In my previous post, http://suicideproject.org/?p=359010, I mentioned my life with chronic pain. I’ve been becoming more self abusive and suicidal. Trying to find new ways to cope. Family is pulling more and more away no matter how much I try to be apart of their lives. I shaved my head today. It made me feel better somewhat. I don’t feel as hideous as I did yesterday. Feeling a little bit more normal. At least it would be a handsome corpse. Lol. Bad joke, but I believe more people will have that sense of humor here. Just wish I could find an outlet to find happiness.
Coping Skills
I’m new to here, so hello… I’ve been feeling down for a while now and alots been going on… I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this poem …
You make me feel so worthless
So depressed and so alone
You make me feel like crying
And cutting deep into the bone
You look at me in solitude
With your evil looking glare
Make me feel so worthless
Like I’m living in despair
I want you to understand
To have some gratitude in there
To feel the emptiness I feel
And the loneliness in the bed we share
Why am I here
What have I done
Will […]
Just one question to anyone who reads this. Am I the only one who sees this world as not beautiful with us on it? I think if every human was gone this world could be beautiful again…
Stress has been making me feel ill lately. My chest feels tight, I’m more tiered than usual, my eating habits have declined, I’m more confined in my room, and my temper had been flaring on and off. The only things I can think about to get away from this is running away, or just ending it. But those are things I don’t want to do. But this “family vacation” we are taking in December is making me stressed to the point of feeling sick. Why you ask? Here is why-
One: The Plane Ride
Two: The Other Family
The other family is an ‘old family friend’ of ours. […]
English: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEgmxilFyaI
Japanese: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idLksB9YUIw
In order to just breathe, I keep meaningful songs in my arsenal until another day comes along. This is one of them, a powerful melody.
“As time is passing on and all my limbs are slowly growing along
The things to love’s a multiplying song
And its growth, is racing at a stupid rate, my only option is hate
So I just have to throw them out with no doubt
And so that I am able to provide you with love
The greedy person that hides inside me
Would soon see, that he would have to stop adoring everything that he is;
The clumsiness was a creation […]
I haven’t posted in awhile. Probably no one even noticed. If you did, I’m sorry for not posting. Stupid asshole me for actually thinking someone would care. I think when I last posted I was manic. Ended up in the hospital for that. Don’t believe them when they say they won’t put you in the hospital for cutting. I’m getting too old for this bullshit. So they change my meds and I end up with major depression. I wouldn’t even go to the docs except I want my Klonopin and Ambien. Also, I need them to certify me so I can keep getting my disability […]
As I lay awake at 4 am, I keep thinking and I hate it. My brain rushes with unwanted thoughts. It keeps bringing up everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life. It sometimes gets so bad I just start hitting myself on the head. Sometimes in my head I have this guy I call him Ryan, I imagine him to be a perfect guy. He tells me how ugly I am and that I’m nothing. I also think that I’m on this reality tv show and my made up in my head parents are looking at me watching my every move. Making sure I’m […]
So I haven’t been updating recently and a lot has happened in my life, so I decided that I needed to somehow let it all out and share with you guys. DISCLAIMER: It will be long …
So idk if I told you but my cousin moved back to my city (he used to live in Chicago) and he’s currently training to be a police man, but something that has been bothering me since he got here.. First of all, he doesn’t live with us, he lives with his other grandma. Second of all, my mom and grandma spend every single night during the week making […]
Hello sp peeps.
I found this site a billion years ago. I wonder who of the old regulars are still alive and kicking? I see I must’ve deleted all my old posts except 3.
I am back here now, at this moment because something came over me tonight. (jesus mind the phrasing pls)
Hang in there and you can fucking beat this!!!
Ps. I kinda sorta got married this year <3
Last post on here before this one was somewhere mid September 2013.
Keep it real folks, don’t do stupid shit and know – there’s ALWAYS someone listening even if it is someone that you’ve never met or seen before, believe […]
Kik code for a group 30 large all from SP!
Scan it by swiping down in your list of conversations.
The days are made up of small moments. Today’s best moments come when I walk into the other room and the sun falls on my face. The worst moments come when I climb back into bed, moaning from the pain. Some moments are lighter: they’re surreal, empty, clouded, but the depression has lifted just slightly. Others are agony, like fresh knife wounds… some are in between. It’s a mess of drowning and rising, but never quite breathing.
Derealisation has been on my mind a lot. Because of a couple of clearer moments I’ve had recently, I’ve convinced myself that it’s possible for the cloak over reality […]
I remember years ago someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love. I tried. Did I?
Here you are. There, you are. I love your person. I just love it. Sorry. Wasn’t on purpose… Just, like that. You were nice, you often are. You’re beautiful, I love your smile. I want to see it, always, forever, on your face. You deserve it. You’re a good person. I want to know who you are. I do. Sorry. You’re just the kind of person I feel good with. I don’t need to have a defensive posture. I feel like I can be myself, I feel like you’re talking to people and not to their position on the social scale. I’m sorry for looking […]
Every night I feel like disappearing. I have complete means and method to achieve this. However, I made a promise to someone who know hates me. I don’t really think of committing suicide anymore, but every night I just want to disappear. This really just sucks. I am trying to coupe with it as best as I can. Every night I just want to disappear and everyday I wake up with tears. I don’t even know what I dreamed about.
I am pushing forward, but my mind is holding me back. I don’t think negatively of myself anymore. I feel like I turned out pretty well […]
Irony right? I’m in this one. I’ve been here for the past 4 years, but naturally people won’t even notice me (different account i’m using now so you can’t find me). It’s like that even with real life support groups or other online ones I’ve been to. People just don’t care. I’ve been in one for 1 1/2 years and the other for 3 years. And whilst I’ve made many friends, they’ve stopped caring about me. They don’t even notice me anymore. When we’re alone, they either make an excuse and leave or just sit there awkwardly with headphones and work/read. I try to talk with them, […]
This site has been helping me so much. Thank you all again. I don’t want I’m trying to say in this post. I just want to post. I’m finding writing difficult today, so it might not make much sense.
I feel like I’m breaking. I don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over. Things are just worse right now. Depression is agony. Any coping tips you use, relaxation videos, $10,000 treatment programs you’re selling, etc, would be greatly appreciated. I’m still practicing meditation and it’s been helping more and more, but these past few days have been so painful. Any addition to what […]
I still think of you
more often than I’d like to admit
it still hurts to hear your name
i wish you’d leave my mind
sometimes I want to go after you
but I know that’s not what you want
i understand why you had to leave
I just wish you didn’t
I feel terrible for what I did
what I excepted of you was too great
I got too mad
said and did terrible things
im sorry, and I think you know that
you just don’t care
you left me to save yourself
and that’s ok
i just wish you’d come back
I miss you
I miss our friend ship
I wish things could go back to the way they were
but I know […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Ok, so suicidal thoughts linger. Will they ever totally dissipate? Perhaps or perhaps not. I don’t really know. If I had to say, I would lean towards they will lighten but never just go away. Once you learn know or relaize something, it’s not like you can just purposely unknow or unrealize it. The partial truth behind ingnore is bliss. So with acceptance of the fact I may never be able to fully revert from suicidal thoughts and desires leads me to the question of what can I do to cope with them? My mind running on the topic of ways to kill myself and […]
Thank you all so much. Even if we never commented towards each other, I have read all. I will make it. I have made it 30 years of depressed, I can make it a little longer for my family. I am chronically ill and will probably only make it another 20-30 years. I don’t want to come repeat life because I didn’t learn my lessons the first time. Or end up in some purgatory with guides and counselors. (i have been reading NDEs). Even if I just wink out, it is not fair to my daughter, she did not ask to be here either (as […]
I call this day one because this is the first day I haven’t cried in a really long time. I’ve come to believe the fact that Jordan will not come back to me. That who ever wrote the quote, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. And if it doesn’t, it never was; never dated a stubborn, prideful, Army Ranger.
I can admit I fucked up. I completely screwed up our dreams of marriage, happiness and children. I can say, I never cheated, never thought about it and never wanted anything more in my life than […]