General

graduation is coming up.. how did i make it here? i should’ve died a long time ago.. i don’t know what to do after, and i can only regret what i haven’t done long ago. i wish i was part of a big project.. a big community.. hell, just something to add to my portfolio but.. i’ve never been motivated to do anything, even making comics.

but i could’ve been something.. and now? i don’t know.

It only replays it never ends
3 years being cut away from you and I am still being punished for loving you
The wounds on my leg healed shut but I have not. For I am still bleeding from my wrist with your name in the background of my brain echoing louder and louder.
I loved you but you loved to scream
Scream until my voice can no longer be heard and I am hidden in a corner
In the same room where you told me you loved me, I hide from you

I lost my voice
My appetite
And my will to […]

This is a unique feeling, finding someone _better read_ than I on the particular matter of philosophy that dominates my issues. I guess I assumed that others who wished not to exist had more success than I have at achieving it.

I’ve read the relevant Camus, Myth of Sisyphus, because it most clearly defines and attempts to solve the philosophic problem of suicide. Deeper still, it discusses the desire not to be, and proposes some alternative ideas like social suicide, where you just drop your existing life and go live a different one. But the Russian literature element, that’s been on my to read list for […]

When all you have left is exhaustion. When all your love has trickled into droplets in a vast empty darkness. The only thing that’s left is your sense of loyalty and misplaced faith.

They say the opposite of love is hate. But that’s not exactly true. The absence of love has always been indifference. Because how would you know hate, if you never know love? But how would you know love if there is nothing but emptiness inside?

It’s been almost 5 months since my mom passed away and I am a lost little girl without her.
It’s been 5 months of my brain just on autopilot and me just being in the background of my head
It has been 5 months with the bare minimum to survive by choice
If I can’t keep myself alive that is a problem for another person but not me
I hate the idea of leaving who I need but I love the idea of being as free as the wind
It’s been 5 months since I turned 16 and now my world has ended.
Once Upon […]

Goddamnit, I had bought a flight, but it was a day earlier than I wanted to leave (not packed and ready to leave tomorrow night), but it was booked a few days ago, and tonight I saw the flight I wanted, but it meant I had to cancel the flight and rebook and pray that nothing goes wrong and someone snatches my flight as I cancel and before I can rebook (the page is SO slow, lagging, takes many minutes to cancel and rebook), so I decided to think about it first before jumping on it. I re-checked it 1-2 hours later and it […]

I was expecting the grade at 5 pm. As it was getting closer, I had a feeling that might not be the case. He probably even forgot I had directed research and did not submit a grade. I imagine administration will contact him about it. Now the only issue is I don’t know when this will happen. I think now that’s the worse part. I won’t know when the disappointment will occur. Most likely he will contact me and I will admit in shame that I have nothing to show. This whole thing has been bad top […]

Just about. I realize that the prof might not know to give me a grade. He might have to be reminded after adminstration notices he doesn’t send in a grade by the due date. Then he will remember and give me my failing grade. I’m only really writing now because it helps me calm down to a degree. These last few hours have felt like an eternity. Yesterday seem to have went by quick. Today it is slow. I went grocery shopping this morning. I also had to stop by the lab to scrap off […]

I finished a show, Violet Evergarden (the character I drew above) yesterday for my movie class. It was very good, very beautifully animated and great soundtrack, the plot and the characters were awesome, definitely wanted more, but it’s probably a good thing the series is so short. Basically, Violet was raised in the military and taught to have no emotions/feelings or at least don’t show them, and everyone just considers her a tool. The Major, however, was the only person to treat her […]

I think I WILL BE FORCED TO. CUT THEM OFF.

old friends. I feel uncomfortable while I talk to them because they know me too well. So I want to break all contact with them and find new ones. I do this all the time. Every few months at least. I don’t know how I wouldn’t !

I cant pretend that I care about someone who never texts me first even though we’ve known each other for 6 months. Fuck off. I’m going to block her. I hate her. I never want to think about her again. idc idc idc idc […]

me: fuck i just got triggered real fucking fucking bad

nobody:

me: i mean real motherfgucking bad my worst nightmare is happening

nobody:

me: im trying to hold on with everything ive got but thats not enough. not today. ive done all the things they tell you to do in a crisis. its not working its not fucking working

nobody:

me: idgaf i should just go back to my sh and my pills if thats all i got

nobody:

me: i mean is that a good idea

nobody:

me: seriously will it be better to just suffer thru this and wait for it to go away? or wiull it keep amplifying? the bridge is just […]

Anyone in the LA area want to meet up? Get a drink and talk?

They drop at 5 pm tomorrow. At least they should. I was thinking about it, and it’s actually hope that makes it hurt. It’s the root cause for anxiety. If you know something bad is going to happen, when it will happen, and the consequences of it happening, you shouldn’t feel anxious. You should feel some sense of peace. You might feel sad about it. Depressed. But not anxious. Not that unique pit feeling in your stomach. And it’s all because of hope. Because I have this small hope that things will turn out […]

Is anyone on here from London Ontario, Canada. Would like to d!e togther?

People keep hurting me.

Like I don’t even care to get into allllll the ways people do this but they hurt me. They bump into me with their obese bodies that subluxated my shoulder and reinjure them as I work. I get rushed by people who don’t look where they’re going, causing a meniscus injury. Mostly recovered from that.

And now I have tennitus. Baby at the mall screamed so loud I knew it messed up my ear. Full disclosure, I had been managing urethritis for years and sometimes splay my legs a bit or lean forward where I’m feeling irritation.
There was only this mother in […]

I did it again. I fucking did it again. I fell in love with someone I can’t stay with lmao This is going to fucking suck. I am going to get fucking hurt lol oh well

The part of me that wants to end it is unlikely to be strong enough to prevail anytime soon, unless there’s some kind of catastrophic development. This animal apparently wants to cling to survival, regardless of misery.

But the delusional optimist in me isn’t strong enough either, to push me to finally sort my life out. It would probably be the smart thing, in terms of having fewer regrets in future. At least then I wouldn’t have to wonder about what would’ve happened if I’d really tried at this point in my life, the way I do about times in my past. But the odds of […]