General

Over the past eight months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place.   This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one person’s descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him.  Each time he lets it fly away it circles back. This is how I am now.    Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck.  My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn […]

sometimes I think that I’m so tired and in pain I imagine things. Today I imagined that someone reflected right back at me my suspicions that we are in an age of cruelty, there is no place left for kindness or compassion in this hard old world. Mind, I intend to help people for a bit longer, and so did the man I thought told me the same. Did he though? How could things be so terrible? How could it really be that hopeless?

I was vulnerable, yuck. Kindness is a gentle poison, and I almost felt understood. What if that is illusion as well? I […]

Time for a famous SP “deep” post.

i know of a pretty easy and painless way to kill oneself, i wanna mention it but idk if that’s wrong or not. i know there are some of you who all things considered deserve a way out, but then again there are some young people on here who might just fuck up and… i don’t wanna call it a mistake, but… i just dunno

I feel I’ve been making accounts all day long, for this and that – and finally, this. This site makes for the site of the final breadcrumb I leave tonight. My finger’s been clicking the Mail tab open and closed, trying to get myself to send or delete an email to the school therapist requesting a meeting sometime next week to do some detangling. For fear of opening up or playing David Foster Wallace all too much. And so I came here instead.

I’m happy to come in here and finally leave a little something, too. Now off to sleep – once again frightfully late which […]

i can’t cope without drink in me but it seems like most times i drink i turn into a shitty person. i don’t understand why. every time i start to feel sorry for myself i convince myself that everyone else is just overreacting bc the things they’re upset about are minor. i don’t even know what i do wrong. no one understands, no one tries to understand and that’s what makes me feel like i’m a shit person. idk

Hi, I was passing by again, I was last here about four years ago. Life still going on in a way or another. I originally was here with the same nick but without the numbers. I remember I tried getting a few people from here to chat on a Discord group but not long after I ended up closing the server mostly because (and not because of the people from here) it was somehow too dark and filled with negative vibes to the point me and my two friends couldn’t quite bear it so by mutual decision we ended up closing it after notifying everyone […]

I sit here, most of the day, thinking, trying to raise the will power to do anything at all.

Some ideas of mine seem rather harmful, likely to bring me more pain in time. One of them is smoking cannabis, my dependence on it has expanded past where I am okay with. The big granddaddy of them all is alcohol. I used to be a casual rare user of it, but in these past few months, I’ve found comfort in it more than once. It killed my grandfather. It’s killed many more.

So I end up getting up ready to make a drink, and thinking to myself; […]

My family loves me so much and the idea of them having to deal with my suicide is the one thing that has kept me from killing myself for years. I know how lucky I am to have people who care about me and who love me but I don’t think I can go on like this. The idea of causing them that level of pain literally turns me into a sobbing panicking wreck but I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t keep going like this. I want to drive them away from me. I want no one to love me and […]

might sound dumb but how many of you drink a lot of coffee or caffeinated drinks? It helps me get out of bed in the morning but lately the afternoon crash is brutal. I mean like intense suicidal urges lasting all through the night. Morning comes, repeat the cycle. I’m not taking any other drugs or alcohol.

Ive quit for long stretches and my suicidal thoughts & panics lessen in severity. but depression is just as thick as ever so I always go back to that morning coffee to get myself out of bed.

seems crazy to think something as widely used and safe as coffee would […]

Maybe the word is used up, but it has been a peculiar day, I dare call it weird.

When I woke up, it was an hour from when I had to leave, and basicly psyched myself up; get through today, then deal with the rest. This is for my first full day of training, at a job I am seven years overqualified for.  A job where the people we help are only an economic rung lower than myself. A job where I’m supposed to prevent suicide.

I don’t know how that’s going to roll out, me being suicidal myself. Not that anyone has figured out, but you’d […]

I feel no joy, no excitement. I know I’m supposed to and I know how to act the part – it’s not even a conscious choice, I do it by default. Big smile yes of course I’m happy and grateful and excited, of course I’m having fun, enjoying myself. But all I really feel is emptiness. And noone can know. I have to function, just keep functioning, one day after another. I need it to stop, I just need everything to stop but I’m trapped: I can never make my way out of this prison I can’t do that to the people who love me. […]

If you’ll have to live forever in unthinkable pain, enduring every bit of negative thoughts of every person on earth, for the world to be bright and beautiful, complete utopia, would you do it?

For the last week I’ve intentionally not reached out to anyone to see who actually cared. Nobody called, nobody texted, not even my parents. I sit in my room all day. I don’t eat, the day is over in an instant it seems. I can’t talk to anyone so now I have conversations with myself sometimes without realising. I savour any bit of human interaction I have, constantly replaying it in my head, picturing it, repeating what I said in those conversations word-for-word with the same mannerisms and expressions to distract myself from the loneliness. Every day I see people I used to know going […]

I’m not wrong

I still don’t quite believe it.

I have bpd and we’re known for remembering the bad memories more…. Maybe it is just me….

But I’ve been sitting here for days with my friends remembering things. What’s in the attached post isn’t even everything

It can’t be true…. Can it?

I’ve been reading through different things on narcissism, i still don’t believe it….

Sometimes I think I’m getting better because I forget that I want to die.

It’s not that I don’t want to die anymore, I’ve just forgotten that I want to.

But then I remember and I’m back to the start again. Does the urge ever go away? Will it be like this forever?

I never really figured out how to be ok with intensely wanting something that you can’t have. The kind of desire that feels most crucially fundamental, where a part of you just yells “Yes! This is what life is all about! This is all you need to focus on!” I never learned how to let go of those feelings, how to accept reality and move on.

I’ve seen other people do it constantly throughout my life. Seen them subconsciously recognise that they’re not going to get anywhere with a desire, accept that fact, and refocus. Seen them find happiness by adjusting their expectations, by letting […]

I want to fucking die. I want to fucking die now. I am in so much pain. Drank a half bottle of booze, sat in a running car in my garage and FUCK THESE NEW CARS, the piece of fucking shit did not give off enough C02 to kill me. God fucking damn it, I just want to fucking die.

easy is easier 🙁

I’m positive it’s best for everyone if I don’t move anyway…..

I’m just a burden.

I want to undo everything I’ve been working hard to fix. Why not?

I want to cut, drink, huff npr, smoke up, go on the chat. I want to destroy everything

Maybe loosing you is for the best