General

I have to learn to shut my fucking mouth. 2 days. Maybe a little over 48 hours. I said that I felt “genuinely happy” for the first time in a long time. Well that lasted around a day and a half maybe. Stupid miserable piece of shit robot refuses to fucking work. Like it’s doing it out of spite. It works. It works for one test. I do absolutely nothing to it beyond maybe moving it around a little, gone. Won’t fucking move. In the most hilarious way, God manages to fuck me again. […]

I’ve been living with a tendency toward suicide for about 2 decades. From a young age, what ought to have been teenage angst has turned into a lifelong struggle for sanity. Last saturday, I finally suffered a psychological break. This makes me realize how sane I have been all along. It’s caused me to dive deep into exploring my propensity for the morbid act of suicide.

In times that I’m trying to build on my life, trying to ignore my struggles and everything that stands in my way, I’m quite optimistic. In those times, I believe there is some grand purpose to it […]

I’m starting to get a little scared. Lately I’ve been happy. Like legitimately happy. Not those brief times you get to breath between the constant hellish everyday that you have. Where you’re content, but in the back of your head you know what’s coming. So you can’t be too content. It feels like something’s wrong. Like it’s not supposed to be like this. Even when things are falling apart around me and I’m going to be stuck working all through Christmas, I still feel happy. So much so that I was wondering if it was the […]

Hey all,
dont know if anyone remembers the name but i was here a long time ago. Just wondering if anyone else is still around who remembers the name

Peace & Love,
Procel

so we thought it was without reason, there was a reason at least according to what they told the employment commission, it was that I had the wrong kind of smoke on break. I’m spiraling down in tight awful spirals

hard dissemble, nothing to leave out now.

partway down now; the thing is I don’t trust outside of the prepared group easily, and this time I did, and this is why I don’t. If you aren’t pre vetted, there’s a reason you aren’t pre vetted. Definitely leaning into more militaristic and guarded from here on. You vet or you don’t, and most people don’t. Honest, I’m low […]

I gave myself 25 years. Turning 26 on the 18th. That was one of the bigger motivators when I was actually going to go through with it. That, flunking, failing my internship and just general mental and physical stress were the perfect combo. Don’t ever think things will line up that well again. I’m sure that’s not true. Suffering is a cycle. Then something came up and I had to pivot. Probably going to be sticking around MA for the winter. That really blows. I’ve talked to my parents more recently. I assured them […]

All the reaction I get is if I point out that the American middle class is disappearing, which is like pointing out that water is wet. come on, gotta keep the fingers in typing shape, voices in talking shape in case something worth talking about comes around right?

If you all went out and got active social lives not being on here, by all means tell us about it.

Geez, don’t make a fella beg. Ever since losing my spot at the agency, and getting sick, I don’t have folk to listen to, to unpack their problems for, and I’m kinda undefinied without it. I need problems […]

There are days I think I will just take the rest of my meds and see what happens. So many changes. Impulse control is always an issue. Anyway hello everyone.

‘ Have you got a light?” is the title of this post. The layout has changed and I can’t write in the title box.rant over.

I was at a wedding. I don’t drink but considering the day that was in it, I decided to drink. I got a pint of Coors light at the bar. It’s a pretty good beer Coors slight, a cool crisp taste and keeps it head until you reach the bottom of the glass. My mentality was now that I had one pint I might as well have a second, now that I had a second I might as well have a […]

This has been at least a week with this head cold, and I’m still trying to work it like I’m not

it occurs to me that usually I’m the one in control. Getting sick doesn’t usually happen to me, in the normal course of events. I’ve usually got everything in a chokehold, my immune system is on the list. I must be in quite a situation to have gotten this low. I’m really pissed at the ex job right now. What did I go through retraining for eh? What was the point of all that? I’m too nice to everbody in this world, that’s a certified […]

This evening, I found myself regretful. I wish I could start my life over, retaining all the knowledge I have now. I have made choices that are permanent. And all I can do now is to try to live with that and make the best of what’s left. Suicide still flirts with me and whispers sweet nothings into my ear when I’m alone at night. For the most part I ignore it. But it’s there.

Just venting.

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me […]

I’ve managed it every year for almost the past 3 years—disappearing and pushing everyone away. I thought that I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy again these past 3-5 months, but all of that hope for betterment came crashing down when I—once again—became involved with my ex girlfriend.

We had a terrible relationship for almost 2 years and it was—undeniably—because of me. I believe I’m a narcissist, so I feel like it’s necessary to state that I was in the victim in no shape or form. I remember some of her exact words to me were that “[I] ruined [her] innocence” and made her […]

In recent times I’ve felt a burning anger and hatred towards things that would previously make upset or sad. I used to get depressed when I walked around campus and saw couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways or when I saw friends laughing and having fun together at lunch. Now, I feel nothing but rage.

I hate them for having what I’ve never been able to have. I hate them for enjoying their youth while I can’t. I hate them because their lives are going well while mine is shit.

This year, I’ve been trying to improve myself socially. I smile at people, I say […]

I’ve found myself back here again, curled in on myself, stuck in this tiny crevice of despair. For so long I was doing better, but it’s all gone back to the way things were before.

well, “better” is an overstatement. All I was truly doing in that time was chasing relief. I’d go from one coping mechanism to the next. Maybe I’d get a few hours of relief,  a few days, then the pain would go back, and I’d have to find a new way. Therapy, medication, cutting, binging—whatever, it was all futile. I am so tired now. Physically and mentally I cannot continue the chase. […]

Why am I still here is the question I asked my myself often. Why can’t I just disappear forever. I hate myself. I always hurt people around me and not matter what I do, I am never successful at anything in life. I lost all my friends, I lost my family. I’m feel alone and tired and most of all useless. Why do I have to feel this way all the time. I pray for God to help me but maybe God doesn’t even care about me. I am tired and I just want a long rest.

I’m just a plain, dull 40 year old man, which sucks, but I have a strong work ethic and I’m still relatively healthy and strong.

But my work ethic is being demolished at my job by one person.  It’s a full time job I’ve had for 18 years (8 years in my current department) and I’ve been full time since 2023.

I was warned by many senior employees about her.  How nasty and toxic she is.  How she will say she does EVERYTHING and will “stab me in the back.”

So she got transferred to my store and all the warnings people said to me about her are […]

Back from Thanksgiving with my friends, after Thanksgiving with the folks, and I’m lucky and I know it to have two groups of people happy to have me for Thanksgiving. Dad played Alice’s Resteraunt by Arlo Guthrie, he knows how to sooth me. I wanted to play this one for him, didn’t get around to it. Then of course ended up talking about heavy metal with my friends.

I’m just an old cowboy these days, in Oklahoma that’s an okay kind of thing to be. Toby Keith joined the choir invisible, so did a lot of the old boys, Cash, Orbison, I could go on. Served […]

I’m so insanely lonely and desperate, my mind is fixating once again on the last time someone seemed to really care about me. It was so long ago. I suppose it’s that she was the last person to give me a sense that she saw something really worthwhile in me. Like I was actually valuable. Like who I was had some significance, independent of the roles I play in the lives of others. Like she actually really liked me for me, and wanted to be close to me. I miss that feeling, so fucking much. I can’t imagine ever feeling it again.

And my mind clings […]