Goddamnit, I’d hate for this to just be some bum other journal for me. But- At break point, I know that need.
Tonight I make the daring leap, I do what I hate myself for, what they will never forgive truly. For they cannot love, They cannot care for anything other than their purchase ‘pon me.
They will hate and weep, plead and probe into me, but my adamantine message cannot falter. Tonight will be difficult, I fear it’s malfruition. I pray to honest God for strength, for forgiveness for the resolve of self I have lacked so long, and for grace abounding […]
What the hell lifelong friend.?! 2 days ago I replied to my friend R. and she tells me short and cryptic sentences. It sounds like a goodbye. You’d think, someone who planned on dying, actually had some great last words to offer. But… that wasn’t the case.
So I’ve tried to make her tell somebody about the bottle of pills she swallowed, her roommate at best. It took me a while and I convinced her to do so – Radio silence. There was nothing I could do, so I just waited. Got a “My roommate took me to the hospital”, that’s it. I really wonder, if […]
The playlists abounded, the only things left besides the journals upon journals, notepads chock-full
https://creator.nightcafe.studio/creation/lgZAU77M5JbFZvkkBCuY
It is human to, at this point, put forth a greeting to the community i have just joined here. Hello. I want to die. I shall start with a recent tale of achievement in my life.
-I am very happy that recently, I secured my avenue of prospective death in a manner of which I shall not discuss, but which brings me great solace to find was appropriately covert and fruitful. I feel peace knowing I can hold the hand of death this way, and have been more productive for having this comfort.
This is all I shall share for now.
Wishing […]
The feeling that you get while on a rollercoaster, how your organs are moving inside your body it gives you a “light” feeling. This is the feeling that has been plaguing me for weeks. I fall asleep for the sole purpose to not be awake but then when night comes I cannot sleep again. My days quickly turn to weeks but my hours drag long.
My prostate pain is returning, along with symptoms of fibromyalgia. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go through another flare up, the last one lasted 4 months, I don’t care about anything besides sleeping and the prostate pain everything else is minor and I can live with.
im a rather fucked up human. my mind is terminally ill; BPD and some other stuff. everyday is more confusing. i dont even know why the only thing i want in life is to die. but that is the only thing i want. im functioning. or rather my shell is, meanwhile my emotions rule us with no control on my end to the point of being different personalities in moods. everything is pointless, nobody can change our mind on that. i understand some things on a incredible level, but cant force thoughts to work through everyday issues. the battles ive fought with myself and those […]
I’ve been suffering from IBS, severe prostate pain, and insomnia from pain off and off for over a year and the pain is starting to come back. I believe these problems are from eating too much sugar and drinking too much booze over the years, probably more from eating poorly. I also have health anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for my parents to believe me but part of the reason I have health anxiety disorder is because I’ve had undiagnosed pain in my youth from this and I’ve only recently put together what it is. I don’t want to kill myself but if my severe […]
This is just my quick summary rant of my wanting to die, yes I know what I’ve written is long and messy but believe me I have left out a lot of details, this really is a summary and I just need to let it out, any comments even if mean are appreciated, I can’t let anyone know what I’m planning so being able to be open like this makes me feel just a tiny bit better
Was diagnosed with depression in middle school, my mother is agoraphobia so since middle school I’ve had to shop for her, take care of her and the house, I […]
I think passively almost daily now…I wish i was dead. There seems to be no purpose for the chronic pain, the high stress of a thankless job, the constant alone-ness even though i am supporting my adult daughter, severely autistic grandson. I am 62 but back, neck and diverticulitis issues , asthma, arthritis make me feel much older. I am trapped by circumstances living in an area i really can’t afford, so my retirement will only last about 4 years no matter when i do that. I have not ideated the concept much, but the thought that my insurance policy payoff now would better be […]
I feel like i have been so manic that my head is going to spilt in half. That my chest will burst open. That my legs will break from pacing around so much. That my heart will give out from how much it hurts. I feel like i am losing my mind. And in the middle of it all, i dissociating from my body. Im watching from the sidelines. And i cant do anything about it. No matter how loud i am acreaming at my self TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST BREATHE
BREATHE YOU FUCKING IDIOT
JUST STOP FUCKING MOVING AROUND […]
I’ve had a chronic pain condition since I was 24 (I’m 42 now), it comes and goes and it’s not horrible most of the time but sometimes it gets so bad I can barely function for months at a time, I’ve lost up to 40lbs in a few months when it happens, the pain is so bad I can barely sleep, to me if I had to live like that all the time it would better to be dead. I’m not religious, though I have studied some eastern religious and I find them fascination, still I have this fear if I kill myself I will […]
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
I think I was just doomed from the start.
This society doesn’t want people like me, it prefers that I’d die. I’m gay and transgender, so I’m already a target for horrible people to take their frustrations out on. I’m too disabled to work, but the government won’t give me Disability. Even if they did, it’s not enough to survive on. I’m not good enough at art, music, or writing to make a living off of it. Streaming is too tiring with my depression and chronic pain. I’ve tried to get a remote job despite my disability, but I’ve only gotten scams. I’m running out of […]
I heard something, that I shouldn’t have. That’s all it took and now I want to rage quit on life. I guess we bury it so deep, that it’s not even visible to us, until someone else reminds us. It’s 4:32 am and I want to self harm. The harm’s already in my head afterall. Why couldn’t I get upset at a more convenient time. Now I have no one to talk to.
When will my body do, what it’s supposed to? Maybe it’s true afterall that the mind makes you ill at some point. No one ever finds anything that’s wrong with me. I’m tired of searching for proof. When will I get better?
I am a honour roll student so the 60% I got on my midterm should feel like the end of the world. Instead it feels just like any other mark I’ve ever gotten. I could watch my whole world crumble around me and it wouldn’t even phase me. It is like things are happening to me or around me and I could do anything and the outcome would be the same each time. I am living in a constant loop of the same events and the same numb feeling I cannot escape from.
Sometimes i feel like i can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of issues, i know but how do they all stem from one point? I have been suffering with weight issues for a long time now, since 4th grade. And i can’t lose it no matter how hard i try. Because of that i compare myself to everyone, like “Look at her, she’s skinny and so beautiful” or “why can’t i look like that?” That comparing of looks and weight turned into me comparing myself to others about intelligence. When i don’t understand something i freak out and beat myself up for not […]
I wish there would be a day when I could openly announce all the shit I do and why, bet my classmates would actually start to realise how painful these things are and apologize for gossips. Don’t judge a book by its cover, really. I may look like the weird kid that does weird shit for the sake of attention, perhaps they think I’m autistic or something? I don’t know but behind all of this pile of shit there is a person begging for help, I want to be seen positively. I can be a nice person, I can be a good friend, I can […]