General

I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]

It’s raining. Of course it is. Nothing says darkness than a rainy day in my city. I lace up my shoes and go running anyway. I allow the drops of water hit me to say to the rain god, “not today.”
Before I started running I would have stayed curled up in bed and be afraid to venture out. Nothing wrong with staying in bed curled up on a rainy day, however, I wouldn’t move. I became paralyzed.
Now, I run and run as far as I can to clear out the many cobwebs that still live rent free in my mind.

I’m so desperately lost. And there’s no way out. The only way forward is to let go. Not necessarily of life, but of the kind of life I feel is worthwhile. Accept, and let go. And I can’t bring myself to do it. My mind stubbornly clings to delusional obsessions. Because if it’s not going to be how I imagined, I can’t see any meaning in it.

There may still be experiences worth having out there, if I could just let go of what is lost. But I can’t. I can’t bear to do it. I refuse to accept. And in refusing, I wear myself down. […]

I think I’m probably more into my anonymity here than most users of this site. It feels so good to be able to say stuff that can’t be directly traced back to the person I try to be. But on rare occasions, there’s spill over. I do talk about being suicidal in public forums, and sometimes I talk about things here that absolutely should give away who I am. The beautiful thing is that usually no one cares.

Like, that’s what was cool about the pandemic, suddenly everyone was just getting through today, it was possible not to care and be socially acceptable.

Right, rabbit trails, main […]

I like so many others have questioned our place in this strange place. I grew up and have lived all over the world witnessing first hand suffering of the living on all levels. There is kindness in all of us at some point ( most likely when we are young) but we are raised in a world so lost and angry it breeds hate. Hate towards others because of race,sex religion and ourselves when enough time brews it or injects it into ourselves. I have always punished myself rather than others… I believe that our sickness only makes us the strong ones . MONEY and […]

I’m so done with trying to work on myself. I can’t hold onto a clear thought in my head, it’s all caos and fog and this feeling: I’m done reflecting, I’m done reappraising, I’m done fighting to stay at the surface when the struggle uses up all the air I get anyways. I’m ready to drown. I’m ready to sink to the ground, forget everything, and finally – finally – have a moment of peace.

I will go out the way I want to even if it’s long and painful. Why do people have to be judged for that. Maybe I deserve pain if I’m so pathetic I can’t find their extremely rare chemical compounds that supposedly everyone is miraculously able to source. “Just Google methods duuuuur” what the fuck do they think I’ve been doing? The pro choice forum I was on has contributed greatly to me being forced to stay in this hell. I was not expecting to find difficult methods that are impossible to get right and be shamed for not wanting to choose them. Fuck SS […]

It’s hard to know what to do from here. The things I value in life are largely unrealistic and out of reach. But I can’t seem to bring myself to let go. To accept that it’s over. I failed to live life in a way that effectively worked towards anything. And now it’s over – it’s too late.

While everyone else was running the race, I was sitting at the start line. And now even if I start running, by the time I get halfway round, the race will be long over.

So it’s over – I failed to participate. But these parts of me still have […]