General

Last night was a big crash, finally came to a head with the thing that I don’t belong, I don’t want to belong, and I despise anyone who does. The problem; I’m averaging 12 hours a day distracting myself. I do really well, for that long. The problem is I’m starting to be awake for 18 hours a day, that’s 6 hours I haven’t been able to avoid the nasty facts.

I can’t even read my technical manuals, because as soon as it gets to “preserve profits” my gut reaction is “Fuck that, capitalist swine.”

So now my solution is to isolate, to run away, and sleep […]

I’m not even trying to get high anymore, I’m literally admitting to myself that I’m trying to die. I’m taking the overdose amount of pills as an excuse to get high but in reality i know it’s actually killing me because I really am trying to kill myself at this point.

Don’t feel like celebrating

Me being depressed whenever my birthday is around the corner seems to be a trend that has been going on for the past few years. I remember me not really celebrating my 18th birthday a few years ago, i just sat at home with my grandmother (who sadly passed away this year) and isolated myself from everyone as to not be reminded of my birthday. I don’t care to celebrate my birthday because there is nothing to celebrate since depression has sucked all the joy out of my existence.

Today is my birthday (the 22nd of October) and i turned 26. It seems […]

…goodbyes.

Take care, Ayla. Best of luck.

i read. learning what i can about whats wrong with me so i can better understand it and have a better chance at “recovery”.

but the more i read, the more it hurts, the more i hate myself. the more i question why.

why shouldnt i fucking kill myself!!!???
im constantly faced with reasons why im better of dead and the best reason to live is because ill be missed…

im hurting. literally! my body aches, my depression makes me nauseous, my head hurts. i cant fucking live like this. no one should be expected to live like this….

“You’ll probably be given several telephone numbers to use if […]

Unlike many others and unlike the clichés of being alone or being a loser, I am not. I’m a smart guy, I was decently liked in school and I never made any trouble for anyone but myself. Around 14 or 15 I got into something that has ruined my life since then. I’ve hurt others I’ve cared about by just being absent minded and not thinking. Recently I hurt the love of my life by asking someone else for naked pictures and we broke up (been a few months now) but I’ll never forgive myself or stop loving her. At 24 years old, I finally […]

I come from a family of addicts, and have spent most of my life in those sort of environments. Yet, at 33 I’ve never been diagnosed with an addiction, though I’ve been diagnosed as many other things.

So, when my wife says; “I’m worried about your drinking.”, and my reaction; “me too, now you mention it.”

That’s trouble. I have no problem with substances so long as they are legal and within limitation. Yet within me, as I destroy and remake myself, there is a temptation towards unlimited hedonism. Which leads to several methods, none of which are remotely pleasant, though some are quite quick.

I haven’t had […]

I remember watching ‘Good Will Hunting’ when it came out; I was 25 years old, and the line “One day I’m going to wake up and be fifty” hit me hard.  Though not formally diagnosed, I was anxious/depressed then too and I remember thinking “If I wake up and I’m 50 and I’m no happier than I have been, I’m killing myself”.

My 50th birthday is in the summer, and I’ve realized I’m not going to make it that long.

I’m not even ‘depressed’, I’ve just stopped caring.  After around 40 Ayahuasca ceremonies and recently discovering lithium orotate the depression is better and the mania […]

It’s so hard just getting through each day without self-destructing. Let alone making enough to support myself. I don’t think I have it in me. This world is too complicated to deal with when all you want is to curl up in a ball. People want you to jump through too many damned hoops.

I tell myself that I should try. That I care about my parents and sister and the pain they would feel if I stopped. That’s true – I hate to think of them going through that. But I rarely actually feel that sense of caring.

I don’t really care about anything real. I […]

I’m feeling it more and more lately.

this overwhelming coldness that seems to reverberate through me when I’m left alone to my thoughts.

Not too sure how much longer I can keep playing this game of pretend.

just seems everything I do does not amount to anything

there’s so few things in life that I have an actual appreciation for and sometimes it’s enough but mostly it’s just not

i need more and I just don’t think I’m going to find it here

my bones feel so heavy. my skin feels like it’s closing in on me. my chest feels like something is weighing me down every time i talk. everything is dark. when is it going to fucking end. i’m tired

i started posting shit i write on tiktok and i now have over 1000 followers. idk it’s pretty cool, people say i’m talented. wish i could believe that

I hate my life, and who I am. How I can end it once and for all easlly?

Thanks
Xoxoxoxo

Hey, how’s it going?
I hope everyone is having a great day.
Still Alive!:)))
Depression and bad thoughts get me every 2 months in a row and I get down bad, but I always get back up, I’ve got ton of shit to do:))
I’ve gotten used to it, after all these years.
Haven’t used meds yet!:)) Still trying to make the atmosphere around me good enough so that I won’t be needing any kind meds.
I’m finishing my degree in physics, and am applying and planning to study MSc abroad. It’s hard to leave the country, my family and friends, but I must do […]

I feel particularly heavy in my heart tonight

I recently found out that a very dear friend of mine was abused a couple years back and it breaks my absolute heart.

I would sell my soul to the devil to protect them from anything and for some reason I feel an overwhelming sense of what I only know as regret, for not being able to prevent what transpired those years ago despite the fact that we didn’t even know each other at the time.

I promise to do my absolute best at protecting you and I’m glad you are as strong as you are to have come this […]

My medication “helps”. When im off my medication its like a hurricane. My depression is loud and more outspoken. People know when im not ok but im more difficult to help. On my medication im quiet. I have nothing to say. “Im fine”. But im still thinking suicides whats best.

Off my medication im happy talking to my friend. He makes me so high im floating on clouds. But on my medication i settle for the fact that my “husband” is trying to change, even though conditions still apply and he still annoys me. I have bpd, i cant be hiding things. I shouldnt have to […]