lonewolf23

I feel a void in myself. I feel so numb lately. I’m missing something from my life. Life feels so empty. There’s no excitement in it for me anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just feel lost. I’m not happy or sad. I just feel emotionless and I think that’s worse. Although from a former perspective I should feel sad but I can’t even shed a tear some days because even that’s too much work. Just one tear today and it was from looking at a beautiful picture someone had taken and posted online. Maybe it was a reminder of what […]

I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop […]

I hate it because people want to celebrate a day for someone as trashy as me. They shouldn’t bother to do anything for me. I really don’t understand why they even celebrate it and insist I come over for dinner. I haven’t been over to theirs because I always forget or I’m always too broke to even buy them a gift. Oftentimes I am too busy at work to go to their celebrations. Honestly I always feel awkward when people start calling me and texting me to wish me a happy birthday. I’m glad that they remember but this is exactly the reason why it […]

I’m an alcoholic. I hate it so much because I feel like have no control over my feelings and how I react to certain things. I only drink because I’m so anxious all the time. I wish I could just relax but I take everything so negatively. People like to tease me at work and so I use alcohol as a way to relax and laugh it off but its starting to get pricey as well as unhealthy. I haven’t gone a day without drinking in months now…maybe a couple years. Its every day. And my tolerance keeps getting greater and greater. I know what […]

Yeah there might be a handful of racists out there but I don’t give a shit. I may be a Chicano but I wont give into fear. I don’t want to think that every white and black dude is out to get me simply because they’re a different color than me. The racist peeps are only a minority found in every race. But I refuse to build a defensive mechanism of “being on the lookout” all the damn time around people who look different than me. I know reality doesn’t care about my feelings. But the only way I know how to stay sane is […]

I cut people off when they start getting close to me because I’m afraid of how great our companionship can be. I feel like I’m afraid of happiness because I know it doesn’t last very long. I refused to talk to anyone who was “gaining on me” today for this reason. I feel regretful for letting them in this much but I’m also glad at the same time. Does this make me a sociopath? Am I too fucked up to ever give friendship a chance ever again?

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately but I like it. I am such a nervous wreck usually but lately I’ve been able to keep my cool. I recently stopped drinking. Its been 4 days so far. I know it’s not long but its a step in the right direction. I was drinking every day for 4 years and some of this year. The odd thing about this is that I didn’t go through withdrawal after going cold turkey. I don’t even care what people think of me anymore….at least not a ridiculous amount. I still treat people kindly and with respect but now […]

I no longer need alcohol. I just use Zoloft. Call me weak all you want. In that case I’ll just call people who need wheel chairs weaklings too. How bout people who need contact lenses, crutches, braces, etc. By this comparison there ain’t much of a difference. So why does anti-anxiety drugs get so much hate? Why does medical marijuana get so much hate? Its because of people who misuse them but quit throwing everyone under the bus because we’re not all the same. Everyone liked it when I was anxious and shy because they could f*** with me so when I told people I […]

Yeah I was drunk but I still did my job better than all of my coworkers despite being under the influence of alcohol. The truth is they’re just jealous that I’m a drunken master. My skills actually improve when I’m drunk so I guess you can say I’m a high functioning alcoholic. Of course I’m using a cheat code. It just sucks how xanax and other prescription drugs are considered the “right” way to fight social anxiety and alcohol is demonized. I made it a point to not hold back once I got back to work all drunk. The looks on their faces were worth […]

I’m sicken tired of search results on YouTube being so biased. Everytime I look up physical abuse, I see results pop up mostly only involving women. Like wtf, women aren’t the only ones affected by this! How about we give the children some attention for once! It affects the children way more in my opinion. The mother had more power to end it than the child and YouTube wants to be biased?! As if the wife or girlfriend is the only one affected by the piece of shit husband or boyfriend! I take it as an insult on my pain. It’s as if YouTube is […]

I recently entered adulthood…I mean it wasn’t that recent but I’m 22yrs old now so I’m still kinda new. It seems the older I get, the more innocence I lose. I start learning more and more horrible truths about this world and it’s inhabitants. I can sense the negativity every waking second nowadays. I ain’t innocent from doing some horrible things myself but at least I make a conscious effort to sway away from negativity. I treat people with kindness and I really try my best to not judge people so harshly. And yes work can suck but I actually try to make the best […]

I haven’t felt this way in a while. It happens very rarely with me even when I should feel this way but i think I’ll let it have it’s expression for a change. I rarely get angry. I’m always really calm and easygoing but after cowering in my room for 5 days straight and not doing anything but sitting on my bed all day and napping here and there with a couple sides of deep thought…..I’ve had enough of just simply existing. I have 2 job interviews tomorrow so I guess that’s something to look forward to. I suppose it’s healthy to release some pent […]

Man it sucks living with 4 siblings who don’t like the music you listen to. I listen to Disturbed, Linkin Park, Korn, Drowning Pool, Pantera, Static-X, etc. But they listen to rap and hip-hop so whenever we hang out that’s all they listen to because the majority gets to pick the whats playing like 95% of the time. I need to find some friends I can relate to on the music side of things. It sucks when they’re having these rap conversations and I’m just sitting there sippin on my brew silently while they conversate about a bunch of rap stuff they like. Everyone tells […]

My dad is such an angry bastard sometimes. It drains the fuck out of everyone around him. He’s scary when he’s angry. And all this grunting and cussing over 1 dirty dish that my dumbass brother didn’t clean. He starts acting like an animal sometimes when he gets like this. He’ll punch holes in the wall, scream, smash random things, slam doors, and do everything else the Incredible Hulk does when he’s angry. What’s even more pathetic is that I’m a broke 22 year old college dropout still living with the likes of him. It’s scary because he’s done worse in the past. He’s kinda […]

I just fought off my urge to watch porn and I feel a little better. I can feel less ashamed of who I am today and hopefully tomorrow. I don’t know if others feel the same way as I do about porn but personally I don’t give a fuck anymore. I want to rid myself of this habit. I’m doing this for me despite what others may think of it. I KNOW that this stuff is fucking my mind up. The longest I ever ‘detoxed’ from porn was 2 weeks and I remember how much that helped my self-esteem. I remember feeling very comfortable in […]

I recently told my crush that I thought she had beautiful eyes. I introduced myself first of course but up until this point I hadn’t ever talked to her in the past. I was reading articles online about how NOT to talk to your crush and it turns out that I made a mistake by telling her this according to the masters of dating. Now I was a little drunk when I told her but it was by no means a mistake. I meant to get drunk in order to loosen up in order to tell her that I thought she was beautiful, it was […]

I find it bizarre how you’re considered weak for using alcohol as a means of fighting social anxiety and yet taking Xanax is encouraged. I think there’s something else at work here when you’re allowed to buy alcohol without a prescription but you can’t get Xanax without one. I know I have social-anxiety so why do i have to pay an extra amount of money in order to have some guy/lady verify that I do in fact have social anxiety before I can get that prescription? Something tells me that it has to do with milking patients wallets.

Oh and back to what’s socially frowned upon…..

I […]

I know its obvious that if i only focus on the negatives of this world then I will feel depressed all the time but as of lately it seems like that’s all that I’m running into. I understand some of you don’t see it as simple as light and darkness but that’s how i like to visualize it. Pretty much I keep noticing and feeling all the darkness or negativity if you will and it feels like thats all that exists in this world at times like today where everyone i ran into seemed angry, or violent. It could just be my shitty luck but […]