For general topics related to the site.
bad news: got fired from work today
good news: have everything I need to end this nightmare
For general topics related to the site.
My life sucks,nothing in my life ever goes right.I don’t have any friends and the one friend i had was killed on July 11th 2019. I get bullied every single day,it’s so bad that I hate to even leave my home.The people who enjoy bullying me have called me horrible names,they say mean things to me,they actually do lots of horrible things to me.
I have lots of bad thoughts about ending my life just so I don’t have to deal with them anymore,I mean who would miss me if I did kill myself? No one right? No one would care and I’m sure my bullies would be happy if I did end my life. The thought of me ending it all does make me feel a little better.
what to even say. i’m waiting on medical equipment that helps me sleep, this is the longest i’ve gone without it in 11 years. everything is just worse. i feel awful. physically uncomfortable, emotionally stagnant and lonely. unlovable and monstrous. anxious and depressed. paranoid and volatile. my brain keeps trying to sabotage the good things that are happening in my life, namely my days with my girlfriend, and my upcoming trip to see her. she loves me, and does her best to make me feel loved, but my brain has been trying to convince me that she doesn’t like me really- and i feel so fucking hopeless.
i know the only way out of this world.
but i want most of all to make a life with my love. it’s just a particularly bad patch of brain weather i need to get past right now.
i just want to be overseas already.
My despicable me hate any kind of effort specially that related to money and i laught at those who get up every morning to do some repetitive boring task and waiting for month to pass to get a few coins or bills however i would gladly accept free and easy money like passive income or lottery if it works for me
My despicable me love no one even my family and i feel nothing when one of my family is suffering or died and sometimes i enjoyed other’s suffering hence i have no friend whatsoever even if someone try to get close to me i reject him instantly and i dont believe in love or any good relationship like friendship but i believe in lust benefits and business and i think that each human live for himself while trying to use the others to the maximum for himself only however i do feel bad sometimes about violance and suffering of others and i would like to help
My despicable me unstable and want to do something tragic shocking or against all rules and protocoles just for the hell of it and i think that human lives is worthless and most of them will burn in hell
My despicable me think that psychiatrists are loser and they lie at people for money while they themselves suffer and i think that we pretend that we are strong smart and rich while we all slave to money we all make mistakes and we all get deseas and die evantually
My despicable me feel like an avenger feel that the world is the enemy feel that human are evil by nature and deserve pain & suffering however my despicable me needs some love some care and to be sufficent but i dont care at all if anything change or nothing at all
I sit looking out the window into the abyss of it all. I cry because I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is not for me. In this tube I sit alone. Not wanting to interface. Just look out and be disconnected form it all. About as disconnected as I can get. Now, let the plane go down on a remote isolated island. I could only wish. Ya can have this crap. I just want it to stop. As if no more. Man, I’m so twisted. So so f’d up. I hate me.
I cried tonight, for the first time in a very long, long time. I cried because for once, in forever, I felt that I was welcomed into a community. I wish to thank WaitLonger, Jack, Teresa’s Child and Yoges for welcoming me into this community on such short notice. I didn’t realize just how much I felt alone until I read your welcoming words. For any of you reading these words, please know that your words, your meanings , and your intentions mean a great deal, within and outside of SP.
We were born into this world crying. We were stripped of our comfort and painfully thrown into an unknown and scary place. This world is inherently painful. We will leave it causing pain to others, contributing to the very suffering that loomed over us.
It is a mindless cycle of pain. There is nothing that anyone can do. Try and ignore the pain if you want, but that won’t mean that it will stop existing for you, or for everyone else. It won’t mean that babies will be born joyful and the dying would radiate happiness. It won’t change reality.
When did it become all about money? When did it become all about getting laid? Or even relationships…or politics? Or being politically correct? When did it become all about fitting in? Wearing a mask so people would leave you alone?
Was it when I started hating people?
Was it when I gave up on others? Or was it when I gave up on myself? Was it the first time I failed? Was it the time I let others down, even after forming that meaningful connection? Was it when I stopped trusting myself?
I gave up on those feelings I had felt when I was young.
I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be really cool. I wanted to help people, and be relied on. I wanted to laugh the loudest, be the smartest, the strongest, the most courageous.
But I lost it all. I was broken. I failed to help others…no, I abandoned them.
Ever since then I’ve fallen into this trap, this cycle of desire and pleasure, living like a hungry ghost in a world of wallflowers.
But I’m starting to remember. I have one life. And I’m not going to live all that long. I need to live with some heart. I need to break this cycle.
Everything is a part of the Universe. You are. Unfortunately I am as well. I am the part of the Universe that hates itself. I hate. That is me at my core, it’s what I am.
I genuinely hate everything. I hate you. I can’t say that it’s not personal. It is. I hate you in every possible way, because you’re a human, because you’re a part of society, because you exist in this Universe. I hate everything that exists. This is just what my function is. This isn’t a choice for me, but if it was, this is what I will choose.
These are not just words. I am an unpleasant person, both actively and passively. I cause suffering. I want the end. Your end. The end of the whole Universe. I can’t imagine what absolute nothingness looks like, but that is what I want. I hate you all so much. I hate myself too.
If the whole Universe wouldn’t end, I would settle for just the Earth. If the Earth wouldn’t end, I would settle for human extinction. And if not that, I will gladly settle for just my end.
Life is so full. Full of things and actions and questions and answers and life and color and music and beautiful beautiful things and people. But there are also ugly things. It was all fun and games until my imbalanced brain woke up and realized it could think. All downhill from there. There is still the beauty I long to experience. Each unique wave on each shore, the sunrise and sunset, sun showers and rainstorms and deafening thunder and blitzing lightning. Things growing, things dying. New life and old life watching the color infuse each day. New creatures and old, flying and digging and climbing about. First Snowfall of each year. I never saw snow till I was 16 and a half. It’s so wonderful, delightful, gorgeous, delectable! I love to drink in the world in the scattered good moments I manage to find. Love and friends. Birth and growth. I’m not meant for it though. Because I cannot find my place, I cannot find the joy I’m supposed to in life. My brain sees only hate hate dark negative bad sad angry upset. Death, barren, coldness, dark, evil, malicious things. It refuses to acknowledge the good. Because though I know it is there, I simply could never find such energy or joy or happiness or sunshine within my body. I’ve racked my brain, my existence for a drop of hope. Just one. A forgotten vial in the cabinet of my energy, perhaps. But it has all been long washed away with the bitter, the trauma, the dark, the sad sad pathetic being that I have become. The color and wonder have washed from the fabric of my being, leaving me a sad soggy faded and grey sock forgotten in the wash. There is no point. I’ll never be recovered from this. There is simply no point in trying, and try I have. 18 years to crumble and be quickly forgotten in the wastebasket. I will be forgotten and nobody will remember me. The Collapse takes and takes and takes and takes and I haven’t a thing left to give Except my broken, withered soul.
I’m so god damn lonely, a pretty girl could say the slightest compliment and I would fall head over heels. The next day, they would treat me like a sack of shit and it would break my heart and shatter my self esteem. I’m so fragile its pathetic. It’s not just for girls though. I could meet a new friend, and it seemed like they really understood me and for a few weeks, it feels like I’m not alone. Turns out the feelings weren’t mutual and they cast you aside, and all of a sudden we’re strangers again.
Does anyone have any tips on how to get over this? I’m so fucking tired of caring and worrying over someone who doesn’t give the slightest thought about me.
How is the world this demanding. How can I not survive. I just want my land and crops and nobody allowed in. I need isolation so bad. I hate money can can never be happy when its part of my life. I need to leave this earth. Why do I hold on to my family. Why do they want me here just to suffer. Please leave me alone. I hate this earth. I hate these humans. Get away from me. I will cut forever.
What will be left after the phsical body. Your thoughts you soul. Why should I be scared of dying wheb death is the beginning of another life. You feel I feel it we all feel it. I have been on esrth enough and im sick of it tuly. Im not mad sad or happy. I am ready to go home. I have had enough of the rude its time to find a new ride if this was a choice to live this life I have now I must have forgotten ehy I ask god to give it to me so I just want to go back to god and say sorry I thought I wanted this but I didnt. I dont want anything elese but to be free from the eyes of society I eant to be free from the freedom of choice. I want be free from this physical body its taken me as far as I want and its shown me everything that life has to offer. There is more elsewhere. I let go of family, sex, stuff aants, needs, mobey, drwams, ambitions etc etc etc. Its all chasing the wind so I want to experiance something else. So people laugh and say do itwhats he matter your scared. People laugh and say dont do it you will regret it. I have heard it all I remain silient now no cop outs no attention needed. Scared yes fearful of failing to do the act fearful of botching rhe job fearful of pain. I didnt design it this way but I deserve a painless peaceful death and so does everyone on this planet.