General

Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to love playing violin, but it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I used to sing, but now I barely talk. I used to draw, but my art has turned into scribbles and shadows. I love my friends, but I’m constantly reminded that I don’t really belong with them. I’m not living. Just existing. And I hate it.

When you’re tired of the world and it’s materialistic traps that never satisfy you. When you want to experience impossible things and not be so limited. Things like flying, visiting other worlds, being invisible, no health problems, live how long you want, world peace, perfect harmony, go wherever you want, be how strong and fast you want, no disease existing in the world, experience being other lifeform, etc.
What else would you like to experience?

How do you escape a hole you dug yourself into? I cannot talk to my friends because I am afraid of being reported or ignored again. I cannot show the slightest bit of unhappiness around my parents or they will send me back to the hospital. I can’t even try to die yet because I am still afraid of what they’ll do to me if I fail. But I can’t stay like this either. I hate myself more than anyone in the world, and almost nobody notices that I exist. I am trapped and I want nothing more than to escape these chains somehow.

i have only realized quite a while ago that what ive been and am going through is genuine real abuse. though even before that point, each time i asked for help it was ignored completely. with this and all other failures in my life, how am i not meant to think that its all worthless
i am tired of needing to be strong and im tired of hearing about how brave i am for “keeping it going” when nothing is going anywhere
i sometimes do consider asking for just a little more help but the want to is always intertwined with this fundamental fear of […]

Am I just not good enough to be with anyone?

I have friends, and a good family, but I lack in the relationship department.

I keep mulling over if I should be trying to find a girlfriend, thinking if I should start a family…

I’m getting older. Idk how much of it is biology, but I think about it a lot lately.

I’m perfectly fine being alone. I don’t want kids. This is the most solitude I’ve had in years. I’m not sure though. The one person I wanted, that I still want, is thousands of miles away, with someone else, and does not feel the same.

I don’t like […]

Most conflicts boil down to the conflict between the mind and the body. The conflict between imagination, feelings, expectations versus the material, limited matter, bodies.
Reality is more powerful than our minds. Reality wins so watch out. Look around you, take it in, don’t stay in your thoughts too much.

Well, life decided I needed more loss this holiday season. I had already lost a cat before Thanksgiving, right after my wife and I had our five year anniversary, but that wasn’t enough, the hits keep on coming. I woke up less than a few days before Christmas and my dog was dead in my bed. He wasn’t even old, or that sick that I thought, but, you know, life. It likes to rip away your only remaining comforts.

The thing about it is, I had put a lot of myself into that dog, he was my closest companion and friend. He was as close as […]

Have you ever considered that nature selects psychopaths? That “survival of the fittest” leads to the perpetuation of psychopathic genes? Humans or animals or plants who are the most ruthless tend to survive. “Nice“ animals do not survive but the most ruthless and selfish do. The same applies for humans.

Hence Why so many humans are so selfish and greedy and ruthless. Nature selects for those attributes. Just take a look at those two video clips below. There’s many more like it but life in the animal world is brutal. Seems like nature selects for the biggest assholes.

Two Random But Poignant Nature Clips I […]

I lost track. I think I have 21 weeks left. Pretty sure. I keep a notebook in my work locker. Originally it was to take notes on things, but there’s not much to take notes on. So now I just use it to write down my thoughts when we aren’t doing anything. Like this place. By 6 months, it should be full of my angry, sad, depressing thoughts. But I guess it’s also helping me work through my thoughts on everything.

Work is dreadful as usual. Getting up at 3 in the morning is getting […]

Why is life so complicated? Why can’t the pain just stop? What have I done to deserve this endless suffering?

Im not enjoying my life. Maybe I want too much, or expect too much.

What would you do?
(aside from self-suicide. and if you had god-like powers, would you even want suicide?)
(let’s say you can only do 3 things, rather than unlimited things for all eternity)

So 2025 is over. How was this year for me? Pretty fucking awful to be honest. I started off the year trying to work on CLARA. I stayed behind in Worcester because I naively thought that I could finish up CLARA in time to publish a paper. It didn’t work out. Just like the other couple of chances I had. So I missed Christmas and New Years for nothing. I started off the actual new years at the barcade I frequented. Bunch of happy people who rang in the new year with me standing awkwardly to […]

i’m curious, i found this place completely by accident.

What do you do when you’re at your max of what you can handle? When you are back against the corner? When everything in your life is broken in every way. There is nothing to be happy about or be “joyful” or “grateful” for. There is nothing good in my life. I am pretty much living purely out of spite.

I don’t know who to talk to (therapists and suicide lines have been shit). No “friend” cares or wants to listen.
I don’t know where to go (live)- money/cost of living issues
I don’t know what to do- how to […]

Me, I watch
-True Crime,
-Stupid ways people died,
-Death by Stupid Pranks,
-Documentaries (these tend to be depressing as well bc IRL is depressing)-

you know, “cheery” holiday shows.

I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s only gotten worse and worse. I can open my veins to let the shadows drain out, to calm the ghosts in my head, but they just come back again and again and I’m so tired of living.

Im tired of these problems whether physical or mental.

After having been on here for around a decade and constantly writing down my thoughts, I tend to pay close attention to my mental state and the reasons behind it. I believe my previous psychiatrist has stated I’m fairly self aware and I told him it was only natural when I spend all my time in my own head. I hate to admit it, but I had a sense of satisfaction when he said that. Anyways I try to keep track of markers that signify what type of state of mind I’m in at the time. How I interact with people, […]