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If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
I can’t get shit done bc I’m always so fucking tired. I can’t fall asleep at night. When I wake up, I feel like utter shit. It isn’t till many hours later that I actually feel half-alive. By the time I actually feel ok, it’s time to go to bed, which I don’t want to bc that’s the only time during the day (night) where I actually feel half-way decent. And this hamster wheel repeats day after day after day. I’m perpetually tired, never feeling good, save a few short hours during the middle of the night when I […]
I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]
I know in every part of me that my life is a failed mess and the experiment should be aborted but I lack the courage to do the honorable thing. Instead, I hold on, day after day, while things get more and more pathetic and shameful. I am not sure how much I will endure before I finally get the nerve to do the hard thing.
Society is constantly forcing me to think that I should live on. Telling me to use CBT. Not on my nuts but on my brain. It doesn’t seem to work. Somehow, the grid method and the jahari window seem to […]
I’ve been trying to figure out how to get this thing out of my head and onto paper (okay, computer screen), for a few days now. It’s about why I am where I am, why I’m depressed, and why I don’t feel understood. It might be kinda ranty, you’ve been warned.
Sooooo I’m unemployed “by choice” as in, I’m a somewhat able bodied American male, and right now not working is better for me than working. It’s a pretty common situation, apparently it’s been a demographic trend for decades only just now reaching a peak (people hope, if they continue with this approach they won’t be […]
Edit for Apr 23: If I didn’t put my arm up fast enough, I’d be fucking blind right now. Completely blind in one eye. For the rest of my life. I HATE MATTHEW SO FUCKING MUCH! He thinks that I will forgive him every time. Well, I’ve fucking had it with his absolute bullshit. I’m not putting up with him anymore. I will never let him hold my gun ever again. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I wanted to beat him until he was unconscious. If my reflexes were not fast enough. Every time I think back, I’m so fucking […]
Is anyone else tired of the “Help is Available” lie? The truth is unless you’re independently wealthy, there is little to no help out there. My insurance pays nothing to see a professional clinical counselor. Psychiatrist visits are only for medication management. I know of many others in them same boat. I need intensive IP treatment but it’s just not going to happen.
I use to come here a lot when I was depressed and suicidal. Just read, never posted. Trying to feel understood, and validated maybe. I’m in a much better state of mind now, and made a video about my personal experience. If you’re interested, I’ll add the link. I can’t promise anyone they will get better, that’s up to them. But I can promise you that there is so much more to life than what you currently think and see. Just keep in mind that your current state of mind might not be able to comprehend this, but that doesn’t mean it will always be […]
I’ve never come across a good example of how to manage the incredible range of contradictory, conflicting drives within me. I often see people who are struggling with some aspect of themselves, and think that if they just made a small adjustment in their approach, they could avoid so much trouble. But when it comes to myself, I have no clue where to start.
I have instincts and impulses to do the worst things imaginable within me. And it’s not that I’m worried that I’m actually going to enact them. I’m generally pretty reserved in most circumstances. But they’re strong enough to the point where they […]
You have some humans who invent rockets that can take you to outer space. Other humans have invented computers and cell phones that let you talk to someone across the globe, in real time. And then there are these humans that do the above stupid shit. Tik Tok Challenges.
No, I do not feel bad or sorry for these idiots. If you’re that dumb, it’s only proper for natural selection to select those OUT of the gene pool. Sadly, it seems the human gene pool is headed toward idiocracy rather than higher intelligence.
Like how many dumb tik tok challenges that […]
Would You Rather Be:
A Happy Idiot or A Depressed Genius?
Took a shower for the first time in 2 weeks. Maybe longer, can’t remember. Wish I could wash away all the rot that is me, but ah, I’m stuck with that for now. I feel like a dumbass because I can’t pull myself out of this for shit. I’ve been trying to do what I’m told to, fighting negative thoughts and things, and I’m always reminded about how it’s my choice and I have to put in the effort. And so I’ve been trying to do all that. But I’m dumb, and pathetic, and worthless, and rotten, and a coward, and a selfish asshole, and the weakest person […]
Every time there is a week where a bunch of crappy stuff is supposed to happen, I call it hell week. I have a presentation on Wednesday, I meet with company executives for five minutes on Thursday, and I have a couple of stuff due. When you look at it, it’s not a whole lot, but to me it sucks. I always have this feeling that something is going to get me, and I think this time it’s going to be one of these things. Things just suck. I hope they go well.
Some Reasons Why People Kill Themselves | Psychology Today
Defiance, hatred, chagrin, misguided altruism and loss of self. You?
I took like 70 pills over the span of 2 nights. (20 one night and 50 the next). I did extensive research on what does not react well with eachother and how much can kill you. I took like more than that 7 of of each kind. I took Xanax, Oxycodone, 10 of Adderall, Prozac, Lexapro, Percocet, and some others I can’t quit remember the name of them though. So why did some 13 year old get to OD on Benadryl and I was only in the ICU for three days. Im only a few years older than him. He didn’t even […]
I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.
To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]
It’s been about four months since my last post and things are even worse now. The popular notion that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is untrue. There is nothing temporary about my condition. I don’t see how things will ever change or improve. My mother, who was my only immediate family in this state recently moved to another state to enter an independent living facility. I have very few friends. The lonliness and isolation is unbearable. There seems to be no purpose in my life. Unlike many here, I do believe in God and Jesus Christ yet I’m at the end […]
Leaving a small tear here 4all duh bad thangz
Kid #1- Ariana 6yo
Anyone feel like a failure after watching her? O_o
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if ever there was a case of one, seems like an adult hopped into a little 6yo body. She’s not just “smart” but quite business savvy.
All 3 kids are amazing ofc, but I feel more depressed and pathetic that a 6yo is doing way more with her life than me. I’m sure she’s extremely privileged, parent’s are upper middle class or upper class, she’s been given opportunities most kids haven’t (she’s been put in private school/tutoring since age 2), I’m sure the parents do […]
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