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I cant stop thinking about things. I wish I could be lovable, worth loving. Yet I’m this. Rotten pile of scum. Perhaps if I changed entirely, as in no part of myself existed anymore, and I was completely different, better, then maybe I would be. There must be something wrong with me that I can change. I want to be worth loving. I don’t want someone loving me to be a burden on their life. I don’t want it to be an obligation, or something someone does out of pity. But, all I am is pitiful. I’m ashamed of my existence. People say to change […]
but NO ONE would help me, and so I’ve rotted, and become rotten. Is it a wonder I’ve been the way I am? It’s not my fault I’ve become an angry monster. That anger has been flamed by EVERYONE in this shitty world that’s done me wrong. EVERY. SINGLE.ONE. of those fuckers.
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Android cihazlar üçün t?tbiql?rd?n istifad? zaman? yaln?z r?smi linkl?r? üstünlük verm?k laz?md?r. Bu m?qs?dl? mostbet a android ba?lant?s? il? […]
was extinguished long ago. What’s left is an angry weepy mess. :'(
There’s so much misery inside of me, that I’ve spent so many years burying. Parts of me I didn’t know how to fulfil, or was too scared to. And in order to bury that misery, I’ve given power to other parts of myself that are insatiable, compulsions that never bring real peace or satisfaction.
So now no matter what I do, some repressed part of me will be screaming for the alternative. Contentment is not possible. It’s just a question of which path brings less misery. And knowing that makes me want to give up. But I won’t let myself end it. I’m too afraid of […]
I did it. I graduated high school today. It’s been a long day. The graduation part went fine, even though it was overwhelming. Had my after party, I even got my mom to come for a little bit, even though she was pissed off at my dad for some reason and hated the idea of being surrounded by people she hadn’t been around in years. But I’m glad she stuck by for a little bit.
I don’t really know how to feel about any of this. I’m sure this will all hit really soon and I’ll be terrified and upset, but right now I’m just… here. […]
I’m so tired of feeling this way. The pain is unbearable. Depression steals so much from me.
Yesterday morning I met a girl on the bus and I talked to her. Then in the evening I cried because I thought I would never see her again.
I don’t understand why I’m so sentimental. My mood just goes up, down, up, down, and then flatlines. Like right now I just feel empty. There are so many things in my head that bother me. I feel like I am controlled mostly by fear. Like an animal. Fear of being alone. Fear of being judged. Fear of getting too close to someone. Fear of being depressed. And sometimes I even fear being happy. And forgetting.
I […]
there was a point where i stopped feeling so depressed. it felt like coming up for a breath after a long dive in the ocean. or like a foggy window, where the middle was finally wiped so i could properly see out of it. my head felt clearer. i didn’t feel so muddled in the dark. i felt nothing. or more so, i didn’t feel that depression anymore.
i could be happy, angry, or sad without feeling that depression. it was extremely weird; it was such a strange feeling. i had spent literally every day for at least 3 years feeling depressed. every, single, day. then […]
your insane fucked up mom is LESS insane and LESS fucked up than you are. -_-
I’m trying to shut it out, the real world, the whole ball of wax….. there’s nothing there for me right now anyway.
I keep getting sucked back in, into the drama, into the dopamine high of watching others hurt….. how sick is that? If there’s anything that makes me doubt intelligent design, it’s how humans handle dopamine. We like pain, mostly causing it but some sick folks like feeling it too…. I’ve been in both positions.
So why can’t I just drop it, all the dirt, all the agony and wailing, why isn’t it easier to look away? I’m trying, for what that’s worth. I’ve closed all […]
My mind is a mess, isn’t it?
Chad awoke in a strange area.
Multiple small islands surrounded him, floating in mid air. On each island, there’s a marble statue. Each statue is of something… significant? Chad doesn’t remember.
A football, a clarinet, running shoes, a bottle of… whiskey?
Chad doesn’t drink.
He’s just… uncertain. In a haze of utter madness and chaos.
He stands up, brushes himself off, and moves toward the statue of the football.
In a flash, he sees himself, scoring a touchdown! He almost forgot how passionate he was about football.
His teammates dunk him in sports drink and he gets a kiss from a hot cheerleader.
I don’t really feel […]
I need to just accept the fact that I have been very selfish. Whether or not I’ve let it be known to others doesn’t matter, I’ve been nothing but a selfish pile of disgusting rot.
Essentially, I mean in wanting – even expecting, to be talked to and paid attention to so much. I very rarely let this on to anyone, because I know it’s wrong, I am not entitled or deserving of any love or attention. My partner has barely spoken for 2 months now, and today all of a sudden after about 8 days they said they loved me. I was feeling alone. Left […]
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING
I’m so fucking frustrated with my life that I have LITERALLY been screaming the last few days. IDK how else to deal with anger and frustration.
I hate my fucking life
I hate my situation
I hate being sick and disabled
I hate being poor
I hate living in a shit apt
I hate NOT being able to control my environment and my life
I found out yesterday that I nearly lost my stepdad to suicide this week. About a week ago, I told my stepdad about the trauma he’s caused me; about how perv-y he gets when he’s drunk. He didn’t know he was like that. And he’s always viewed pervs as the worst of the worst, and believe they deserve painful deaths. So apparently, when he found out he was one of them, he thought he deserved to die too. I feel sympathetic for him, don’t get me wrong. But at the same time, after everything that that man has caused me, I’m glad he felt like […]
Sometimes things give me some perspective, like as feeble and useless as I am, things could be worse.
I have these friends who are about my age, but way sicker physically than I am. They have something I don’t have, the ability to keep pushing when their bodies say no. I’m not sure if I envy that. Point being, they can push themselves to levels of sick that I can only dream of.
I have a lot of empathy for the situation, because I certainly could have kept pushing. This morning the guy had a full meltdown, a confluence of stressors arranged in such a way that […]
It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.