General

Hello all.  I have been creeping on this site for some time.  Recently, I have gotten to point where I can’t live life anymore.  It is all too complicated to talk about and I am  incredibly private about the painful things in my life.   The pain has been present my whole life, but has been exceptionally tormenting over the last 15 years, and unbearable for the last year.  This is not temporary and when I look into the future I only see it getting worse.  There is no other way out.  Everything I hold dear has been lost, or is at risk of being lost.  As […]

Sorry, I’m new here, just trying to figure it out.  Oh OK got it now.  (edit).  I’m gonna stay logged in to this site for the foreseeable future.  It makes sense for me considering i think about suicide everyday and have attempted it twice in my 40 years.  I feel like eventually it might be how i go but idk.

I feel exhausted, sick, and upset all the time. The easiest way for me to try and vent it out is writing to someone. The person I thought I could rely on told me she doesn’t like getting those kinds of messages and that I should call her instead, which I have been doing but sometimes it just feels so awful that I can’t do it and writing is easier. Calling is very very difficult to me and I always feel worse afterwards because it’s always so difficult for me to say things the right way or not feel embarrassed.

I’m at a point where I […]

I fail at everything that I attempt. I have absolutely no purpose on this planet. I try so hard, but I will never be good enough. I will never matter. I hate knowing that suicide is inevitable, and I hate having to choose when to hurt people I love. Because it’s only a matter of time. Not this week, because it’s my roommate’s birthday. Not until after mother’s day at least. It seems so long to wait when you feel like I do though. I wish I had nothing keeping me here anymore.

Hi SP. I typed out this letter to vent out everything with regards to a certain girl that I once, or rather still love. The names and certain facts have been removed, so that no other person can recognise me or her.

_____

Dear _____,

I remember the promise that we made to each other:We will never lie or say sorry to each other for we are friends.

I am afraid that I will have to break both parts of the promise: I am sorry because I lied.

I lied to you about being over the depressed period of my life, I lied to you that I do origami regularly,I […]

Why do the people on the Suicide Prevention Hotline almost always seem like they want to get you off the phone? They seem to be just a referal service or it straight to telling you to go to the ER with no in between. Why wont they just TALK to you? It says on the web and recording it you are suicidal or in emotional distress or just need to talk. So why wont they let you talk? They say, Are you getting counselling? I can look up in your area. I say I am just calling to talk. One woman said in an angry […]

My mistakes have defined me. I’ve made mistakes because I have no respect for myself. I only have one question…

Would you know my name…if I saw you in heaven?

I often feel like if I had any real honor or integrity, I’d commit suicide. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

It’s been building all day, sorry to be like that, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I just eventually crack from day after day of pain and fear. Sorry tho, it’s not your fault and I’m normally pretty composed even when I’m depressed.

I don’t really know what to say. Sigh. My head is all over the place so I apologise if my thoughts are unorganised or incoherent. Nothing really feels real to me anymore. I know I have dissociation issues, but it’s different this time. It’s as if the behind the scene glimpse I normally get when I de-realise is now permanent. It feels as if I’m just floating through this world which is devoid of all meaning and purpose. I know I should be happy, I feel guilty that I’m depressed. I feel as if I were born into a great situation; upper-middle class family, good […]

A mangy cat gets a painless/peaceful death yet I’m denied that right?  Fuck you humans, where’s the god damn mother fucking asteroid I wanted?

I hope everyone is doing okay. I sure as hell am not. Here’s a shitty poem.

Deranged
silence consumes us
the feeling it gives us
is what they call my insanity
my problems are distorted
give me time to find
where sanity left me behind
my core is rotten
if only I had forgotten
the years of affliction
that left me here wishing
for no tomorrow
or what comes to follow
the words left unspoken
always leave me here broken
tragedy is my fate
reality is forever astray
the loneliness of craziness
gives me reason to believe
that there is nothing out there for me

There were flashing lights and ambulances all over, and everyone’s first assumption was that the older man living there had expired. But then everyone saw him and his wife emerge from the house. Then the stretcher with a body completely covered. It was pretty easy to guess by the small size of the body, it was the young boy (their grandson I think).

Facts and rumors came out that he had been struggling with depression for a long time, and he had recently switched meds. Suicide, yes, but everyone immediately blamed it on the meds. Like they wouldn’t admit that maybe the kid just reached the […]

For a significant amount of my life, I have been told that things will get better…well, it has been 18 years and things have not gotten but, but instead have gotten worse. There are some things in life you never get back…once it is stolen, it is gone. I suffered years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse beginning at a very young age. I do not think I will ever have the ability to fully recover. That is why I want to die so badly. I am ever going to be able to foget what happened. What has happened will be with me for the […]

I put my hand through my bathroom mirror about an hour ago.  I caught a glimpse of myself and just had to punch me in the face.  My hand is a bloody, mangled mess that I have wrapped up in a dirty dishcloth and some electrical tape right now.  I have to say i felt better for a brief moment though.

All I do now is pace back and forth, re-imagining old conversations if I had said something different.  Wondering what I could have done to make things something else.  Every few seconds I just scream as loud as I can because the futility and pathetic […]

I’m pretty sure that tomorrow is my day. I can’t imagine living past tomorrow. No matter how hard I try to overcome my eating disorder I always fail. Yesterday it was nothing. Today it was binge/purge. Tomorrow I get up again and the cycle repeats. Unless I choose to end it. I’ve went to years of therapy. I get the concepts, but everyone can’t tailor these sometimes impossible concepts in their life. I’ve been sick since I was seven! I’m not sure if I ever will overcome this on earth. I don’t want to be here to find out. I’m not going to layout the […]