people. My mom would be a good start. I have feelings of being worthless and out of place, but I can’t communicate it. It is hard. I don’t know. My anti depressants were increased. I hope they work. I flipped a coin today asking if I should kill myself. […]
I’ve been coasting for the past few weeks. Just going with the motions. Something is going to catch up to me. My uncle told me the job market is bad and I should stay in school. Hell I heard from some people here that the job market is bad. When is it good? You always here that the economy is bad and the job market is bad. I still dread the idea of staying here. I’ve been coasting, but something is going to catch up. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. But […]
The medication seems to be working. I think. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I still feel worthless and incapable of anything. But I’m still going through the motions. Doing the work. Still don’t know if I’ll quit school or not. Right at this moment I have this nauseous feeling. Like something is going to happen. Something bad. Like it’s creeping up on me and about to strangle me. I don’t know.
This past week has felt like an eternity. Prep for presentations and projects that I know I’m no good at. My partners are the ones that put in most of the work. I just uselessly tag along. Always depending on someone and never the one who is depended on. I’ve also been real weepy lately. Crying over how useless I am. No matter what I do I’ll never learn and better myself. It’s almost like I’m incapable of growing. That’s why I can’t cut it in this Master’s program or in the workforce. My decision […]
I have all these thoughts that come to me day after day, but when I get here to write them down, they seem to slip away. I still don’t know if I’m going to quit my Masters or stick with it. I’ve been looking up jobs in my spare time. I forgot why I choose to continue my education and run away from joining the workforce. Then I see the job postings and I remember again. It seems like I’d be worthless as a masters student or as a regular engineer. I can’t do anything. I’m totally worthless. […]
The main reason why I write here anymore is because I just want to put my thoughts down. Maybe it is disrespectful to the other people here who have problems greater than mine. I look back on it and realized I had a real nice life. A lot of it I felt suicidal, but thinking about it now I can’t find the reasons why. I know other people on here have legit reasons for their desire to die. Legit suffering. Maybe looking back on it I never had that. It was always good and I was too stupid […]
I think I’m going to quit. Only one semester in and I’m already thinking about quitting. I always joked that I wouldn’t last a semester. I guess I know myself best. I went to grad school as a way to run away from becoming an adult. I thought it would be like undergrad and I would continue just goofing off like I did there. I was scared of going into the workforce because I thought I couldn’t make it. That I would fail and become unemployable. So I ran away. Now I’m running away from this. […]
I’m still here. I don’t know why, but I’m still here. I often joked to myself that I wouldn’t last a month in graduate school. So far, I’m still here. Still have plenty of time to fail. Today I decided to do something stupid and not do any coursework today. No reading, no prepping for the essay due next Sunday, no nothing. Just do nothing. To be honest, there have been many days lately where I hardly did anything, so this isn’t much of a stretch. Doing nothing has me stressed, ironically. I’m always thinking […]
I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing […]
I think my issue is that I always feel like since I have a lot in my head, that I need to pour it all out here when I post. I think I just need to write the short thoughts I have for some posts. Lately I found that I’m trying to find meaning in every little thing so that I may have an answer on how it will go. Every small action, down to a coin flip, I try to find an answer in to my problems. I don’t think that’s how it works. Even though I did ask […]
I keep on trying to write down my thoughts. I think that by writing them down and trying to piece them out, I’ll feel better. I know this isn’t the case. It’s almost time for me to go to school again. Every day closer just makes me more anxious. Will I be able to pass my graduate courses? Will I be useful in the lab I’m supposed to work at? Will the internship work out? If this and if that. On and on and on. It drives me nuts. The anxiety is like a […]
It’s my birthday Sunday. I feel nothing about it. Maybe just shame that I’m getting to be this old but still haven’t managed to really grow up. Haven’t managed to accomplish anything. Yesterday I had a meeting with the fellowship organizers about the internship they are offering this summer. I’m scared as fuck about this internship. I don’t think I could do it. That I would just be a waste of an employee. That I wouldn’t be able to complete a project. Then I think about all the times I ran away from responsibility. Senior […]
I’ve tried on and off again for the past few weeks or so to write a post. Every time I get to the new post screen, I end up exiting and just turning my laptop off. I have done fucking nothing this entire leave of absence and just waiting to get back to Worcester. I have one month left. This entire time I’ve been ping ponging between worrying about flunking out of my master’s program, getting kicked out of the lab I’m apart of, or being fired from an upcoming internship. If it’s not worrying about A it’s B, if […]
I worry about a lot of things. Too many things. Since I’ve taken this leave of absence, I’ve done absolutely nothing. No job, no school work, no nothing. So I essentially lay about being useless. I’ve been going to therapy weekly, but that’s about it. I’m basically a bum living in my parent’s house. I could be volunteering or something, but I just don’t want to. Instead I want to lay around worrying about getting back to school. About being any good at school. At being any good at being a lab assistant. I’m […]
So I decided that I would take a leave of absence from school. Just a semester. Was in the hospital for too long and missed too much. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I think I was also just so overwhelmed by everything at that school that I needed a speedy exit. Some excuse to leave and hide. That it was too hard and I was going to fail and so I needed to bail before that could happen. I don’t know. But anyways I took the leave of absence. All my classes were dropped […]
I got out of the hospital yesterday. I was there for almost 2 weeks at that point. Most of it spent in the ICU. It was awful. Being hooked up to vital machines and IVs. Being told to eat shitty protein drinks and foods. Being woken up at night to take medication. I hated it it. 2 weeks of my life spent chained to a bed not being able to work. It made me anxious that I’m behind. I’m still anxious. I was already feeling bad about all this, but now I’m teetering back […]
I’ve been in the ICU since Monday. The rash on my body has slowed, but I’m starting to bleed from my mouth and penis constantly. My lips scab over and fall off pretty much every day. I’m starting to have open wounds on my neck and scrotum. I feel so claustrophobic being hooked up to IVs and machines. I haven’t taken a shower and I smell like shit. I hate this. I can’t keep up with school and am already behind. I barely understand the assignments.
My mom brought up maybe taking a year off school […]
I got a rash all over my body. My lips are swollen and they said I have lesions in my throat. My gums are sensitive and my eyes are red. Even when I’m not in a manic state, my BP is ruining my life. I feel nothing but pain all over. Horrible throbbing itching. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I hate this so much. It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this, but it ruined my life anyways.