General

Why can’t I just be a happy person?
Why must I be plagued with so many thoughts?

I just want to be a happy, productive, capable person.
Just go out and do things. Be happy.
And not weighed down by thoughts. Or feelings.

Don’t have a whole lot to say but felt like posting anyway. I went to a bar yesterday. A barcade to be specific. I love arcades, so I’m always happy to go to one. I drink occasionally but usually I don’t drink too much, mainly because of how expensive it is. I ended up drinking alot though last night. I blew 40 bucks on four whiskey sours. That feeling of inebriation was nice. I felt light and things didn’t seem so important. I felt at peace in a sense. Last night might have been the […]

Suddenly, the reward is available. I’ve been waiting on it, holding myself back from so much, so much just longing for a taste….

and now I can’t seem to… take it. It’s right there, it isn’t even that big of a thing apart from the darn buildup behind it. That I wanted it enough to be sneaky, to be clever, to be patient, and a little dishonest. But when I have it, will I feel better? Doubt it. Doubt it very much…… all the same, I’m afraid if I don’t grab it, if I wait, it’ll cost me much more. Does that justify giving myself a […]

hii..

Can’t wait to die. I mean who cares, it won’t bother me hopefully but even if I’m like whatever.

I don’t want to be this anymore.  Being inside my mind is not a fun place to be. I’m tired, sad, lonely, and full of regret, all the time. My life sucks. And I’m not blaming anyone else for that, But it feels so past the point of repair that the urge to give up is overwhelming.

There are certain kinds of videos games (I’m thinking mainly of strategy/tactics games) where it becomes clear you’ve messed it up, long before you hit a game over. Where the mistakes you made early on are now sabotaging your every move, making just keeping your head above water hugely […]

It’s been about a year since she has stopped talking to me and my obsession has not ended. I think it’s gotten worse. I heard her name over the announcements today because she won some sort of award or whatever and my whole day was ruined. My heart was pounding and my mouth went dry and I couldn’t focus at all. I think about reaching out to her sometimes but what would I say? I just want to know what she’s doing now. I really miss her honestly. Every time I see her talking to someone I wish it was me instead of them. I […]

That’s not true. I have a lot of things on my mind. But I will talk about two specific things today.

I was thinking about my manic episode earlier today and remembered that it almost got me killed. I have absolutely no idea if I talked about this already, but I freaked out two tellers so bad that one of them went to their car to get a gun. It was at the peak of my mania and my parents, who were already worried, dropped me off at a trading card shop. The type that has all sorts of stuff for […]

1. You get bored with small talk
2. You’re careful with your words (reserved/overly serious)
3. You’re socially awkward
4. You struggle to make good friends (Is making true friends and finding YOUR crowd somewhat of a challenge for you?)
5. You don’t get out much
6. You’re overly analytical (analysis paralysis/indecisiveness)
7. Your mind constantly craves exercise
8. You’re always feeling pressured to succeed

ME:
1. Most definitely!
2. Yes but can chat and engage in useless banter when out on a “fun” night with ppl who only are interested in non-serious conversations
3. Nope, learned over the years to be extraverted when needed
4. […]

My relatives are like demons that torture me.

I got my wisdom tooth pulled 3 days ago and didn’t take antibiotics, the dentist said I had a very small infection but nothing major. Well starting yesterday I started getting a bit of a bad taste in my mouth and while the pain in my mouth has subsided just under my jaw hurts so I think my days are numbered.  If I get antibiotics it causes me a lot of stomach problems and fibromyalgia symptoms.

Can I delete some of my comments made on somebody’s post if I want to?

Today has been really shitty and awful. Granted, a lot of my days are, but today decided to be a bit worse.  I had to stay out of one of my classes and cried for the entire hour. My eyes still hurt. I just felt and still feel so horribly alone, I wanted someone to ask if I was okay… I zoned through the rest of my classes. I isolated more than usual, no one bothered to talk to me or see what was up in the one hour that I DO talk to people during the day (not that they probably want me to, […]

I’m an individual with narcissistic traits and I think about spite-killing myself all the time, but really it’s not about other people – I shouldn’t be here as my coping skills are so low. People have told me ending my life would be a bad decision (for someone with my life), but they don’t know how much I hate a lot of my life. I don’t wish a lot of harm upon myself, but if there were a pill or some easier way, I think I would be very inclined to take it way before my time.  I have tried so hard to be grateful […]

No light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing is exciting.
No I-feel-great-and-want-to-jump-out-the-bed type of feeling.
Every day is blah.
Every day is just getting through the next day.

It’s terrible bc I didn’t always feels this way. The last few years have “killed” me.

sidestepping the humorous implications; I am talking about a specific tooth pain, and I’m aware that the teeth are broadly within my head. This is about psychosomatic vs real sensation.

I have a hole in one of my teeth. It’s been there awhile, and most of the time hasn’t bothered me…. but these last two weeks it’s been bugging me. I’ve been taking pain killers, and most of the time they work. Last night it reached a point I actually took enough pain killers to feel “high”…. which I don’t even know how to feel about really

but then this morning, the pain was going in and […]

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/more-proof-that-money-can-buy-happiness

Point of the article- money is ESSENTIAL to a good, happy life, free from stress, free from worry. Or LESS worry and LESS stress. And more FREEDOM to do things. And no, there is no “cap” on money’s positive influence on happiness and life satisfaction- ppl who already make a lot of money and make more become even happier.

I just finished high school and Iike all my friend I applied to different universities, but while my friends got all letters of acceptance, I received only letters of rejection. In the last two days I received two letter of rejection that completely shattered my dreams and on top of that I also got rejected from the summer job I applied to. I feel so much like a failure, I am so tiered of pretending to be ok in front of everyone, I am tired of pretending of not caring. At night I can’t sleep because I am so scared of the future and any […]

I tell myself that I am this so much that it kind of loses its meaning. At least when I’m buy myself. I just got done having a therapy session. I told him about how I think I’m worthless and all the stuff about the lab. I started crying again. When I talk to other people about this stuff I cry, but by myself I don’t (most of the time, sometime I do tear up). He asked me why I felt that way and kept asking why when I gave him answers. Is that what a good therapist […]

i just had a dream about one of my fears, being pregnant. when i awoke, i had realized something..

the one good thing about me is that i’m ugly as shit. no body would want to knock me up or rape me because of that fact, so i don’t ever have to worry about being pregnant. another thing is that now that i’m 18, no pedo pretending they like me would not go for me anyway, since i’m now out of their preferred age range.

i suppose that’s the only good thing about me.