General

among the lies that the crisis line has told me, that I’m “so strong” for surviving has got to be one of the laziest. Today I took it on, and they said others wouldn’t be strong enough. I said that I envied them, those without this “strength”, because they would now be dead, where as I’m not.

I don’t think they had a script for that, but they stopped telling me I was “strong”…. so that’s at least me with the high ground.

To quote one of my favorite movies; “sometimes dead is better.”

If I had any strength I would have completed. I wouldn’t be here, arguing […]

TW sh (detailed description of self harm)

I remember when I first started cutting, it was so easy for it to go on. the blade glided through my skin in a soft slice. cut slow and long to feel every moment or cut fast to see more blood. The plan was just three; but three turned to five which turned to ten which turned to a full canvas. It’s the only way I know I’m alive. Ive tried cutting over the healed scars but no matter how much I push there’s just not as much blood as there used to be. I know my only option […]

…But is it possible to fall out of love with the one who gave birth to you?…

I moved out of my passive aggressive mom’s house with a boyfriend that I can’t hold a conversation with. I landed a job in HR that I’ve always wanted just to be talked down to. I live in a shit neighborhood with shit people. Nothing gets better. I’m tired of people saying it does. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I’m exhaused. I still want to die. I don’t belong here. All I can stand to do is get high and forget about my real life. I never asked for this shit. This is the type of tired that sleep can’t relieve you from. I […]

It always tends to gravitate towards bad luck as opposed to good. Good luck you might have one chance in a hundred of experiencing, whereas bad luck has got to be 99% likely to occur. Toxic positivity would declare ‘ you make your own luck’ but in the real world it doesn’t work like that. Outrageously bad luck will happen, like the time Mr.O’Grady walked in to the mapping office.

Many years ago I was working in this fucking racket, any form of employment could be described as a racket and this was no exception. A Mr.O’Grady, a name which has stuck with me as the […]

sometimes I really want to feel some sort of way about things. I can’t afford to, my life is run at an emotional deficit, therefor every feeling has a price tag

The thing I would like to feel some sort of way about is that awful project I was on is over, and as fast as that happened, in two days I start a new project. Will it be better? worse? the same? No way to know but to live it.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering when I’ll crack, if I’ll crack I guess. I started to come apart last night at the thought of more vet bills, which […]

Have any of you used/use the website “Sanctioned Suicide”??? I’m not sure if this website has any age limits or anything, especially since we are no longer free to talk about suicide or methods.

If you think the world’s getting worse – you’re right. It objectively is.
if you think you’re special and valuable in some way – you’re right. So is everyone.
If you think society’s out to get you – you’re right. It’s out to get everybody.
If you feel you’re loved/not loved – you’re right. Everyone is and isn’t.
If you think you’ve reached the end – you’re right. We each get to determine where our terminal point in the infinite is.
If you think life’s (not) worth living – you’re right. The value of our life is entirely upon us to determine.

I still have my whole life ahead of me.
But will I make it?
My parents fight and fight.
My dad shouts and yells.
I get scared. I cry. I just can’t anymore.

Sometimes I think to myself that the situation could be a lot worse. Why am I sitting here crying when I have it better than most. I have a good home, good relatives, a good school. We always celebrate holidays, get presents, and go on vacation. So sometimes I hate myself when it seems like I have it all. All except one thing. Happiness. And parents that […]

“Authorities said Melchert-Dinkel was obsessed with suicide and hanging and sought out potential victims online. When he found them, prosecutors said, he posed as a female nurse, feigned compassion and offered step-by-step instructions on how they could kill themselves. Court records show Melchert-Dinkel told police he did it for the “thrill of the chase.”

Prosecutors said he acknowledged entering into fake suicide pacts with about 10 people, five of whom he believed killed themselves.“

One of the people Melchert-Dinkel chatted with […]

The visit went 5/6ths as predicted. What’s worse is that right at the start I felt that long dead feeling of enjoyment of seeing an old friend after a long time, and soon after was shocked at actually being asked what’s been going on with me, but instead of really listening or asking for details (I don’t give them up lightly) was basically just told “oh maybe you’re on the very shallow end of the autism spectrum”. Wow. Okay. Thanks for that useless and completely off the mark “advice”, if it could even be called that.

The next several hours were, as they have been in […]

Never thought I’d be here but I feel how I feel. Many around me but I still feel alone. Tired of the betrayal, lies, fakes. It’s not the world but the ppl in the world that makes it feel shitty. I treat ppl with kindness, respect and sometimes even love…all for the effort to backfire. My dad is alive but I never felt like a princess cause he hasn’t been in my life as a real dad should have been. He was in jail when I was born and also hit my mom in her stomach while I was in the womb. If I would’ve […]

Im not sure what I am anymore. My flame is out yet again. I’ve wasted my vacation doing nothing. Soon back to a job that drains me of all energy to work on my own life. The people I’ve recently tried to turn into my new closest friends while sacrificing another one in the process still seems so distant. Maybe natural since they have their kids. But I can’t help feeling lonelier than ever before… What a mess…

So many times I’ve been told before that people “don’t think I can be happy.” I’m starting to think they are right. My anxiety and depression have gotten to the point where my medication isn’t working. This runs in my family, so there’s just no one to even talk to. It’s like, when I’m in front of the counselor, I can’t even convey the hurt inside. I always try to put on this face that everything is fine… and it’s not.

I think working from home has been really bad for me. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. My job is […]