shatterediris

I now kind of know what it’s like to be haunted by an event. I can’t stop mentally reliving the moment that my cat died. Every time I lay down, or just have a moment without much outside distraction I find myself remembering what it felt like when she died, and what her dead body felt like in my arms. at least this hasn’t gotten into my dreams yet, or if it has I haven’t remembered them I hope that doesn’t happen. Not that I’ve been able to sleep very well, with the constant memories of this event and the not having a sheet and […]

Loss sucks. probably going to slip back into self harm.

I hate this.

I suck at my new job…. First actual day and it went horribly, I wish I was dead…. I have no value I can’t do this, I will fail I know I will fail…. at least I don’t have to go back for awhile, at least it is part time…. This time I’ll fail because I am a failure that nobody wants, not because I have a complete breakdown and tear up my face and have to stop showing up. -_- I’ll probably be able to avoid that just doing 2-3 days per week, which is good.

Still after just 6 hours I feel like dying, […]

I can’t sleep when I want to, and am now up for far longer than I want to be…. I hate this….

I kind of want to talk about more, but I also don’t…. I don’t know why I want to post but I do, even if I don’t have much to post about. Maybe it’ll help me feel less lonely, I am having less interaction with the people I know now as of late…. Maybe it’s due to the holiday things that happened? I’m uncertain.

There’s also something bothering me, and I did just remember it, but wanted to complete my thought before writing it down, […]

And now I’m back into that stupid feeling of needing more scars. I know it makes no sense, and I know I’m doing fairly well with not cutting even if my last cut just now healed but it’s better than before, but worse than after that but before now…. I’m just starting to feel like I don’t have enough scars, and don’t have severe enough looking scars, I know that’s probably not true but I still feel that way. I hate this, I’m probably going to fall back in eventually. I’ve also been sleeping a lot lately, haven’t slept today and I’m tired but for […]

Things are going okay, yet I’m still not okay…. Sleeping 12 hours per day now, not really doing much, barely eating…. I should find a life. I’ve done some hobby things but those are of course mediocre at best.

welp, cut again…. I would argue that it doesn’t count because it’s not deep but I’m bleeding…. these flimsy knives are surprisingly not good at cutting me at least…. I hate myself for this 🙁 it itches so much, so much more than usual I hope I don’t get something horrible they werenn’t new blades and have been used for things -_-

I hate life. All I do is wait to die, which I hope happens soon…. I at least got a hobby but me being me it’s not fun nor enjoyable, so I scream at myself constantly about failure related to it…. That’s about as much as I can ever enjoy anything. It has led to me getting so many more sharp things though, and I haven’t cut yet, so I guess that’s good…. I wish I didn’t suck though.

I am not okay, I spend way too much time crying…. I hate this.

I wanted to be happy, so I wasted money…. The thing was lost before I could even enjoy the thing…. It was a consumable thing, but it fell and that’s $10 gone, with no value to be gained…. I now feel worse than I was feeling earlier today, which wouldn’t even let me sleep, this could have helped instead it hurt. I cut again because of it, I can’t have sharp things, but I need these hobby knives because they are another thing that I’ve tried to help me feel better…. and I guess they did help me just not in the intended way. It’s […]

I have been sleeping far too much and eating not nearly enough. I have just sort of been existing, that’s about all. Eating maybe one small meal per day, with enough time before the last one that I can’t feel hungry. I can’t really see a point in this. Why do I even continue to live? My life will be wasted. I worry about my future but why? Just so I can tolerate 50 or so more years of this? I really should start doing drugs, but I know I don’t have the money for that…. I would miss them, and then I’d just end […]

I keep spending more money on things that I can’t eat, I keep telling myself I’m going to use them, but it’s now getting overwhelming the number of things I have to do due to this…. Argh I used to enjoy this hobby and I thought just buying lots and having goals to move towards would make this easier but I don’t even want to start because I’m shit, and I know I’m going to continue to be shit unless I start actually doing things but I am paralyzed by being shit…. I hate that, but I should just start daily I enjoy the thing, […]

I haven’t even really done anything that I enjoy for a very long time. I don’t really want to do them, and when I do it’s just not enjoyable at all. I hate this, yesterday I fucked up a thing super bad and want to die even more now, I hate this. My friend is going to be mad at me in August, or I’m going to lie to him and feel horrible about it but he won’t be mad, I guess I should go with the second option. I keep buying things that I’m never going to have the energy to actually ever use. […]

Is cutting actually that bad? I keep asking myself that now, I’m probably just trying to justify going back to it. But is it really that horrible of a thing that I’ve done? It allowed me to keep pushing through things, and I’m sure I would have had less of a mental breakdown if I had just allowed myself to cut when I needed to. I don’t know. Like I already have the scars that are ruining my life, so is there really a downside for me anymore? Do I really have anything left to lose?

and I fail again…. I’m used to it though, I am a failure…. I’ve even have a scar that reminds me of it everyday, ‘failure’ I know I am a failure and I can’t stop…. Whatever, no food for me today, I’ve decided that now…. It doesn’t matter that I’m really hungry since I didn’t really eat yesterday I don’t deserve any today, I fucked up what I was going to eat and made it inedible so I clearly wasn’t very hungry. I’m going to drug myself up and try to sleep now, hopefully I can sleep for a full day so I can finally […]

I hate myself, and I seem to hate other people more and more now…. I was very pissy with my father yesterday (well two days ago now but since I slept like 20 hours after that it feels like yesterday still) -_-

I don’t really have much else to say, I want to say more but I can’t think of things…. Things are bothering me but I can’t put them in words, which bothers me. I hate me.

Welp, I’m spending a lot of money now…. More than I should, I don’t even make money either -_-

I should just curl up and die, I don’t really have anybody to even spend time with anymore….

I just kind of sit alone at home all day, and sometimes buy things and try to convince myself that they may give me a thing to do with other people one day. I know that’s not true. And I did cut again last month, I think I’ve already mentioned that here though -_- I have been tempted to cut again I know it would help but I also know […]

They are growing more and more distant.

I’m as alone as I used to be, but I feel more alone now. Having had close friends has made it hard for me to be alone now.

I also drove my family away from me with a large freak out. I skipped a thing with them recently, I don’t want to be around them.

I should kill myself. I deserve it, people would be happier. I just worry that my cat won’t be okay.

I was so very close to being happy.

I’ve been thinking about this more than usual as of late…. I have a fairly large (several years) gap in my memory where I don’t remember anything from that time. I remember a lot on both sides of the gap, so I know it doesn’t just come down to being too long ago to remember, also the gap always existed, I remembering being bothered by it suddenly. I remember going to school one day, and I mostly just knew who my teacher was, I did not recall any of the people who were apparently my friends, and since that time I “remembered” other things in […]