General

Less than a week ago I was released from a psychiatrist hospital. I cried and thought about dying as soon as I got home, regretting not having died already. Two weeks ago I messaged a crisis hotline and they told me to sleep it off. I woke up depressed and suicidal.

“It gets better”, they say. I wholeheartedly believed it from when I was 14 and now I’m 21, and sometimes I do have moments where I think it can, but I feel like I’m inching closer to death every day.

I’ve been crying almost day since the end of June. […]

I enjoy losing. I enjoy going down and deeper than down. I should torture myself more and keep more to myself. I should light myself on fire in the middle of the town square for everyone to see. Only the group conscious makes something real. I have no choice but to fall in love with the things my brain brings me, I have no choice but to fall below it and miss it when it’s gone and go crazy when it’s here. I don’t understand how they don’t understand that logic or common thinking cannot be applied. Every thought boils down to either killing myself, […]

Im dealing with ptsd tonight. And i just cant see how it wasnt my fault. I felt uncomfortable. I knew. But i still kept going back. I continuously chose him over others. Its my fault i almost got r***d…

I got a job offer, which is nice. Firmly nice to okay, because it’s working at a hospital making very little money, and it’s with adults in crisis, so I guess my experience here will help with that (not that I mentioned it, they think I’m the picture of health.)

It’s a good shift, 7 AM – 3 PM Saturday – Wednesday. It’s something to do, where I might get to help people. That’s a fringe benefit, mostly it’s to keep my hands busy and make money to fix up some things.

ugh, the anxiety I’ve had, and the anxiety I expect to have will not be […]

“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” she screamed, as the blood ran down her leg. The pain intensifying. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she yelled, her body growing warm. The feeling of the alcohol flowing through her veins. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she cried, crashing to the ground in tears. Her mental pain too much to handle.

She just wanted it to be over…

Last night i cut
Last night i smoked up
Last night i drank
Last night i huffed npr
Just leave me alone. Im my own downfall. You cant save me.

“i would have stayed up with you all night, had i know how to save a life”
sadly its more […]

Growing up my stepdad had me working outside, my mother was braiding my hair. BPD on its own comes with identity issues, forget the parents wanting something but not getting it. sometimes i dont mind doing my hair or painting my nails. sometimes i want to go work on the car. im female but only when its brought to my attention. for the most part i dont think about it or care.
being both genders but neither kind of had this out of place feeling.
i dont care what other people think/know. i still go by she/her. its easier for others, what im use to […]

I have been on an act my entire life. The only way to break free, to truly be myself, is to exist as a corpse. Since my first depersonalization derealization, I stopped being able to live as a whole . Since the first time I wrote down that I wanted to die. I never wanted to speak about my mind or draw it out or turn it into something perceptible, but they just grind me up inside.

There’s truly no one to speak to. All contradictions. I draw my naked body on every girls in every piece I make but I’m a prude. I say everything […]

Reading is what keeps me going best, good books, fair weather and decent food, I could get by on that.

Anyway, lately I’ve actually been reading some stories I thought other suicidally inclined people might appreciate. Two stories quickly I’ll tell you about, then I’m back to the stacks!

Black Farm -Elias Witherow

The first one was a bit of my normal selection, it was a cosmic/spiritual horror book, and trigger warning, because suicidality is very front and center for the whole book. It’s about this couple who die together and end up in an absurd wonderland/waking nightmare. It took me multiple sittings to finish it, but I’m […]

theres no point in living when i cant do anything. i was thinking that maybe i could save a bit of money, every now and again spend the weekend at a hotel to be at least a little independent maybe, but as in my last post, i cant deal with people. i cant even do that.
how am i suppose to get a job, a place, groceries. i cant do anything. theres just no point in continuing like this

everything about talking to people in person, is unsettling to me. i literally dissociate every time i have to interact with someone. i have no idea what to say. i literally have a script of basic things to say in my head that i go over before the interaction. “just say good morning, here you go and get out of there”. i cant even handle something that basic without feeling like my eyes are inverting. or like theyve sunken to the back of my head. i feel bad if i dont have eye contact because “youre suppose to” but doing it makes me sooooo uncomfortable.

I’ve been sitting here since Thursday. In this same place on the couch I haven’t moved. Smoking cigarettes like they’re going out of style and drinking booze as if it’s my last time (it should be). I screwed up. Bad and I mean bad. My girlfriend moved out due to my alcoholism as well as being controlling. It never occurred to me that I was so controlling until the end, and why? Why would I put down the person that I loved the most down just to have her leave? I’m a monster. Something in my head seemed to break loose and I lost it. […]

Has anyone been able to contact him? Is he okay? We have been talking for a very long time almost every day and now he’s quiet, way too quiet… Anyone knows anything?

I will always go with the demons…

I want to disappear into nothingness. To simply disappear without going to an alternate universe or my energy being transformed to another energy. I want to simply disappear fully, not in an almost way ;where I end up in hospital and I’m questioned (why or how) ; just a definite disappearance. No goodbyes No Explanations.

It’s been a year now, i never posted though i saved many draft that i couldn’t post . I read people’s problem as way to forget mine. But things got worse, school stress, family, loneliness, anxiety, depression and life.. I used to cut myself as a coping mechanism , physical pain makes me forget the war inside me, but i think im going back to it because im really hurting,im so in pain and drowning. I spend so much time on scrolling Instagram without nobody noticing me or just checking on me. I spend time on discord watching people talking and being ignored by everyone.. […]

We’re at the store and i decided i want m&ms so i ran over to let him know. And someone held the door for me while i asked my husband to grab them for me. I feel horrible for not saying thank you. Im sure if i told you why i didnt youd understand…

I have anxiety and there were people in the store and people behind me and you so i was kind of zoned out just wanting to get out of there. Im sorry i didnt say thank you, i wanted to…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how I feel and how others around me feel. I’m not entirely sure what I want to do as a result of this thinking, but I know I do want things to change.

I hate referencing ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’, but I guess I have to.

I’ve decided to give the world one last chance.

Shit… and now it’s all too easy… I… I promised someone I wouldn’t. And here I am sitting alone in the dark. With all the means to finish the job. I… I know I can’t I just… I feel so lost. So uncontrollably alone. So much is happening right now and I don’t know what to do. Someone hurt me deeply and I don’t feel an ounce of anger over what that thing did. And I don’t feel sorry for it either. I don’t feel anything at all for the most part. But.. that’s all I’ve ever felt for years. Like taking another hit. And […]

It’s been a while since I was last here. I never thought I would return to post anything again, not that there’s something wrong with it, I guess I just never felt like I needed it – either that or I just kept my mind busy for long enough.
Either way, it seems like not much has changed over the past few years. I’m in a different place (physically), surrounded by different people, yet the feeling of loneliness that creeps around is the same as always. I can’t say for sure if I really ever progressed, but deep down I feel like I’m stuck on […]