For general topics related to the site.
Does anyone here also feel that life is boring? Because life is not like in the movies, games, comic books, novels, anime / manga, basically real life / real world / reality is not like fantasy & imagination?
For general topics related to the site.
I mostly really enjoy life with my boyfriend but it will inevitably only be temporary (we are in an LDR)… as in, we can only see each other in real life temporarily…
He’s rather intense and overwhelming. He’s very affectionate towards me… as I am with him. But I don’t want to sugar coat it. He already broke up with me once before…
The only Asian (I’m part white too) that he is actually close with is me. His other friends are pretty much a similar racial background to him, even if my boyfriend is more mixed. He told me about a girlfriend of one of his friends. He was able to speak to her in their local language, they were also born in the same country and then moved to another country and grew up there (same as my boyfriend). Imagine me and him doing that, it will never happen…. :/ It makes me feel left out.
Yeah sure his life is difficult, but he always has his rich parents to fall back on. We have a short term rental just for us because he usually lives with his parents. No prob with that except he wants his own place. But I think the comfort zone is just too big for him to leave.
The next few weeks will determine my future, and it looks bleak. Do I really want to go back on an approx total 18 hr flight to my own country after such a short time? No…
I won’t make it… As for him, maybe he’ll find a nice local girl.
This is really of my own doing. I see who other girls choose, guys with a stable financial future and who have $$$. Might be incredibly shallow but I guess for some it’s actually seen as practical.
Is anything really the same anymore, knowing that he did sexual stuff with his ex, not actual sex though (and he’ll always have mental images of it?)
Maybe I really need another boyfriend. But I’m not going to find someone else as twisted and messed up as him, I’m not going to find someone else I can mostly relate with…
I’ll eventually have to off myself out of necessity, not a choice… unless some miracle happens…
Meh enough babbling!!!
So for the last 7 years ive been slowly withdrawing from everyone and everything. Legit have 0 friends. Havent gone out. Havent done anything. Psychosis has really done a number on me. The voices became just painful perspective on life that has pretty much destroyed all my social skills. I’m mostly fragments of what I think will keep the illusion of peace together. Lost all will power to attempt to control anything in my life. I barely eat. I stopped gyming. Falling away everyday. Still (hopelessly) desiring a better life for what reason i dont know cause i cant even imagine it.
Final blows came in the last 2 years. I went to this leadership thingy and was doing fine for maybe the first month. Cause I was just doing what i needed to do for me but the people wanted to make it some sort of all for one and one for all thing. “Thoughts” started up again. Bashed me into the ground every second, and every second felt like a year. Couldnt cope and cant cope when there are that many people. Anger from my past isnt something I want to share. For me to lead myself I couldn’t be in that. So I left again again. Now they form part of my thoughts. I’m afraid again. Leader is gone. So is the light. Its just previously I could still see and feel it. Not anymore.
Never been numb like quite like this (no fight left, im part of the audience watching my life). I cant speak beyond a greeting. Trust is dead. And were it not for my fear of how my mom and sister… (although im sure they will be fine and they probably expect it). feels like im already dead. Just others cant see it.
Just want to say thanks for the posts everyone. Didnt know that there were actually “others” out there. Kinda makes me feel less alone sort of and not really. My mind eventually ends up running into a state where the calculations tell me the odds of finding someone IRL to talk to that i dont have to pay to see is less than impossible. So theres goes all hope again again. ):)
..is to abandon delusion. It’s probably ok. We just don’t know what’s next. No frame of reference for what may exist outside one’s life, mainly driven and maintained by delusion. Not trying to sound dour, on the contrary..Maybe there’s some kind of bravery, there in the willingness to examine hard, those delusions, which keep pretty much every human being going
When people ask me about, I say that I don’t really remember.
And yes, that is partly true.
A lot of it is blurred
Because of the intensity of the trauma.
But there are some things I remember,
Things I wish I could forget.
I remember people always walking behind me,
Making sure I wouldn’t run.
I remember being forced to strip naked,
So that they could analyze every scar,
And check to see that I didn’t have anything that could give me more.
I remember everyone’s eyes.
They were all different colors and shapes
Yet somehow all looked the same.
I remember the lines,
Up and down everyone’s wrists
I remember them pushing the needle into my arm,
And how good it felt.
I remember not sleeping,
I remember the lies I told,
Because I knew what they wanted me to say.
Or nothing at all.
Most of all I remember not having control.
Most of all I remember how trapped I was.
I remember all of this in the form of nightmares.
I remember this in flashbacks.
I remember this with every trigger.
I remember this with every day.
For somebody who loves to think deeply about things, I’m incredibly superficial. On some level the attractiveness of others is all that really has meaning to me. Craving for beauty makes up a vast part of my subconscious.
It’s not that I don’t value personality, or intelligence, or kindness. But it’s always secondary to how I view others. Someone who is visually appealing but stupid or cruel is to be desired or envied in my mind, whereas someone who is strong, wise, compassionate, or entertaining is nevertheless pitiable if they’re plain looking.
Of course, we’re visual creatures, but I think this is a particular pathology of my psychology. It might be down to my lack of close relationships with others, that I’ve never fully learned to value people for who they are rather than what they look like. I’ve somehow never managed to internalise what most take to be obvious.
This part of my mind still seems to be trapped in the mould of a teenager, idealising a crush who’s out of his league. No matter how many people I meet in real life who show me the value of personality and character, and the beauty to be found in the everyday and flawed, this part drags me back to a longing for physical perfection. I’m sure there’s a name for this delusional way of thinking – possibly it’s a specific kind of narcissism. If feels too ingrained to let go of. But perhaps if I can change my lifestyle sufficiently my outlook will naturally adjust.
I joined a single moms online group in hopes someone would understand, but they all said, “it’ll get better, I went through it and so can you.” No shit I am. No one has any idea the pain, struggle, and sadness anyone else feels. I’m envious of people who have best friends, some one who even through your complaints and speaking from your pain will see your real spark and encourage your growth through it. Its all so sickening to me to watch the world go by while I struggle to make it every day taking shitty spiritually sucking hard labor jobs to keep my kid fed and if we even had running water I probably couldn’t keep it on. When everything breaks down….car, health, sanity I am left alone and scrambling for a breath. I went back to school and I have a 4.3 gpa on the Dean’s list. I am certainly great full for the small things in life . I am desperately trying to climb out of an all encompassing hole that wants nothing but to swallow me and my child whole and possibly leave me insane from the trying and still ever more tired.
As a teenager I suffered depression and crippling anxiety. I was hospitalized and drugged. I ran away and tried my hardest to escape the system which I found myself and my family trapped in; a cycle of suffering, generational trauma. I tried to stuff the black hole of human nature with everything and everyone. I even tried positive thinking. (That’s a joke). I have major ptsd from psychological and sexual violence done to me as a result of continually running from myself and into the arms of someone willing to take advantage of me. I honestly dont know anything or how any of this makes sense or if I’m doing anything right or if this world we live in is even real. I do know that life is hard every day and any genuine human interaction between us is the only thing that helps me stay alive, but it feels few and far between lately. I’m not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else or allowing anyone to hurt me. And some days you have to pat yourself on the back for just putting food on the table, but it sucks and it feels like there should be more.
Why not try stronger drugs? I can get them if i want. Why not sell them? A few bucks would be nice. Why not sleep with a bunch of people? It could be fun. Why not…? We’re all gonna die anyway. Every single human. Either by our own hand, naturally, an accident or by another human (i put animal under naturally becuase its a hunger thing where human is because they hate you or an accident). Why not? Why does it all matter? Who cares what others think? On day we’re all going to be gone. And no ones going to care.
(I know i typically try to be positive about things but everyone has a moment.)
I wanted to be happy, so I wasted money…. The thing was lost before I could even enjoy the thing…. It was a consumable thing, but it fell and that’s $10 gone, with no value to be gained…. I now feel worse than I was feeling earlier today, which wouldn’t even let me sleep, this could have helped instead it hurt. I cut again because of it, I can’t have sharp things, but I need these hobby knives because they are another thing that I’ve tried to help me feel better…. and I guess they did help me just not in the intended way. It’s pathetic how $10 wasted crushes me like this. It’s pathetic how $10 is 1/3 of my monthly income…. It’s pathetic that a special treat for me is $10. I’m pathetic, I wish I could work a normal job and be happy, my life would be so much better. I wish I could be happy. I’m going to try to eat because I bought $3 of things to try to replace it, but it’s not the same and I even let it get cold, I’m going to hate it. I hope I choke.
i have a condition in which i compulsively pick my skin. ugly brown scars are everywhere in my body. on my shoulders, thighs, belly, butt, on my back, on my neck… everywhere. i’m in shape (just been a tiny bit fat in summer lately, which i know i can fix quickly) and i’m not that ugly, but the skin of my body is awful. whenever i see some girl wearing tops or even t-shirts and have normal skin, i get this very bad feeling in my stomach and a voice goes in my head: “if only others knew you’re such a freak that doesn’t have normal skin”. i’m 21 and i’m currently dating, and i’m one of those who don’t believe in sex before marriage, and i’m constantly concerned that if i one day have to get naked in front of a man, he will hate me, in the best case he will politely keep his feelings to himself but i know he will hate me. i specially hate my butt. it has a nice shape (i wanna be realistic, not just negative) but there are several brown dots on it (acne dots, scars of my skin picking) and i have lots of stretch marks.
one time my sisters was nagging that she has lots of stretch marks because of pregnancy and i compared mine to hers and i had more! i mean… come on! she’s been pregnant! i just got a liiiiiittle bit chubby when i was 11 and that was it! i mean… me and my sister are from the same race right? but i’m uglier and have a way more terrible skin. it’s not fair.
i really dread the day that any man sees me naked. because they will hate my body. they will hate my skin.
i don’t know what to do to stop skin picking. i don’t know what to do to have a better skin.
i wanna fix me
I don’t know where to post this, so I decided general was my best bet. Sorry if its wrong 🙁
Hello, first I would like to say a few things about myself :
I am a 15 year old female from the United States. I was diagnosed with some basic stuff like Depression, a psychotic disorder, general anxiety (Doesn’t everyone pretty much have that?) and ptsd (Which I don’t really agree with. At the time I had a psychiatrist with a degree from the Caribbean who was only practicing for 2 years and I don’t think I have it or I have a very mild case of it), and we were also exploring the possibility of bipolar disorder when I lost insurance.
Yes, I lost insurance, I no longer have a therapist or psychiatrist to talk to. Even worse, my mom wanted me stop taking my meds because I’m too fat (I’m 170 pounds, so I am actually pretty heavy). I’m very scared of my mom. She threatens me with the mental hospital (as I went there once and my doctor lied about my behavior so I’d stay there longer to collect insurance money and a nurse had to break hospital code to get me out of there) and denies my diagnosis because she said that the psychiatrist said I’m absolutely fine and I have no idea what I’m talking about even though I CONFIRMED my diagnosis with my therapist AND was planning with her to confront my mother, which she says I lie about. I would swear on my grave that that is true and she still wouldn’t believe me.
My mother wasn’t always like this though, she used to be very supportive of me. What made her stop being nice to me was me buying a snack wrap on time. Yes, I’m literally not joking. Her and I were discussing dinner when I had my sister go get me a snack wrap because after the whole conversation with my mom, I thought we had come to the conclusion that I could get a snack wrap. Well I was wrong and when she saw what I got she got very angry at me and yelled at me about how I’m manipulating her and how she wasn’t going to be nice anymore and was going to do ‘tough love’. So yeah, she basically stopped being nice and supportive over a McDonalds SnackWrap.
I hear and see things and have been having a really hard time without my anti-depressants. My voices are commanding and I’ve been very tempted with suicide. I have been looking up how to kill myself and looking at forums like sanctioned suicide. I want to kill myself like how Kate Spade did by hanging herself with a belt in her closet/with a doorknob (?) I’ve read that you pretty much go unconscious very quickly and it seems very ideal. The risk of messing it up and becoming disabled it worth it. No matter how morbid that sounds, I’m just so done with my parents and my mental health.
Now, does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make things worth living. Maybe ways to cope, or some way I can reach out for help without my parents getting notified? (I once talked about their behavior and got screamed at and punished, they also convinced the mental institute I was at at the time that I lied about everything I said about them.)
I feel like every day is the same. Every task feels the same. Whether it’s work or friends or gaming it all feels… well, the same. Except the self destructive things. Because wallowing in my despair is better than what I normally feel (I don’t even know how that is possible), and over eating distracts me from the sameness. I haven’t self harmed in years but it’s been on my mind a lot recently, and I feel like I might break that promise to myself again. I just want the sameness to end, the emptyness to end. The pain to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. And I don’t know an acceptable way to do that.
At this point I’m wondering if it’s actually better to commit a crime just to go to prison. I don’t like food, don’t care for my family, friends, or possessions. I’d love to be in solitary. I’ve heard the holes are pretty small so I wouldn’t want one of those, but a small dark locked room where no one could enter, and from which I could not escape, sounds wonderful.
Man, those guys have it made.
I always take walks at like 12 at night because I’m just sorta, looking for my death. I’m too much of a ***** to kill myself so I want someone else to do it for me. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I just want to not exist anymore. Hey, at least I’m working out most nights. Oh and by the way, if you like funny things (who doesn’t?) you should totally watch Elvis’ the Alien’s commentary on the movie “Swamp Ape”: It’s the funniest shit ever.
Why cling to this grim slimy reality? Ha! Why force the prison on up out of bed and to some series of unremarkable, unrewarding tasks just in order to afford something moderately less bleak than homelessness? I don’t know. I know the answer is supposed to be in the connections with others. It’s so bleary though, at times. Keep going, I guess. But my god..Sobering up, is just, awful.
why do I always get fucking moodswings
whatever, I’m just here to complain like always. I felt great like two hours ago but now I just feel melancholy. I don’t feel happy, even if there’s something I like, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel mad, I just feel distant; I feel like I’m on autopilot, watching my body move around and do things while I just feel like a shell.