General

I can’t explain why it does but it does. I realise all my flaws, I know them too well. I moved on and accepted them in most cases so I should be fine if someone calls me useless if I already know I am right? Well, no. I’m gonna burst into tears. I have no idea why I do this or how to stop. If I was at a therapist and they told me I had misophonia and stated the symptoms I’d absolutely bawl my eyes out right as they opened their mouth. I can’t explain why, I know it already so why […]

I’m tired of people saying they care and then not being there for me.

You just care that I’m not dead.

On this day in 2016 i had planned to commit suicide. 4 years later and my world is completely different. I have learned to love myself and i am better version everyday AMA
byu/What-do-you_mean inAMA

At this point it’s kind of annoying of me to come here over and over and still haven’t died. I’m tired of being an inconsiderate asshole when my suicidality comes knocking and being useless in the process too.

My partner said nobody would stand being with me and I kinda dont care. If I’m single it’d be easier for me to die. I don’t have her to think about anymore. I don’t have to care for her. I can be as selfish as I could by just killing myself and leaving the mess to somebody else to fix.

I can’t fix this relationship. I can’t […]

I don’t want to eat today. I already had a drink, that probably won’t be my last. I’m going to roll one here in a moment… Idk, i might cut. At least it would be a different pain…

Staying alive is just too much work and it’s pointless anyway!

I’m just so tired…tired of having to smile when all I want to do is disappear. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel so numb, like I am underwater and can’t find the top. I don’t want to burden anyone. I really just want to stop feeling anything at all.

Androgynous?

Today i went out clubbing after months of covid lockdown…and i had like a super great time partying after being locked up for months! But i also had some moments that made me feel a bit off…i tried to remain as unbothered as i can be and it helped, since my night wasn’t ruined in the slighest! But it did make me think a bit.

It started when i walked into the club and out of now where this girl was all smiles and started dancing/hugging me, complimented me on how i looked and then surely enough she started mentioning my gender and how i looked […]

Earlier today, I thought I had the rational path to my death. I had the thought that I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me. Problem; you can’t plan to fail. So I can’t throw myself at something unless I’m getting something out of it, and that sort of goal doesn’t exist.

I’m really working on it now though, not recovery, recovery is worthless. I’m going to either escape or end, and I don’t care which, only that it needs to come soon.

I don’t think more pain will work. It would dampen my rational […]

I’m male
I’m married to a caring woman who doesn’t really know.
I’ve always felt hurt.
Everyone in my life has left me behind at some point.
Family, Friend.
I’ve managed to hold back the nothingness for so long.
I like the pain because it lets me feel.
I lost all the children I tried to conceive.
I lost all the children I raised.
My parents told me that they never wanted me.
I feel like I don’t have any right to complain.
My body is starting to break down.
My joints hurt.
I feel physical pain every day now.
I know that my […]

i wish time would pass faster… maybe that wont do anything though…
i miss you but…. im sorry. i just cant talk to you. if you wanted to message me sure, ok ill think about it. but i know youre not going to.
im better off with an isolated life anyway.

how are things, really? Who among us is bold enough to claim to know? Who is so well informed as to know?

Things look pretty bad from over here, for most of the species. All my life I’ve been told that thinking that makes me depressed, having an altered perception. Now what? When the delusion becomes reality, what for the insane to do?

Sanity is on strike, that’s how bad things are. All the kind, loving and generous people have been burnt up, or burnt out.

I feel like I know where I’m going, but I don’t know how to start. Who can help me start? Who can […]

i get angrier at myself by the day, i feel agitated and get headaches by just talking or texting. I’m trying my best not to relapse into self-harm, but i cant get over how fucking stressed i feel right now. as im typing this, i don’t have my knife in sight, but i think after i post this im gonna cut myself still im tired.

i feel so taken apart, so fucking used. i wish i had friends, but im so fucking unlovable and uninteresting. no one wants to stick around me, im so fucking useless in this world.

ive taken some old pills of mine, amphetamine […]

Valentines day

So i made a little bit of a grand gesture towards the girl i’ve been crushing on for like 3 months! I did mention that i liked her and would love to go out sometime, but it’s also complicated since we have a ”professional relationship” that makes going on a date an absolute no-go (the kind of no-go that would get you fired). Yet i’m pretty sure we’ve crossed the professional relationship boundary in some ways by being flirty, when enjoying each others company.

Well last week the day after Valentines day i decided to escalate things a bit further. When we were alone for […]

In a wilderness survival course I once took, they said you’re NOT supposed to restrict drinking water. The rule is, without going overboard, drink from your supply when you get thirsty. I never really understood that. I mean, shouldn’t you save your water for when you really need it, like at the point of death?

But I understand it now.

A couple years ago, before my depression got to the point of active suicide plans, I asked for help from the people close to me. I asked for very specific things that would help me stabilize my life so I could get back on track. They literally […]

I get these moods where I want to just start telling people things I’ve felt/done/thought that is stuff I have kept to myself for ages and I don’t know why. I should keep it to myself, and I know that, but I have an impulsive strong desire to get it  out there despite knowing reactions are likely to be poor.