I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can […]
No matter how quickly or how slowly I get to know someone… I always feel afraid of actually having any sort of relationship. I’m very much an open book, sometimes too much so, but when I meet someone I like I can’t help but open up to them and tell them how I feel. Like me back or not, it still leaves me vulnerable to being hurt by them, one way or another.
I always feel like something is going to happen, either that they’ll realize I’m a shitty person and distance themselves from me, or I’ll accidentally say or do something stupid and they’ll hate […]
They always hurt, no matter what. Any positive emotions always seem to lead to negative emotions of equal or greater power. So I want to get rid of them. I’ll take a damn lobotomy if I have to. I just want to be rid of them for good. They cause nothing but problems and pain.
But I feel like I keep finding myself drinking more and more as time passes. And that’d be fine if there wasn’t this ever increasing desire to just keep drinking. I mean I had a few drinks about a week ago and as the week’s gone on I feel like all this jerking me around my life does has me just aching for it. Something’s gotta give here… either the bullshit life throws at me, or perhaps I’m subliminally asking for it or something, I don’t know, or my will to not become like the rest of my family members is going to break. And […]
I keep going, day after day, doing the same old bullshit while I wait to be crammed into a dorm with three other people for the next two years who will come and go and be replaced and whatnot. All so I can get a career in forestry to make me money while I go try to get a proper biology degree. For what? The only reason I do this is literally with the hope that humans will launch me off the planet to go die in space and maybe see some cool shit before I die. I have no hopes nor prospects for love, […]
A good song that is. It’s been a while since last I was here. A shit load has happened… I tried to resolve my issues, I’ve tried to resolve that I have to push through life. I refuse to believe this is a fucking disease. The only disease on this planet that doesn’t rot your flesh is humanity itself if I can cut past the idea that I’m talking about you, the reader.
I know I can’t kill myself… not myself anyhow. I’m too much of a coward and all of my attempts have just been those of a coward. So I can’t do that.
Right now […]
Well after calling and waiting for a call back and calling and waiting for a call back and so on and so forth since fucking December, I tried calling the admissions office again today and still nobody picked up. Albeit I called around lunch but when else am I supposed to call? I rarely have any fucking time. Of course I tell my father about this and all he has to say is “I don’t think they want to talk to you anymore. You kinda let that ship sail.” when they haven’t TALKED to me ONCE since I got the application, and I haven’t heard […]
Need I say more? It seems like this is the day for rubbing one’s relationship in everyone’s face and acting like you could be happy for them while they do.
Honestly though, it used to depress me more but now it just pisses me off. At least I don’t have to watch stupid fucking commercials about it all season since I don’t have a TV.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy. But it seems further out of my reach with every day I exist. I suppose everyone wants to be happy really…
It just seems like everything is so far out of my reach. This book I’ve been reading, prescribed by a friend that said it would help me, hasn’t been helping me at all to accept societies heinous actions.
My dreams get worse and worse by the day… it just seems like life is trying to break me again. Like its trying its hardest to drive me mad.
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a […]
For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame […]
Its the same old, same old really. I’m a pissed off misanthrope lacking more than a shy percentage of a will to live. I hate sounding like a melodramatic prick but honestly I can’t very well voice my mind without at least coming off to a few people that way. I try to stay honest, I try to stay logical and not let my inflated ego obstruct me…
But honestly… I’m just, ya know, tired. I’m sick of fighting only to look forward and see bigger and bigger battles. Its demoralizing. I’m 17, graduated highschool early, on to tech school to hopefully get a job with […]