General

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. My energy levels are low, made worse by the lack of daylight. I can’t afford to fix my bike, so I can’t go ride, one of the few things I was able to do outside the house. Wife is struggling too, not much I’ve been able to do to help.

This week I started really applying to jobs that I am way overqualified for. 15 years into a career, you’d think experience would count for something. Anyway, returning to the well of things I’ve already done, applied to work on a psych ward as a tech. I did it […]

It’s looking like i have TGA (transient global amnesia) or at the very least something closely related. Just fucking grand, thank you bpd, you just had to have urges to hit my head off of shit.

My username is holding true. I wonder what bullshit ill have to pile on top next

I finally cut off a person, a “friend” that’s selfish, racist, toxic, egocentric and irrational. she has been switching between being a normal, supportive friend to treating me like shit for years. I’m doing the best, most respectful thing I can do. If she doesn’t leave me alone from here on, I’ll smash down her Carnegie hall performance worthy hands. I would say worse, way worse, but I am not gonna make a bunch of people on the internet think I’m crazy. I won’t do shit. But I am not going to be blaming myself for these thoughts again.

That’s an exaggeration, I don’t know, I’m […]

I don’t know what I plan to do in life. All I know is that I’m going to leave home soon, possibly as soon as I turn 18. And go somewhere far away, I wanna see how far I can get before I die.

People want credit just for showing up. They want credit for being sympathetic and what they determine is helpful. They want to be showered with praise and award for taking two lazy seconds out of their day to give half-assed advice about something they do not understand, with someone they have not spoken to for more than two seconds.

Never question the abuse of the well-intentioned.

And once they have privileged you with their attention, you cannot speak up about how they were actually hurtful. They recommended that I see a therapist, because they sympathetically recognized I was hurting (as though I’m a witless child who cannot […]

Hey everyone, it’s been a while. I’m not sure how many of you remember me, but I was often active here earlier this year. Anyway, I thought that you people deserve an update on my life lol.

I’m doing better now. A lot better. Not great, but definitely alright. I don’t really know how or when I started feeling better, but for some reason my depression became a lot more mild. When I was at my worst, this place helped me a lot. It was nice to feel understood, and you guys were genuinely helpful and sincere. Thankyou for that. There were a few times where I […]

“suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”

1) who the fuck are you to tell me my problems are temporary!? I’ll have you know they’re permanent and something I’ll have to deal with my entire life even if i get it straightened out.

2) “your fixes are a temporary fix to my permanent problem” if i go off my meds/stop therapy, if I’m not constantly working on myself, I’m right back where i started. Sounds pretty fucking temporary.

I think these people have their saying backwards and the sad part is, they’ll refuse to understand and just continue to argue about it…. Humans *eye roll*. If […]

To stay or to go far away and start over? Do i deserve the do-over? I think sometimes i do but then other times i really feel like i dont. But whatever it is i need to figure it out before its too late. I have to atleast try and make an effort. But maybe being sent away wont be so bad this time.

I’m lost. I’m completely lost, I thought I was making a life for myself but it turns out I’ve just been sweeping everything under the rug. All I’ve ever done is help other people and make sure that they were doing okay despite the fact that I’m suffering.

I don’t know how to help myself, I’m scared that I’ll just suffer more consequences for trying. I made a big step today but I’m not sure if it was a good choice. I feel completely numb and apart from the world yet again, I hate this feeling I want it to go away. Maybe I’ll get professional […]

I’m back here again, somehow.

It’s odd looking back at my ramblings, the feelings I had when I joined all those years ago, and yet despite all the changes, I’m back here again.

I wonder how the people I’d met on here are doing?

Hopefully, they found their way, like I’m trying to.

I know what this place is, why people are here, and yet, I’m back here again.
Not sure what this means, honestly. I guess I just want some of the lost souls that pass through here to find their way out. To make it out okay. My headspace […]

after looking at what was in front of me last night i decided to message my friends, shits clearly wrong.
anyway that was just added to go into this next part, which i honestly doubt ill get any legit help with 1) lack of people to reply and 2) my bpd so no offense but if you understand the disorder, youll understand why i say help is probably useless so its more of just a vent i guess.

hes special to me. and i dont feel connected to him at all. consider it a LDR. i dont want to be more involved with his life. from […]

desperate longing to feel some sort of connection with another human being + complete inability to reveal self to others or be accepted = yet another pointless sp post

probably repeat this in a few days, when the urge to wrestle with this insoluble problem next strikes

at least I can pretend to myself I’m doing something, even if it’s pointless

Update: I’m okay.
Physically, anyways.

Thanks to everyone who showed support.. but honestly please don’t waste your time on me. That’s all.

I find it extremely bizarre that this world is founded on a farce. We all worship the almighty dollar, and yet it isn’t even real. Money only has value because we are told it does. And yet, if we have an abundance of money, life becomes easier. When we are wealthy, we have more options. When we are poor, we constantly worry about money and how we’re going to get it. For the majority of people, it means going to a lousy and demeaning minimum wage job every day of every year until we retire. That is, plain and simply, living to work. Who wants […]

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated and mad, then at first it feels like I’m stuck, can’t move. Then my hands start shaking, arms, I clench and unclench random muscles… I can push more, but stopping it isn’t something I can do.

I tried, that was a mistake. That sums it up. I applied to more jobs, because even some money would be better than being absolutely destitute. I “heard back” from two. One asked me to keep working on my application last night. Then, before I woke up today, they sent me an email that they weren’t interested. What the ever loving fuck? I know […]

So. I’m a “recovering” addict at age eighteen. Don’t really have much going for me, now do I? No. Not at all.
I suffer from BPD, MDD, GAD, and bipolar. This is great, isn’t it? Sounds like a bouquet of shit you never asked for. Sent by your ex. While you’re with your new partner. On a Monday.

To get to the point: I’ve come to the point where I want to die. It seems like everything in this world is against me, and I can’t take it anymore.  And some people might say, “Oh, that’s just life. Get over it – there are people dealing […]

im hungry. but i dont want to eat. i dont even want to have a drink so i can take an advil for my headache. ill think “im hungry” but then ill look at food and just see weight. ive already dropped basically back down to my school weight. and im just about under weight. (the bmi line being 17-18 and mine is currently 19). i know i dont need to lose weight but i hate how i look so much.

honestly it kind of confuses me. ill see other people talking saying “ive gone (pick an hour under a day) without eating” and im going…..but […]

I need a drink. I hate living with others. “don’t drink too much”. Why can’t I do what I want? And right now, I want a drink.

Whatever, you’ll be asleep soon.

I don’t know why I am so angry recently. Everything and everyone makes me so mad and it’s like everyone around me is so stupid. I just don’t wanna be around anyone, I don’t wanna go to work, all of my family is over for dinner and I don’t want to be around them, everything they do annoys me. I also don’t want to be around others because I don’t want to be here at all I feel like I just want to disappear. I feel too ugly and fat to be seen by anyone, and I feel like I really want to die right […]