so i had a mental breakdown and i just really feel like killing myself, he only reason for me not yet is that i’m going to see Panic! At The Disco….
Sometimes it feels like all hope is lost, like there is no reason for me to continue thinking or trying or breathing and the self hatred gets even more overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry and tear myself apart (literally) I have goals I just have no motivation to achieve them anymore because I don’t see the point, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just end it now and end my pain, I have no one, and everyone just discourages and belittles me and I’m tired of pain
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 […]
the weather here has been such shit lately and that onto of everything else has thrown my mood down so much, I wish I had someone to talk to, to distract me from the mess that is my life, even if just for a night
I’m nobody’s child, I’m nobody’s child
I’m like a flower just growing wild
No mommy’s kisses and no daddy’s smiles
Nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child
I just can’t seem to understand
Why the folks all pass me by
‘Cause I know that it’s true that God takes
Little blind children with him in the sky
And they tell me that I’m oh so pretty
And they seem to like my big curls of gold
But then they take some other little child
Ever since I could remember I have been bullied and made a social out cast not only at school but at home as well. My father is a bad man and he has since been put in jail. My older two brothers aren’t exactly model siblings, and my mum takes all her anger and frustration out on me, even though I’m not a defiant child.
So as far back as I can remember I have felt these depressing feelings and have suffered from many mental illnesses. My mother, whom does not believe in that kind of thing, has been emotionally and physicaly abusing me since I […]
I continuously wonder what I did wrong to deserve all of this pain. I’m so sorry for whatever it is, I pray to god (not literally, I’m not religious) that one day I’ll have been through all of the pain I can and will finally be happy, something I’ve never gotten, if this emotional, mental and somewhat physical suffering doesn’t kill me first.
I was trying to compose something nice in my head to post, but I just need to vent without trying to be all verbose and purple prose-y. I’m sorry guys (though I’m sure no one minds not reading my bullshit).
I am in so much pain. My stomach really hurts. It was really mild until about 20 minutes ago, when I started to think about trying to sleep. I didn’t eat anything super bad today, and the last thing I ate were woven wheat backed crackers, in an effort to calm my stomach, because drinking something milky or eating plain salty crackers usually helps.
I am running out […]
Many old timers here will be more familiar with the back story of Dawg … newer folks, feel free to peruse my past posts that date back to 2011.
The cliff notes:
I suffer from chronic back pain … make life difficult and saps my strength and will … often to the brink. And in years passed I was faced with homelessness through foreclosure … at which point I was confident I could implement my “Exit Strategy” and wash my hands of the whole mess. During this whole time … about the only reason I did not end my pain and cut short the inevitable march […]
I feel that friendship is more fragile and more important compared to a relationship. I don’t know, but it’s like whenever my friends suddenly act cold, it hurts so fucking bad I just add a few more cuts just to be able to feel. Fucking hell it makes no sense.
Honestly, it really fucking terrifies my how much of a hold this person has over me. All she has to do is say a word, and I think I’ll just fucking crumble. She’s not even the person I’m in a relationship with. But I’d rather lose him than her. It’s really difficult and just tiring to […]
I’m so alone, and it’s one of the most painful things to know that I will probably always be alone. It just hurts.
You would think it doesn’t hurt anymore. When people come in my life, gain my trust and friendship, then rip away a piece of me as they walk away like I never meant anything to them. But the truth is, it hurts so much more each time it happens. It hurts so bad that I feel numb until another part of me disappears. It hurts so bad because of the feeling that I only ever made friends from pity and I cared about them more than myself. It hurts so bad that it puts me almost to tears, but then a dark part of me […]
I’m so close to the brink- I worry I’m losing my mind. I tell myself to keep trying, one more day… maybe even finish the semester. Then I find myself crying and tapping my foot, looking at one of those options.
I don’t know what to do anymore- I must be crazy. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t my headaches go away? The seizures? The pain? Why can’t I just understand all this BS?
…I think I’m crazy.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want out.
I’ve been in severe depression for so long now , that I cannot even remember what I was like before it. The human inside me has just died.I feel like I’m living in an empty shell. I’ve been fighting and fighting the pain. Every day feels like hell. I see a rope , I wanna hang myself , I see a knife , I wanna stab myself , I see a train , I wanna jump.I see a rooftop , I wanna drop down.
I love my parents and I’ve been living for them for the last 3 years . I cry every night , I […]
I feel like I’m several trillion spoons in debt… (if you get that reference)
So, the girl he was after rejected him. No, of course I don’t want him to be miserable but it would have been a bad situation for him to get involved with. He chases perfect little girls around or under 5′ tall and under 100 lbs. This one just so happened to be married (but in process of going to get divorced) with 2 little babies 9 months apart. It would have ruined everyone’s lives because of the things he has attached to his name. Which, could be the reason she had […]
When the bath’s drawn, the phone’s off, the house is empty… as it always will be… what do you do? When there’s no friend to call, no family in existence, no job to work, no place to attend, tomorrow, nor the next day, nor the day after, no car to drive, no health to live? What then? Cannot one simply slip into oblivion, forevermore? Isn’t that okay now? Finally?
I’m stalling. Why? Is there a man to stampede through the front door, thumping his chest with the almighty courage of one in love, to say, nay! Not tonight! This shall not be! Whisking me away in his arms, hair […]
This is my first post. And I’m terrified. Terrified that I have to resort to something like this. Terrified that I’m finding myself sinking back into a hole I thought I had successfully climbed out of years ago.
I’ve had depression of varying degrees on and off since the age of 11. I remember clearly the burning desire to end my own life at age 12; a struggle that took me years to overcome. Don’t ask me how; I don’t remember. Most of that time period in my life has become hazy.
But now, here I am. 17 years old, a loving boyfriend, a promising future. And […]
Had an appointment with the specialist today.
Her expert opinion was “There’s nothing more we can do for you.”
So no additional appointments were made, and as far as they’re concerned, I’m “done”.
Not even willing to discuss options about the tumor thing.
It was the oddest feeling, wheeling back out to the car, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back, but also knowing that I was still in just as much trouble.
I wonder if they just don’t want to be held liable if I end up dying while […]
I’m astounded I never heard of suicide project before, seeing as I’ve fantasized about, planned and studied suicide for many many years. Whenever I dare to get close enough with someone that I might actually feel happy, they sense my deep depression and ask the inevitable – are you suicidal? That doesn’t satisfy them, no. They have to go further. How often do you think of suicide? That’s when they flee.
The bonds I need in order to cease feeling suicidal are not available to me until I’m no longer suicidal.
And around and around we go.